ADD and website advertising

Web ads should not be allowed to be flashy, animated, or employ sound. I have enough trouble staying focused long enough to read anything without all that crap. I can't use any web browser that doesn't have decent ad-blocking, even though I really don't mind reasonable, non-intrusive ads. And the ones with sound just irritate everyone, seriously. Any web ad using sound might as well say "Just to make sure you don't buy our worthless crap, we're going to piss you off and ruin this web page for you." Seriously, that can only hurt their sales. But anyway, Google Chrome finally has support for extensions, which means it finally has AdBlock+, which means I can actually use it! The ad-blocking still kinda sucks, but combined with the FlashBlock extension it works well enough to stop the worst ads. Of course, I'm still using Firefox mostly, because there's still a lot of problems with rendering in Google Chrome. Plus Firefox has StumbleUpon, so I can just hit a button and find something random I'd never have seen otherwise. It's so awesome. Also, my phone broke, so now I have to wait for them to send me a replacement. That's not so awesome. DJ AnounymOS is awesome. Wait, I'm really off topic now so I'm just gonna hit publish and check if I took my Adderall.

Google and smartphones

I'm starting to get pissed off about Google's attitude about smartphones. It's like the only phones they want to support at all are the one's running their software, Android. They give the iPhone a little support just because it dominates the market right now, but mostly their attitude seems to be "if you don't use Android, fuck off." I've found myself actually preferring Yahoo! lately, just because they actually care about all smartphones, not just some particular brand. Sure, maybe if they made their own smartphone OS they'd do the same thing, but even so they have a mobile website that rocks for phones that can support it (newer phones or any phone running Opera Mini). It even shows you what results are sites designed for mobiles, while Google's mobile site (no matter what phone you have) looks like something a 12 year old designed in a couple hours. Supporting everything everywhere is what got Google to the fame it has, they need to get their act together and start doing that again or they're gonna start losing ground. Come back to the light Google, you're getting dangerously close to the dark side.

Seizures, IBS, financial woes, depression/anger issues, and other such fun

Lately I've just been a mess. I've been really down for a while now, the IBS is starting up again, I keep feeling really disoriented and out-of-sorts (which has greatly had a negative impact on my motor coordination), things have been stressful at work because they keep holding me to a much higher standard, to the point of holding me responsible for other people not doing their jobs, they've been giving me "talks" about my need to greet customers and be more "engaging", I haven't been able to pay the electric bill on time in two months, and between all the depression and apathy I've started have random bursts of extreme anger. I don't know what to do... I see Dr. Duchin in a week from yesterday, so hopefully he'll be able to figure out something. They've been seriously screwing me over on hours at work lately, so I don't know how I'm going to be able to afford everything... I haven't had the money to make even a small payment to RACSB in months, I'm terrified that they'll send it to collections. Hell, I'm going to have to pay for my prescriptions on Monday with my credit card, since I don't get paid until Wednesday of next week. Then all that money will have to go to paying off *part* of the electric bill, plus my credit card payment. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not giving up. I know things will work out in the end, they always do. Sometimes it's just really painful getting there. I'm getting help, though thanks to the receptionists poor checking for when he'd be available it's ended up being over two months since I last saw him, despite the fact that he'd asked to see me back in 2-3 weeks. But still, I can talk to him about needing a higher dose of Klonopin, and of Adderall, and needing something to use in place of the Zyprexa he wanted me to take, since that would have cost $190, which is well over half a paycheck for me, so there's no way I could afford it. Likewise, I need to see if he can switch me to a higher dose of Ambien instead of Seroquel, since the Seroquel also costs a fortune, and tends to cause me seizures during the night/in the morning. Hopefully I can get all this worked out, and I can finally stabilize and not constantly traumatize poor Jennifer with my random swings from depression to rage. I feel so bad for her... I wish I could just be better and never have to put her through things like that, I know she's faced enough of that in her life and I hate the fact that I've become a part of that. I could never apologize enough for it, I know it hurts her a lot... It hurts me a lot too, but I long since learned to deal with it myself, she's never had that chance, and she shouldn't have to. Anyone who doesn't believe Bipolar Disorder is a real disease has never met me or my friend Steven. That's always been one of the reasons we've stayed close through things that most people would have never spoken to each other again over... We're each other's only close friend that really understands what it's like to basically have two entirely separate sides of you constantly waging war inside your head. Honestly though, I still wish he'd look into seeing a psychiatrist, even if the medicine doesn't stop it all right now it's still made a lot of progress for me, and I know with the right combination I could live a full, unbroken life without all this self-destructiveness fighting to escape. But we all have to play life with the hand we were dealt, and I'm working to improve mine, so that one day I can be a person, without all the neurological and psychological problems dragging me down. I just know I can do it, one day. I refuse to give up.

tl;dr :
My life is turning to shit but I'm still trying to convince myself it'll get better.

*sigh*

I keep having difficulty at work. I get blamed for things that really aren't my fault, bitched at for not talking more when I know I could with a higher dose of anxiety meds (I've tried it). The ADD keeps causing me problems... None of my friends, nor Jennifer, can deny I have a strong work ethic, I just can't seem to overcome these problems with my health conditions so far. I really hope Dr. Duchin will be willing to try increasing the doses or trying something that might be more effective... I can't afford to lose my job.

Updates

Wow, it's been a long time. Things are pretty tight financially for Jenny and me, and we're both pretty bad off health-wise. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and I've been diagnosed with IBS and high triglycerides (which means I'm most likely developing diabetes early). Likewise, I'm still trying to get my meds working right for the bipolar and ADD. Mostly I still need to get things worked out so that I can hopefully find some combination that'll work without costing a fortune. Hopefully come January I'll be getting some assistance from Social Security, which will help a lot. Once I have that, I should be able to see a neurologist about the seizures and finally get a car/license. I'll also be able to go back to school and finish my IT degree hopefully, which after getting the meds working, would make it a little easier to get a higher paying job. Anyway, I know it'll all work out somehow. I refuse to give up.

The best cat ever.

R.I.P. Bobbie
I'll miss you so much.

Overcome

I'm being crushed by the weight of everything... One of my medications has been really messing me up so I had to work myself off of it, I've been having seizures a lot lately, I've been having trouble at work, I've been having a lot of financial problems, my family has too, which might result in even more problems, some of my old problems have resurfaced from all the stress, and just a lot of other things... It's overwhelming.