T. Scott Barnes

ADD and website advertising

2009-11-27T08:12:00.004-05:00

Web ads should not be allowed to be flashy, animated, or employ sound. I have enough trouble staying focused long enough to read anything without all that crap. I can't use any web browser that doesn't have decent ad-blocking, even though I really don't mind reasonable, non-intrusive ads. And the ones with sound just irritate everyone, seriously. Any web ad using sound might as well say "Just to make sure you don't buy our worthless crap, we're going to piss you off and ruin this web page for you." Seriously, that can only hurt their sales. But anyway, Google Chrome finally has support for extensions, which means it finally has AdBlock+, which means I can actually use it! The ad-blocking still kinda sucks, but combined with the FlashBlock extension it works well enough to stop the worst ads. Of course, I'm still using Firefox mostly, because there's still a lot of problems with rendering in Google Chrome. Plus Firefox has StumbleUpon, so I can just hit a button and find something random I'd never have seen otherwise. It's so awesome. Also, my phone broke, so now I have to wait for them to send me a replacement. That's not so awesome. DJ AnounymOS is awesome. Wait, I'm really off topic now so I'm just gonna hit publish and check if I took my Adderall.

Google and smartphones

2009-08-28T08:55:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to get pissed off about Google's attitude about smartphones. It's like the only phones they want to support at all are the one's running their software, Android. They give the iPhone a little support just because it dominates the market right now, but mostly their attitude seems to be "if you don't use Android, fuck off." I've found myself actually preferring Yahoo! lately, just because they actually care about all smartphones, not just some particular brand. Sure, maybe if they made their own smartphone OS they'd do the same thing, but even so they have a mobile website that rocks for phones that can support it (newer phones or any phone running Opera Mini). It even shows you what results are sites designed for mobiles, while Google's mobile site (no matter what phone you have) looks like something a 12 year old designed in a couple hours. Supporting everything everywhere is what got Google to the fame it has, they need to get their act together and start doing that again or they're gonna start losing ground. Come back to the light Google, you're getting dangerously close to the dark side.

Seizures, IBS, financial woes, depression/anger issues, and other such fun

2009-07-14T18:46:00.004-04:00

Lately I've just been a mess. I've been really down for a while now, the IBS is starting up again, I keep feeling really disoriented and out-of-sorts (which has greatly had a negative impact on my motor coordination), things have been stressful at work because they keep holding me to a much higher standard, to the point of holding me responsible for other people not doing their jobs, they've been giving me "talks" about my need to greet customers and be more "engaging", I haven't been able to pay the electric bill on time in two months, and between all the depression and apathy I've started have random bursts of extreme anger. I don't know what to do... I see Dr. Duchin in a week from yesterday, so hopefully he'll be able to figure out something. They've been seriously screwing me over on hours at work lately, so I don't know how I'm going to be able to afford everything... I haven't had the money to make even a small payment to RACSB in months, I'm terrified that they'll send it to collections. Hell, I'm going to have to pay for my prescriptions on Monday with my credit card, since I don't get paid until Wednesday of next week. Then all that money will have to go to paying off *part* of the electric bill, plus my credit card payment. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not giving up. I know things will work out in the end, they always do. Sometimes it's just really painful getting there. I'm getting help, though thanks to the receptionists poor checking for when he'd be available it's ended up being over two months since I last saw him, despite the fact that he'd asked to see me back in 2-3 weeks. But still, I can talk to him about needing a higher dose of Klonopin, and of Adderall, and needing something to use in place of the Zyprexa he wanted me to take, since that would have cost $190, which is well over half a paycheck for me, so there's no way I could afford it. Likewise, I need to see if he can switch me to a higher dose of Ambien instead of Seroquel, since the Seroquel also costs a fortune, and tends to cause me seizures during the night/in the morning. Hopefully I can get all this worked out, and I can finally stabilize and not constantly traumatize poor Jennifer with my random swings from depression to rage. I feel so bad for her... I wish I could just be better and never have to put her through things like that, I know she's faced enough of that in her life and I hate the fact that I've become a part of that. I could never apologize enough for it, I know it hurts her a lot... It hurts me a lot too, but I long since learned to deal with it myself, she's never had that chance, and she shouldn't have to. Anyone who doesn't believe Bipolar Disorder is a real disease has never met me or my friend Steven. That's always been one of the reasons we've stayed close through things that most people would have never spoken to each other again over... We're each other's only close friend that really understands what it's like to basically have two entirely separate sides of you constantly waging war inside your head. Honestly though, I still wish he'd look into seeing a psychiatrist, even if the medicine doesn't stop it all right now it's still made a lot of progress for me, and I know with the right combination I could live a full, unbroken life without all this self-destructiveness fighting to escape. But we all have to play life with the hand we were dealt, and I'm working to improve mine, so that one day I can be a person, without all the neurological and psychological problems dragging me down. I just know I can do it, one day. I refuse to give up.

tl;dr :
My life is turning to shit but I'm still trying to convince myself it'll get better.

sigh

2009-07-07T22:29:00.001-04:00

I keep having difficulty at work. I get blamed for things that really aren't my fault, bitched at for not talking more when I know I could with a higher dose of anxiety meds (I've tried it). The ADD keeps causing me problems... None of my friends, nor Jennifer, can deny I have a strong work ethic, I just can't seem to overcome these problems with my health conditions so far. I really hope Dr. Duchin will be willing to try increasing the doses or trying something that might be more effective... I can't afford to lose my job.

Updates

2009-07-07T16:35:00.002-04:00

Wow, it's been a long time. Things are pretty tight financially for Jenny and me, and we're both pretty bad off health-wise. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and I've been diagnosed with IBS and high triglycerides (which means I'm most likely developing diabetes early). Likewise, I'm still trying to get my meds working right for the bipolar and ADD. Mostly I still need to get things worked out so that I can hopefully find some combination that'll work without costing a fortune. Hopefully come January I'll be getting some assistance from Social Security, which will help a lot. Once I have that, I should be able to see a neurologist about the seizures and finally get a car/license. I'll also be able to go back to school and finish my IT degree hopefully, which after getting the meds working, would make it a little easier to get a higher paying job. Anyway, I know it'll all work out somehow. I refuse to give up.

The best cat ever.

2008-11-01T20:53:00.000-04:00

R.I.P. Bobbie
I'll miss you so much.

Overcome

2008-09-23T13:29:00.002-04:00

I'm being crushed by the weight of everything... One of my medications has been really messing me up so I had to work myself off of it, I've been having seizures a lot lately, I've been having trouble at work, I've been having a lot of financial problems, my family has too, which might result in even more problems, some of my old problems have resurfaced from all the stress, and just a lot of other things... It's overwhelming.

Side effects.

2008-08-27T01:25:00.002-04:00

Apparently, I stagger a lot now. It's a side effect of the Trileptal I think. Maybe the Lamictal. Or the Pristiq. I really don't know. But I've been told I stagger like I'm drunk. One person even thought I was drunk because of it. Luckily the lack of any other "drunk-like" effects makes it easy for people to realize I'm not. It really doesn't bother me too much, it's just kind of weird. Oh well.

Medication

2008-08-14T00:05:00.003-04:00

My meds are making me feel disoriented and drugged up all the time... And I'm not sure I care anymore. Maybe it's better this way. At least it's better than all the pain, all the ups and downs, all the panic and worry and fear, all the reckless abandon and complete carelessness, maybe it's better than being crazy. They've been making me binge eat and sleep all the time, but maybe that's better than starving myself and never sleeping. Maybe this is all for the best. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm not sure I can form a coherent thought anymore. I don't know if I'm even making any sense. The words seem to transform as I read them. I'm so confused. I see my doctor soon, I'll talk to him about it. I don't know what's happening to me. I can't think anymore. I can barely feel anything but pain. So much pain. Why is there never a cure for the pain, but always a cure for the highs. There's a million ways to stop me from feeling amazing, but nothing to stop me from spiralling down into the depths of hell. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what any of this means. I'm just letting my hands type words without much thought. My brain hurts so much. I think it's dying. My thoughts are jumbled and broken, my memories are disorganized and random, my feelings are jaded and confusing, my senses are showing me things that aren't really there, and I can't seem to get back to what I consider "normal." I've gotten so disconnected that I can't even remember how I'm supposed to feel anymore. This strange foggy incomprehensible excuse for reality is all I've got, my memories are so clouded that it's like I've always been this way. I'm scared. I don't want my brain to die.

Depersonalization

2008-08-03T01:02:00.002-04:00

Depersonalization is like your brain fracturing into many pieces, separated, partitioned off. The pieces can still communicate, but the messages are broken, disjointed, distant. You, the conscious, self-aware part of you, is lost in the back, a million miles away from your feelings, your senses, your memories. Reality becomes nothing more than a series of images, sounds, just distant sensations, not really your own. You've lost yourself in the void growing between the disconnected segments of your brain. All alone inside the back of your head with your muddled, chaotic thoughts, senseless and yet so profound, clarity in the madness of the nothingness you find yourself surrounded and fogged by. The illusion of existence that serves only to make you feel insane, to remind you that all you are experiencing is more than the dream it's become, yet you cannot feel it. The hazy messages from your senses make the world seem so phantasmal, so surreal. You go on with your routine, trying your best not to let your dementia show to those around you. The messages from your feelings come through, vague but discernible. Fear. Terror. Panic. You can't feel it, but you know. The horror of losing your mind. Losing yourself. The anxiety of worrying that others will know your insanity, lock you away. Eventually it passes, eventually the pieces rejoin and your mind is whole again. But the fear lingers.

If you've felt this, fear not. You are not going crazy, and you are not alone.

Sleep

2008-07-20T09:23:00.001-04:00

is for the weak. And the tired. But not for me. Never for me. NEVER.

Scared.

2008-07-09T22:26:00.002-04:00

I'm not comfortable writing about it on here much, but I'm really afraid of myself right now. Strange and terrifying things have been going on, nothing that has never happened before, but it's gotten more frequent and alarming. Sometimes I wonder if I really am just completely out of my mind.

Cynicism

2008-07-08T12:06:00.002-04:00

My rose-colored glasses were run over by a bus, and I'm not sure where to get new ones. Plus they're probably pretty expensive. I guess for now I'll have to settle for the world being drawn in grays and blues.

Cycles

2008-07-03T17:38:00.005-04:00

There is a fire in my heart, that starts from an ember,
and slowly grows, getting brighter and brighter, drawing

inspiration and beauty

to it, growing brighter, until the light is blinding.
Then, one day, it burns out,
leaving me once again

cold and alone

in the darkness.
I stumble, and eventually manage to relight one small ember,
and the cycle starts again.

Other times...

2008-06-27T14:46:00.000-04:00

... I feel like I'm already dead.

Sometimes...

2008-06-26T20:39:00.002-04:00

... I just want to die.

Sleep cycles

2008-06-20T11:22:00.002-04:00

I'll never understand it... Sometimes for weeks on end I can sleep normally and be horribly tired, then other times for a week or two I'll only sleep like an hour or two a night and still be energetic and awake and ready for anything. This past week has most definitely been the latter. It's insanity. Plain and simple. God bless bipolar disorder. :-P

Pride '08 in DC

2008-06-16T17:06:00.002-04:00

That was so awesome! The parade was amazing, and the festival was pretty cool. Didn't walk around too much at the festival because we were tired, but the performances at the main stage were great. I cheered at the top of my lungs for the Bloom float in the parade. :)

Distant.

2008-06-07T14:01:00.002-04:00

I feel so detached. Nothing is real right now, and I don't know why. It's very unsettling. I hate this feeling... It's like I'm stuck in a horrible nightmare. I'm not even sure if any of this is really happening right now. I think it is, but it doesn't feel like it. I wish there was some way to make it stop, to reconnect and make things feel real again. At least to feel like I'm real again. *sigh*

And back again.

2008-06-02T18:06:00.002-04:00

That was odd. I was really down yesterday morning and got better later, and now I'm back to feeling pretty good. Crazy mood swings. :)

...

2008-06-01T12:49:00.000-04:00

The world is a dark, horrible place.

Wheeee!

2008-05-30T23:31:00.002-04:00

I'm in a super-ultra-awesome-tastic mood right now and I don't even know why but it's soooooo great I love everything and I just wish I could dance around and sing and throw my arms around someone and make them dance with me and show them how amazingly awesome everything is oh my god it's so wonderful I just want to scream at the top of my lungs how much I love everybody and yay! :) I think it's probably the Adderall and massive quantities of caffeine talking but everything is so shiny and beautiful and incredible!

Rain.

2008-05-18T14:34:00.002-04:00

I love the rain. So many times I've found myself hiding outside somewhere, crying my eyes out, and it'll start to rain, and for just a second it'll make me feel better. For just a second I'll feel like the sky is sympathizing with me, crying for me. I know that sounds pathetic, but sometimes it's all I have.

Boredom.

2008-05-17T13:11:00.002-04:00

God I need somewhere to go, something to do, someone to talk to, anything. I'm going to go fucking insane if I sit here any longer. I can't take it. I know I'm going out soon, but I don't want to wait, it's driving me nuts. Gah. It's not as bad as it was before I got back on Adderall, but it's still really bad. I definitely need to talk to the doctor about increasing my dosage.

ADD: An odd little story.

2008-05-13T14:26:00.003-04:00

There's a button in my brain, labeled "reality."
If I hold it I can see and hear and feel these things around me.
But the moment I let go I get so lost inside my head.
And that button is just so hard to press.
There's this oil I can put on the button called "medication."
It makes it easier to push, but I still have hold it down,
or it pops right back out, and lost I am again.
I get so tired of holding that button.

Hate.

2008-05-12T17:46:00.002-04:00

The world is a pile of rot and decay. All life is based on opportunistic destruction. Profiting from the death of other living things. Happiness is not created, it's stolen. We all kill everything around us in the pathetic hopes of delaying our own inevitable demise. I can't stand it. Just waiting my turn die. Surviving off the suffering and death of other living things. Surviving through destroying this world piece by piece. I used to wish I could save the world. Now I can only hope that when this universe falls into oblivion it will be replaced by one less dark. One where creation outweighs destruction. But I'll never see such a place.

New meds

2008-05-08T21:03:00.001-04:00

Well, I went to my new psych for the first time today, I'm back on meds. He gave me Trileptal and Adderall XR. Hopefully it'll help. I'm a little apprehensive about the Trileptal, but I'll give it a try. The Adderall XR I'm a little unsure about, it's a much lower dose than the normal Adderall I used to be on. Oh well. Hopefully it'll work. I guess I'll know tomorrow when I take it. As for the Trileptal, to start really working it takes like five days, so I won't know for a while. My next appointment is in a month, I should know before then if it's working luckily, so if it doesn't I can try something else. Ah, back to being a crazy person on behavioral meds. I'm already dreading the onslaught of "did you forget your pills?" whenever I do something weird.

Strange...

2008-04-21T22:07:00.002-04:00

This day has been strange. It's been (mostly) a really good day. Work was actually fun, we did all kinds of weird fun stuff for the company's anniversary. Plus I got my new room mostly set up, it's pretty nice. Other than the news I got about my friend Lauren, it's been a really good day. But for some reason I feel bad about it. There's something wrong. This day shouldn't be. It's almost like I feel guilty for being okay. I guess it's not so much guilt, as it feels like a lie. Like by having a good day I'm betraying myself. I'm not supposed to have good days. I'm supposed to be miserable. I get like this a lot when I'm coming out my depression, this weird feeling like I don't want to let it go, like I want to be depressed again. I really wish I could figure out why I do this to myself and how to stop.

Poem: Mirror

2008-04-16T17:55:00.001-04:00

Mirror by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=
Who the hell are you?
Why won't you leave me alone?
I'm so tired of your face.
Every time I look, there you are.
Every pool, every puddle
Every plate on metal,
In every mirror I find you.
I hate you.

Congestion.

2008-04-13T13:00:00.002-04:00

I need a new outlet. My creativity is being stifled by my inability to express it adequately. All these ideas and feelings piling up, consuming my mind, because I can't find the right way to get them out. It's driving me insane... I need a change. I need new inspiration to feed these ideas, so they won't become so singularly themed. I need a lot of things, but mostly I need to something new. Something different. A new muse, and a new outlet. I need to get this out of my head so I can actually think again. So every moment of every day can be more than a vague sense of life fogged over, obscured, by a million points of darkness and light, like static inside my brain, a veil of thoughts and feelings carefully separating me from reality. So I can be part of this world, not just an observer. So I can feel real again. That or I need to be able to totally disconnect, to stop worrying myself sick about everyone and everything else so I can work myself out of this slump. So I can clear the noise. So I can lift this mist from my senses and live again. Or at least so someone can understand that my world is more than just what exists, what we see and hear and feel... So someone else can enter my world and see the things I've seen. Feel what I've felt. So someone can understand me. I feel so isolated, and it's my own fault. I can't escape it, my own little internal hell. It's more real to me than the "real" world. I'm tired of being lost in it. I need to find my way back to the land of the living. I need to get back to reality and find a way to show people the world I've seen. The place that lives inside my head. It's tearing me apart.

I am nothing.

2008-04-08T19:12:00.001-04:00

I don't exist.

Lost.

2008-04-06T11:01:00.002-04:00

I really wish I could see someone right now. I hate this. I'm sitting here, completely alone, with all the dark thoughts I try so hard to fight closing in on me and I have no way out. My own mind is trying to kill me, I swear. It hates me. It tortures me. The little voices telling me I'm stupid and I'm worthless and no one will ever care about me. Even though I know people do care it just gets so hard to ignore that little voice that makes me feel worthless. That voice that says everyone else would be better off if I was dead. And it scares me because sometimes it makes sense. Sometimes I start to believe it. I just don't know what I can do anymore...

Randomness.

2008-03-28T22:35:00.002-04:00

So I randomly decided to cut my bangs. I think it looks kinda good. I cut them a little too short but it's okay. It's really a non-event, not worth writing about, but I felt like posting something and it's the only thing I could think of that I'm willing to write about. Oh, and I'm going back to the doctor, hopefully soon. I've already started the process, I just have to wait for an actual appointment at this point. I guess it's a good thing. I'm still really hesitant about taking medication, but apparently I need it more than I realize, according to everyone else. *sigh* I know I need the help, but I still don't have to like it. It's okay though, I guess I'll get used to it eventually. My sister's dog passed away too. I'm trying not to think about it too much. Oh, and I got a bunch of new shirts and some new shoes. It's nice to update my style occasionally. I'm not looking forward to summer though. It's gonna be really hot. Oh well, maybe I'll sweat off a few pounds. I tried that B12 dietary supplement stuff today, it made me kinda tired. It made everyone else hyper. Story of my life I suppose, if it gets everyone else going it won't do crap for me. It's okay though. I'm in an oddly serene mood at the moment. It's kinda nice after all the intense mood swings lately. I know it won't last but at least I know I'm still occasionally capable of calmness. I normally put up a calm front to hide whatever intense mood swings I'm going through, but for once I'm actually somewhat peaceful. It's a really odd sensation. I wonder what kind of medication I'll end up on this time. I think I'm going to get them to re-evaluate me too, I have reason to believe bipolar disorder may not be my sole problem, plus I think they might have me diagnosed as the wrong type of bipolar. Who knows, I try not to self-diagnose. Incidentally, I think my theme song at the moment is "Sleep" by My Chemical Romance. It's a pretty accurate depiction of how I've felt for quite a while now. Speaking of sleep, I hope I can actually sleep decently tonight. It's been at least a week since the last real sleep I've gotten. I've been waking up every hour or so all night from horrible nightmares. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I'm asleep or not. I hate not being able to sleep decently, I start disconnecting from myself. Everything is like snapshots, bits and pieces of perception, interrupted and delayed. Oh well, maybe the doctors will give me something to help that too. *sigh*

Emo.

2008-03-25T19:29:00.002-04:00

Well shit. Looking over everything I've written here and in my actual journal, I feel so emo. When did this happen? When did I turn into the pathetic loser the rest of the world laughs at? I guess I always have been, it just sucks realizing that some things never change.

Losing it.

2008-03-16T22:32:00.002-04:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. After that last post I spent an hour crying my eyes out. I just don't know. I can't even keep up with my feelings any more. I'm so confused. I wish I could just stabilize for once. I wish I didn't keep jumping from one deep end to another. Why can't my emotions ever just hit a middle ground, even for a little while. It's all love or hate, depression or euphoria, anger or sadness, there's no medium. I really don't know how much more I can take.

Fuck.

2008-03-16T21:25:00.002-04:00

I fucking hate everything. I don't even know why. I just really want to fucking break shit. I want to pick up my goddamn lamp and chuck it through the fucking window. I want to slam my fucking head into the mirror until it shatters into little pieces. I want to go get a sledgehammer and smash everything in sight. I want the world to feel broken like me. I want to wreck everything, I want to ruin everything. I want to just fucking leave a trail of destruction in my wake and kill anything that stands in my way. I hate this fucking universe. Luckily I won't do any of this because instead I'll resort to destroying the only thing that has ever truly been mine, just like I always do. Sometimes I wish I'd get up the fucking nerve to just let this shit out on the rest of the world instead of always destroying myself. No, really I just wish I could stop feeling like this. What the hell is wrong with me... I was fine earlier today. Yesterday I could barely get up, I just felt so lost, by night I was fine and perfectly happy, ecstatic even. This morning I was happy, it was a good morning, I had some interesting conversations and a lot of fun. By four in the afternoon I was desperately lonely and miserable, by seven I started feeling like I do now. What the hell... I wish my brain would shut the fuck up, all the goddamn thoughts and noise are driving me insane. I need a release. I need help. I want this shit to stop, forever. Can't anything just make all the noise go away? It never ends, I can't even keep my mind straight, it's just a barrage of shit inside my head, torturing me. Why won't it go away? I can't keep fucking doing this. I can't live like this. I don't even want to live, not because I'm depressed but just because it seems like the only way to make all this go away. Fuck it, I hate my fucking brain. I hate everything.

Screw it.

2008-03-11T19:20:00.002-04:00

Why the hell does everyone think they know who I should be? Why can't anyone just accept me for who I am? Yes I have my problems, but that doesn't give everyone the right to tell me I'm wrong. I really just don't give a shit what anyone thinks anymore. You know what? Yes, I fucking hurt myself. I admit it. And no, I don't think it's horrible and wrong. And I really don't give a shit if you do. I wish everyone would just leave me the fuck alone about it. I'm not trying to kill myself, I'm actually rather careful about it. It just helps me get by. It's my skin to destroy if I want to, and if that upsets you, too bad. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I've spent my whole goddamn life apologizing for every fucking little thing I do because someone will inevitably tell me it upsets them or hurts them or whatever, but not this time. I refuse to apologize for coping. I refuse to apologize for doing what I need to do to keep sane. I'm not sorry. I really wish I didn't have to sound so belligerent about this, so uncaring, but I can't help it. Because when it comes right down to it, I don't care. It's my life. If you can't accept me as I am, then don't. I refuse to keep trying to accommodate everyone but myself. I'm a cutter. Deal with it.

Meh.

2008-02-24T20:06:00.002-05:00

I'm so lost. I just feel like my entire life is hopeless, pathetic, useless. I'm so weak. I'm ashamed of everything about myself, especially the sorry, worthless way I handle things. I can't deal with anything, all I can ever do is try to run away, and it never works. One day my lamentable attempts to cope will destroy me, and I'm almost waiting for it. It's just too much, I can't take it. Everyone else survives it perfectly fine, I know, but I just can't. I'm broken, damaged, a complete failure as a human being. I don't understand how people carry on like this, yet I'm falling apart. It's not like I have such a horrible life, people deal with far worse than I do and make it, why am I so feeble that I can't deal with anything? People would be better off if they'd just accept how pitiful and inferior I am and leave me to die. Don't misunderstand me, I don't want to die. I just don't think I deserve life. I should never have existed in the first place. I'm defective, a waste of flesh. Why anyone even cares, I can't even begin to understand. I just wish everyone knew how profoundly sorry I am for wasting their time by being.

I don't know anymore.

2008-02-18T18:27:00.002-05:00

I don't know how to go on. Everyone thinks I need medication. I know they're right. But I don't want to, I hate it. It makes me feel like I'm not me anymore. I don't want to depend on pills just to keep myself from feeling these things, no matter how much it destroys me. I just want to be me, why the hell do I have to be this way? Why can't I just be okay, and not need anything to alter my mind to keep me from slipping like this? I guess I deserve it, I'm a horrible worthless excuse for a human being anyway. I don't deserve to exist, I should just let the doctors stick me on whatever they decide to and take away everything I am, so maybe whatever is left will be worthy of living. But I don't want to. It's like it kills a part of me. I know it would make me better, but is it worth losing myself? I just don't know anymore... Sometimes I just wish I was dead so none of this would matter anymore.

Dreaming in red.

2008-01-13T12:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I just don't know about myself. I look back on the the things I've said and done and can't believe it was me. How did I ever think things were okay? What made me think anything was getting better? Everything is so bleak, yet the grayness is oddly soothing. I just want something beautiful, something real, to break this spirit I'm falling into. The world seemed so magical, so amazing just days ago. Where did it go? Why has it abandoned me? I just want to feel like this means something again. I'm starting to hit that old, familiar feeling, like I'm just going through the motions, numb and listless, half-heartedly pretending to enjoy things so people won't hate me for bringing them down. It's just not worth explaining it anymore, it's better to just fake it than have to try to talk about it sometimes. Everyone wants to know why and just can't accept the fact that I don't even know what's wrong. This feeling comes and goes, but I just can't shake it for long. Everyone wants to fix it, but I don't want them to fix it, I just want them to understand. I deserve it, it's my punishment, my burden to bear, and I'm fine with that. Let me die in pain like I should. Stop trying to make me something I'm not. I'm never going to just be "okay". I just wish I had people I could talk to about it without them trying to tell me I'm fucked up and I need help. That I need to change. That being what I am is wrong somehow. Just let me deal with it the best way I know how, and listen when I need to talk. I wish someone could just be there and not always try to fix me when I'm broken. I can fix myself, in my own way. Just let me be me.

Lovely.

2008-01-07T18:04:00.001-05:00

I love everything. How did everything get so beautiful and amazing all of a sudden? I'm not sure, but I love it. I feel amazing, I've been enjoying life so much. Even work was fun today! Everyone has been so amazing to me lately, it's like life said "hey, give him a break." *grin* I'm bouncy and happy and excited and everything is awesome. Go me! This has just been an amazing past week. Everything has been awesome and amazing and wonderful and I just love it soooooo much! I've gotten to see my friends, play games, have fun, and even though I do that stuff normally anyway, it's just been so awesome. Plus I've gotten to hang out with Rachel and Lauren, which I missed. And I've just felt so much more amazing and cute and sure of myself. It's incredible, I'm so glad this year is looking up so far. *grin*

Invincible

2008-01-04T11:24:00.000-05:00

That's how I feel right now. I am impervious, indestructible, and incredible. I'm still manic I think, but either way this is the greatest I've felt in a long time. It's been a long time since I've been so... unafraid. I can do anything, and nothing can stop me. I love everything so much. :)

New Years

2007-12-31T22:23:00.001-05:00

*sigh* I don't even know where to start. This New Year's Eve is horrible. I just want this year to be over, I just want to let it all go and get over it. I just want things to get better. I want to be alive again. I wanted to hang out with Eric or Rachel tonight, but it didn't turn out that way. Instead I'm at home writing this. At least I'm alive, sort of. I haven't really been alive in a long time. *sigh* I need an escape. I miss when I used to be surrounded by friends this time of year. I miss when I looked forward to New Years Eve. Now I'm not even sure I want to live to see next year. Part of me really just wants to wait till midnight then end it. I won't do it, but the thought has been crossing my mind all night. It just sucks, I didn't want to start the year alone and miserable. Sad part is I'm not even particularly depressed, I'm just tired of trying. I just want to live without everything I build up getting torn down. Without everything I love being destroyed. Without all my hopes and dreams being ripped from me. Without this feeling inside me, the feeling that pain is starting to be my only pleasure in life. This feeling like I've learned to love being hurt. Because at least pain never disappoints me. At least I can't fail at suffering. I'm just tired of life sometimes.

Narcissism

2007-12-17T16:57:00.000-05:00

What the hell is with me today? I've been mostly depressed and worried for days, and today, despite still being depressed, I feel like I'm freakin' gorgeous. I mean really, just so amazingly cute. I feel so narcissistic. It's a really odd feeling, but I almost wish I was someone else just so I could make out with me :) God I sound egotistical. Oh well, it'll pass. For right now I'll just enjoy the sudden random bout of self-esteem from thinking I'm a sexy guy, since by tomorrow I'll probably be back to feeling ugly.

I hate mood swings, anxiety, and panic attacks.

2007-12-13T16:39:00.000-05:00

The subject says it all. The past week has been filled with constant mood swings, horrible anxiety and fear, stress from all the emotional swaying, and a couple of severe panic attacks, most recently this morning at work. It was one of the worst I've had in a while, after it stopped it took me a minute to even remember where I was, I was just so overwhelmed. I'm still a bit shaken up from it. Honestly, the last time I had a panic attack that bad was about 6 months ago. I'm not sure why I had it either, I was perfectly fine last night, and nothing happened this morning to set it off either. It just kind of happened. The ones that just happen like that always scare me the most. Just thinking about it is giving me shivers.

Moody

2007-12-05T17:49:00.000-05:00

I hate this time of year. I used to love it, but I'm finding this year I'm just reminded of where I stood this time last year and I hate it. I don't even want to think about it anymore. I'm a different person, and that was a different lifetime. I want to just forget it all, start over. Never think about who I used to be, what I used to be, ever again. I've changed, my entire perspective has changed, my entire situation has changed. Everything from back then is dead and gone, buried, and I never want to be reminded of it. I want to just forget about it forever, never look back. *sigh*

Oh wow

2007-12-04T17:17:00.000-05:00

I think I've finally realized that all those people that claim I'm attractive are telling the truth. Or maybe it's just because I'm having one of those days where I'm just in love with myself. Not literally mind you, I'm not like a narcissist or anything. I just mean I actually really like who I am right now, and I feel amazing. Now I just need to get out of the house so I can make use of this incredible mood. I feel a bit arrogant thinking about myself like this but seriously how do I not normally realize how awesome I am? Normally I don't like myself, at all, but now I see why everyone else tells me I'm too hard on myself. I kick ass. I wish I didn't already know this feeling isn't going to last, but oh well. At least for now I feel like an astoundingly wonderful person, it's a nice change of pace.

A gentle repose

2007-11-23T16:58:00.000-05:00

Like a corpse, I lie still and silent. Sadly, this is only in my dreams. In reality I lay awake, restless, wondering, hoping, screaming out for a break in this diseased madness we call life. I need a reason to hope again, a reason to dream again, a reason to breath again. Bring me back from the dead, so I may once again walk among the living, so I may grow and learn and dream of a life not broken. A life not shattered by the still-bleeding lacerations on my wounded and dying body. A life not torn apart by fear and uncertainty, by a morbid lust for the release of red pooling on my skin. Save me from myself, for I fear I cannot continue on my own. This man was not meant to be, this soul was not created for a life such as this. Revive me before I decompose further. I am lost, but if only you would find me there could still be a way out. I am dead, but your tears could return life to this carcass. I am nothing, but your love could create something from this void. I know not who you are, but I am waiting.

Complicated

2007-11-10T00:15:00.000-05:00

Why is everything always so complicated? Life has been weird lately. To top it off, I've started into a depressed episode, so right now I don't even feel like I'm alive at all. Existence is so hard sometimes. Sometimes I just wish I didn't exist. But I just have to remind myself that no matter what comes, I just need to press on and do my best to make the world a better place for everyone. I just wish it wasn't so hard to bring myself to do anything when I get like this. *sigh*

Energy

2007-11-04T11:40:00.000-05:00

I feel like running in circles around my house. I want to dance and sing and hug people and spin in circles and bounce around like a crazy person. I have so much energy today and I need something to do with it! Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Oddity

2007-10-28T20:05:00.000-04:00

I've noticed something strange. Every career aptitude test, personality test with career suggestions, and career suggestions based on astrology or anything like that, all of them agree that my ideal career would be counselor, psychologist, or priest. Kinda cool considering I've given serious thought to becoming a counselor or psychologist.

Party

2007-10-28T11:47:00.000-04:00

That was great. Went to a Halloween party last night, where a few of us got the great idea to fake someone's death. Long story short, we almost convinced the rest of the people at the party that I'd been hit by a car. It was so awesome, and I'm still red from all the fake blood. That's going to be fun to explain to my coworkers tomorrow. :)

Manic

2007-10-26T09:21:00.000-04:00

Okay, I've definitely been manic for a couple of days now. I've barely been able to sleep, I've been eating more than usual, and the way I've been feeling can only be described as "indestructible". I really need to remind myself not to drink when I'm like this, even though it does give me an excuse for my behavior that doesn't require telling people that I'm manic. People just assume I'm drunk instead. Unfortunately having that excuse isn't always good since not wanting to tell people I'm manic can help me control myself sometimes. But it's so much fun. I just know by the time this is over I'm going to have pissed someone off.

!!!!!! :)

2007-10-25T04:06:00.000-04:00

It's 4am, I'm wired, happy, singing, and just generally awesome and excited. Weeeeeeeee! I had a weird dream. In it, a bunch of people including Cathi, Jade, and myself were staying at a haunted mansion, and to make a long story short I fought off the evil-spirit-demon-thing (which was invisible) with a katana that for some reason I just happened to have with me. It was pretty nifty, and made me feel very good about myself. I want that katana in real life though, it was awesome. :)

Confusion

2007-10-23T13:18:00.001-04:00

I hate it when this happens. I've been randomly giggling or crying all day, but not because I've been happy or sad. As in, I'll just be sitting there doing something and tears will start pouring out, even though I'm not upset. Or likewise I'll start giggling for no reason. I can't help but wonder what the hell causes that. It doesn't seem like a bipolar symptom, though I guess it could be. It usually happens just before I have an episode, so there's probably some connection there.

Tarot is fun

2007-10-23T11:53:00.000-04:00

Wow, I got a tarot reading, and my "core cards", the ones the represent the fundamental aspects of who I am, are "The Lovers" and "The Fool". So once again I'm just being told that I'm a hopeless romantic. It's slightly odd that pretty much everything that's supposed to determine personality traits, regardless of validity, ends up telling me that.

Self-help

2007-10-23T10:38:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to wonder if there is any hope for me living without medication. I've been managing for these past several months, but I wonder if it's worth it. I just don't like things messing with my mind, it's messed up enough as it is, and I don't want to spend years finding the "right" combination of pills just to function. I wish there was a good therapist I could see around here, but unfortunately I've yet to find one that wouldn't just tell me to get back on the pills. *sigh* Then again, the medication wasn't working before, and from everything I've read there's a VERY high chance that the pills won't ever work, because of how quickly my episodes cycle.

Up, up and no where to go.

2007-10-18T17:02:00.000-04:00

I'm in a very good mood today. Jennifer got herself a new job, which is awesome and a great relief for her, which in turn means I'm less worried. Matt got a job back at Bloom too, so that's more good news. My day has been pretty good, and things are pretty calm right now. Now I just wish I had something fun to do with my time. Not that sitting here singing isn't fun, just I wish I was out with friends. Oh well, still nice to be in a good mood.

Poem: Knight

2007-10-16T17:34:00.001-04:00

Knight by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=

I'd love to be your knight in shining armor,
But I'm afraid my breastplate's rusted,
My sword and shield broken to pieces,
In a battle with a demon disguised as a damsel.

I'm not perfect, lacking in luster and shean,
But if you would look past the scars,
Underneath still beats the heart of a hero,
Waiting for his happily ever after.

Relief

2007-10-16T16:54:00.000-04:00

Wow, this is an odd realization. My post, "Well Well" didn't sound at all how I'd meant it. I hadn't reread it until it was mentioned to me, but yeah, wow. I know why it sounded so much more negative than I'd intended though. I was really worried, because the last time someone was interested in me then said "let's just be friends first", they stopped even speaking to me. I didn't think that was the case here, and it's not, but apparently it worried me more than I'd known. So yeah, that post was supposed to be more upbeat, as the whole "friends first" is actually a good thing to me. Of course, the only person that really needed to know that I've already explained it to, but just so when I'm rereading this blog I'll have this clarification in here.

Birthday

2007-10-16T14:59:00.000-04:00

*sigh* If I could drive, I would go out and buy myself a cupcake and party hat, put on the hat, stick a candle in the cupcake, light it, blow out the candle and wish to not be alone anymore. Maybe I'd buy myself a present too. At least it would be something.

Another one down

2007-10-16T12:13:00.000-04:00

I'm 25 today. I remember when birthdays were happy and fun. This one is worthless. I'm sitting around alone, with nothing to do, and the only people that have said happy birthday to me today are a few people on MySpace and my mom. No calls, no visits, no one asking if I'm doing anything, no body really cares how I am today. I'm just sitting around thinking about all the time lost, and wondering if things are ever going to get better, if I'm ever going to feel like anything is worth it. I failed the driving test this morning, because I'm a nervous wreck all the time. Even if I passed it I don't know that I'd trust myself driving. Not that it even matters, it's not like I'd ever have anywhere to go. I don't want to sound like an attention whore, but I used to love the fact that my birthday meant people would actually gather around and show that they actually had some interest in me. Now I feel like I'd have to run around screaming just to get someone to notice me. I really didn't want to be alone today.

Well well.

2007-10-14T21:57:00.000-04:00

As to my last post, regarding the healthiness of trying to stay happy by thinking about how well things were going with Cathi and I, turns out yes, unhealthy. We're going to just be friends, at least for now. It's okay though, I can perfectly well understand, and honestly it made me realize I'm probably not ready for an actual relationship right now anyway. *sigh* I need to figure out some way to change the way I am, or at least a way to use my strengths, instead of constantly having to play against them. Unfortunately, the things that make use of my talents aren't viable ways to make a living.

Real life should leave me alone

2007-10-14T18:05:00.000-04:00

I'm disappointed in myself for not getting my license yet. I was determined to have it before my birthday, and now that's not going to happen. *sigh* Plus I've been under a lot of stress at work because one of the managers and the new office girl are both looking for excuses to get me in trouble. Add to that my financial situation, and the fact that I need to find some professional assistance in treating my condition. I've been at home all day today, which always gets me thinking too much and criticizing myself, so all these things have been bearing down on my mind today. I refuse to let myself slip down though, because I need to stay focused on improving the situation. While I suppose the healthiness of it is debatable, I've managed to keep myself from getting down by reminding myself that things have been going very well with Cathi and I, which makes me happy. I wish I could stop taking life so seriously. I really need to spend more time doing more physical things, to help me be less caught up in my thoughts. That and I need to get back into school and start taking more creative classes, like art or drama. I think that would help me a lot, and I really want to learn more ways of expressing my creativity.

Amazed

2007-10-14T10:18:00.000-04:00

Cathi and I went out again yesterday. She is so incredible, that was easily one of the best days of my life. We went to see Resident Evil: Extinction, which was good in it's own B-movie way. Then we got lunch at Ruby Tuesday's, and climbed the rocks over on River Road a bit. I haven't climbed since I was little, it was so much fun. We talked, joked around, had some romantic moments, it was great.

Swooning

2007-10-12T10:57:00.000-04:00

Last night was a lot of fun, and the start of something amazing. Cathi is wonderful, and really cute. :)

My state of being

2007-10-11T18:10:00.000-04:00

My current state of mind is defined very well by the Jimmy Eat World song, "A Praise Chorus". Listen to it :)

Birthdays

2007-10-09T11:48:00.000-04:00

Just one of the many reasons I love October. So many birthdays to celebrate. So far, it was my mom's on the 6th, it was also my friend Bob's on the 6th, then it was my friend Adam's on the 8th, and one of coworkers, Ashley, her birthday was also the 8th. Still coming up are many more, including mine. Go Go Libra! Hehe. Oh wow, now that I think about it my birthday is only a week from today! And Cathi's is one day earlier. And my sister's is three days after. Wow, that really snuck up on me.

Up, up, and away

2007-10-07T18:31:00.000-04:00

Happy to report my recent depressed spell seems to be coming to a close, and things are starting to look brighter again. This past year has been hell, but I'm starting to really believe that things are getting better, and that I'll be able to better control the bipolar disorder eventually, after all I'm still learning more about it, and I've made impressive progress considering that I've been mostly unable to get any decent professional help. And all the other problems are starting to be resolved as well, and I think once all of this is done I will be a stronger, better person for it. In short, bring it on world, I'm ready.

A little thing from Blogthings

2007-10-07T15:13:00.000-04:00

Saw this on my new friend's MySpace page and thought is was interesting.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Disillusioned.

2007-10-06T00:15:00.000-04:00

Nothing feels real anymore. My life has become an illusion, devoid of meaning or substance. Maybe it's not life, maybe it's me. Perhaps I have become so confused and jaded that I'm not even myself anymore. It's an odd feeling, like I'm not really a part of things, not even a part of myself, like I'm some foreign entity silently observing the decline of a pathetic, worthless human being. I've always had a lot of times that I've felt this way, but lately it's been almost constant. I'm not even faking it well anymore, people have started to notice my total disengagement from my surroundings, and myself. I'm not sure what makes this happen, but I just desperately want something to feel real again. I'm starting to forget what "real" feels like, and it's really scaring me. I don't want to end up like this forever, I'm terrified that I'll never be able to bring myself back to reality, that I'll slip further and further into my head and never escape, that I'll become nothing, an empty shell. All I want is to curl up in a little ball and cry. I just want someone to tell it's all going to be okay, and really mean it. I just want something to give me some hope, something to cling to, something to anchor me so I won't drift further and further into this nightmare. I want to be okay again, it feels like it's been forever since I've really felt right. Please, just make this all go away.

Back to okay

2007-09-25T23:15:00.000-04:00

Well, I've managed to reach an okay state of mind now, mostly thanks to Rachel even though she doesn't know it. My friends are great. All these posts today are mostly so I'll have a record of just how wildly my mood changes sometimes. While I was at work, for the first couple hours I was horribly depressed, after that I was pissed off for no apparent reason for a while, then I saw Rachel and talking to her got me to smile and brought my mood back up to okay. That's one of the reasons I love being with my friends, they have this amazing knack for fixing my mood without even knowing it.

Numbness

2007-09-25T12:43:00.001-04:00

Fuck it all. I don't even care anymore. I give up. The world can save itself, I'm through. Love can bite my ass. I don't want anything to do with any of it. I just want to find a way to forget I exist. Everything can just go the fuck to hell, I'm sick and tired of all this bullshit. I hate everything.

Crying

2007-09-25T11:38:00.000-04:00

I hate crying. At least I hate crying for no reason. It's so frustrating when I can't stop crying but I don't even know why I'm crying to begin with. God I hate being so unstable. Hopefully I'll be better by the time I go to work, but it doesn't look likely since I've only got three hours. *sigh* I need help.

I hate mood swings

2007-09-25T10:12:00.000-04:00

Well isn't this fun, I've been pissed off, happy, depressed, back to angry, and now just horribly bitter. God I love being bipolar. *grumble* I hope this doesn't keep up all day, this sucks. I really need to just not associate with my ex anymore, her and her boyfriend are such complete assholes. Seriously, they're self-absorbed hateful idiots, I don't know why I still try to be nice to them. No, I take that back, I know exactly why. I didn't want the rest of my friends that have been friends with them to have to "pick a side". If only the two of them could at least try to be civil this wouldn't be such a problem, but they're both to caught up in themselves to care about things like that, so honestly I need to just say fuck it and tell them I never want to see them again. I hate saying that, because it feels like just avoiding the problem, but I know those two idiots will never be willing to work through it with me, so this is pretty much the only way. Why the hell do they have to be so stupid?

On the edge.

2007-09-25T08:21:00.000-04:00

I'm a little on edge today. Maybe I'm just in that kind of mood today, or maybe the combination of a lot of things has finally gotten to me, I'm not sure. But either way I'm about to fucking lose it. Damn it, I fucking hate this shit. Now is the time when I think over the very short mental list of people that have ever truly pissed me off and remind myself that violence never solved anything. But god damn there's a few people that need the hell beaten out of them right now. I swear if I saw those people right now I don't think I could resist the urge to kick the living shit out of them. I don't get like this often, and I know myself too well to think I'd ever actually do it, but god damn it would feel good to make them bleed. Like I said, I honestly don't know why I'm like this today, but rest assured I know I wouldn't actually do anything like that. Just dreaming of burning a certain someone's house down with them still inside. God damn it. I hate feeling like this. I just have a lot of fucking unresolved issues, and I'm probably having an episode, and certain people just need to fucking die. Fuck it all. It's probably a good thing that I know I could never go through with any of the horrifying things I can imagine doing to relieve the pain. I'm just imagining a specific person with a rather large knife embedded in his eye socket while I drive my heel into his throat. I am so fucked up...

Poem: Muse

2007-09-23T22:43:00.000-04:00

Muse by Scott Barnes
-=-=

I write these words to try,
to help me understand,
why I treat myself this way,
with my heart in my hand.

The pain is never ending,
The grief will stay with me,
In sadness I'm forgiven,
For what I can never be.

My muse is a sadist,
It feeds on my pain,
Only when hopeless,
Can I really explain.

I can never escape it,
I will always be,
Enslaved to the darkness,
My heart never free.

Through torment, through torture,
In fear, and in pain,
Forever this prison,
Will drive me insane.

I will not give up,
I will not give in,
The loneliness drives me,
Though I will never win.

Poem: Rubble

2007-09-19T16:30:00.001-04:00

Rubble by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=

I fear I've fallen to pieces,
Lying cold and lonely on the floor,
Battered, broken, beaten down,
I fear I cannot take much more.

But with the rubble of my heart,
I'll build a brand new wall,
Stronger, better than before,
To protect me from it all.

This fortress of misery and lies,
Will protect me from the pain,
Built on broken oaths and vows,
Safe inside I shall remain.

Nightmares.

2007-09-18T10:03:00.000-04:00

I very rarely have dreams I can remember. So why is it that lately I've been waking up remembering horrible nightmares? *sigh* At least it's a good indicator of the mood I'll be in. Too bad it's not a good mood. And of course most of these nightmares involve my ex and her boyfriend. I swear, I thought I was past this by now. Apparently my dreams aren't. Mostly the dreams involve them continuing to torture me and make me miserable, while I keep right on trying to be their friend. Because even in my dreams I'm a sucker. The worst thing about it is that the reality isn't that different, except that in reality it's mostly my own mind torturing me, and them just being selfish idiots. I swear, why do I have to be like this? I'm normally so good and the whole "forgive and forget" deal. I guess they managed to find something I can't forgive. So of course now I'm in a shitty mood, and that's not good since I've been having a mild manic episode lately, which makes emotional control rather difficult. On the plus side, it means this mood won't last long, since I mood swing a lot when I'm like this. (Yeah, still with the mood swings, it's a bitch...) At least I'm not as depressed as I have been, hopefully I won't lapse back into that too soon. Oh well, one good thing about it all, my life won't get too boring since my brain is a freakin' roller coaster. Well, I guess that's enough written introspection for now, back to just thinking it.

"Me"

2007-09-16T21:37:00.000-04:00

I don't know if there is a real "me" anymore. I think I'm just a product of everything everyone tells me I should be. There is no "me", just a lot of faces with no meaning or depth. I'm turning into a hollow shell, waiting to be filled with whatever people tell me. I think I'm losing the will to be a real person anymore.

War.

2007-09-16T11:28:00.000-04:00

So much conflict inside my head, and it's driving me mad. I've been mood swinging violently, and I'm not sure if it's ever going to end. There are just so many things racing through my head, battling for control, I feel like I'm just sitting by the wayside, trying to stay out of the crossfire between my feelings. Love versus hate, joy versus sadness, humility versus hubris, good versus evil. I'm not sure who's winning, but I have a sinking feeling that good is losing ground. I don't want to lose control, but that's very obviously where I seem to be headed. It's terrifying sometimes, how I can just completely lose myself, trapped so deep inside my own head that I'm not even me anymore, I'm just a lost voice screaming for freedom, chained in the back of my own mind, while all the darkest parts of my psyche take the reigns. All I can do is keep fighting it, but it's so hard sometimes. Sometimes I just want to give up, to let them win. *sigh*

Poem: Comfortable

2007-09-13T23:19:00.001-04:00

Comfortable by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-=-=-

Sometimes I just can't live inside my skin,
Can't deal with all the demons in my mind,
Unstable and uncertain
bleeding breathless in this bed,
Losing and confusing
everything I am,
I'm just desperate to escape from my head.

Let me just slip out of my mind,
and into something more comfortable,
Then I'll be ready to live again.

Weighing heavy on my mind
are all the worries of this life,
Dragging heavy on my heart
are all the pains and sins,
Seeking clarity through confusion
is not the way to go,
But it's the path I follow now and then.

Live, love, learn, and grow,
get old, get tired, and die,
I just can't do it sometimes,
Struggling with these ties,

Binds that hold me to promises,
I never said I'd keep,
Lies of hopes and dreams and misses,
Now sinking in too deep.

Hate me like I hate myself,
or love me like I'm kin,
Bring me down and break me,
or save me from this sin,

No matter what you do just don't
leave me on my own,
You can't imagine what I will do
whenever I'm alone.

By myself I'm just a step away
from leaping off the ledge,
Breaking down and giving up,
Racing quickly over the edge.

Binds that hold me to promises,
I never said I'd keep,
Lies of hopes and dreams and misses,
Now sinking in too deep.

Hate me like I hate myself,
or love me like I'm kin,
Bring me down and break me,
or save me from this sin,

Let me just slip out of my mind,
and into something more comfortable,
Then I'll be ready to live again.

Friends.

2007-09-09T22:18:00.000-04:00

I am so thankful for my friends. I'm much better than I was earlier thanks to Jennifer. I am so glad I have all the people in my life that support me through the hard times, and that show me the good times. Thank you all so much, I don't know what I'd do without you.

Confused.

2007-09-09T14:35:00.000-04:00

I'm so scared... I've been crying, laughing, and feeling sick all day... It's not like I'm actually sick though, it's more like nausea from the constant mood swings... Nothing has even been happening today, I've been sitting here alone all day... I feel so worthless... I just want to die... I can't take it... Somebody help me...

Edit: I don't know why I wrote this, I should probably just delete it, but I don't want to.

Giggles.

2007-09-05T17:18:00.000-04:00

I am very very happy all of a sudden. There is no reason for it, I'm just giggling uncontrollably and feeling very odd. I want to run around in circles and scream and laugh and fall to the ground and leap up and run around more. Somewhere, part of me wants to cry too, but I'm ignoring it. I wish I had something to do though, I want to enjoy this. I should be out with friends, having fun and loving life. I need to go shopping. I need new clothes, and I had some ideas for things I'd like to get for my friends. I miss my friends. I'm sitting here all alone and it's boring. Get me out of here!!! No really, I'm bored out of my mind, dadadada, going crazy. Something like that. Yeah. I'm not sure what I'm talking about anymore. Oh wait, I'm not talking, I'm typing. Hehehehehe. Breathing is funny. It makes me laugh sometimes. I guess it's not really that funny is it. Oh well, I don't care, it's awesome. I think I should stop this "stream-of-consciousness" writing now, my train of thought seems to be passing through a very strange land.

Bisexuality.

2007-09-04T12:35:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking/worrying a lot lately about "coming out" to my parents. I know they aren't exactly open to the idea of homosexuality, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't really see any difference when it comes to being bisexual. I refuse to try to keep it a secret anymore, but I'm really worried about how they'll react when they find out. I've been reading a lot of other people's "coming out" stories, and it's given me a bit of hope that maybe they wouldn't take it that badly, but I'm still worried. I don't want them to completely freak out about it. I don't think they'd go as far as disowning me or anything, but I'm pretty sure they'd be extremely upset and/or angry. *sigh* But I know eventually it's going to come out/get back to them, and I'd prefer telling them myself over them hearing it from somewhere else, but I just can't bring myself to face that. So for now I guess I'll just keep avoiding the subject with them until I can work up the nerve to say it.

Poem: I Want My Heart Back

2007-08-26T11:33:00.000-04:00

I Want My Heart Back by: Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I said goodbye and walked away,
Tired of being used and lied to,
And left behind so much there,
Lost so many things to you,

You can keep the clothes,
You can keep the toys,
You can keep all of it,
Except for one thing,

I want my heart back, please,
I'm sure you don't want it now,
Just hand me the bloody pieces,
So I can try to fix it, somehow,

I'm finding it hard to live,
With the hollow hole in my chest,
Where you tore me to shreds,
I just want to be able to rest,
And feel my heart beat again.

I don't want you back,
I just want you gone,
I don't need the pain,
I just need to move on,

I want my heart back, please,
I'm sure you don't want it now,
Just hand me the bloody pieces,
So I can try to fix it, somehow.

You don't need to love me,
You don't need to be there,
You don't need to lie to me,
You don't need to say you care,

I want my heart back, please,
I'm sure you don't want it now,
Just hand me the bloody pieces,
So I can try to fix it, somehow.

Weekly World News

2007-08-25T10:01:00.000-04:00

Well, an era ends with a whimper. Weekly World News, the greatest paper ever written, has ceased publication. I always kinda wished I could have been a writer for them. Please take a moment of silence for the world's only reliable newspaper.

Potential.

2007-08-23T15:45:00.000-04:00

All my life, I've been told I had so much potential and I could be this and I could be that, and I still hear it constantly. I've tried my whole life to remind myself that I can't possibly be everything to everyone, I can't possible live up to all of their expectations. Even though I know that, and remind myself all the time, it still haunts me. Disappointment. No matter what I do, no matter how I try, I'll always feel like a failure, because I can't possibly succeed at the goals that have been set before me. I know I shouldn't worry about it, that I should just let it go and not let myself fall into that trap, but as hard as I try I can't forget about it. It always comes back to that feeling, like no matter what I do it's wrong. No matter what I do I'm a disappointment and a failure. I hate potential. I would be so much more motivated if all the talk of my "potential" throughout my life didn't make it seem so futile to even try. It's incredibly difficult to get yourself to act when you know that in some way you've already failed no matter what. I just wish I could forget about all these things I'm "supposed to be" so I wouldn't know what a screw-up I am. I used to try to be everything I was told I could be, but once I realized that I can't be everything, it all just stopped seeming worth it. And I can't figure out how to make it right again, how to make myself stop feeling that way, how to make it mean anything again. *sigh*

Change.

2007-08-21T23:33:00.001-04:00

I'm glad I'm me. My ability to deal with things, to turn the other cheek, to forgive and forget never ceases to surprise me. I came to the realization today that I no longer harbor any negative feelings toward my ex and her new boyfriend. It's all good. I was never that upset with them (except when I was in a bad mood anyway) but now it honestly doesn't bother me anymore. I just hope they both can get past it and we can still be friends. I know he can, and I think he has, but I'm not so sure about her. I think she still has a lot of repressed feelings there, and it seems to create some tension. I'm sure part of it is her strangely skewed view of me, and part of it is just her normal tendency to repress everything and let her feelings slowly destroy her. I just hope one day she'll get better at dealing with her feelings and get past them. There's so much good in her, if only she wasn't so bitter and resentful at the world, and she could get over the hate and be the good person she really is if she could just learn to deal with things instead of lying to herself. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do, it's something she'll have to face on her own.
On a different note, I've been doing much better at being confident. I'm slowly learning to like myself, instead of always focusing on my shortcomings. I've noticed people are responding very positively to the change as well, which helps encourage me. Now I just need to get out more. :)

Confidence.

2007-08-19T21:11:00.000-04:00

I need more confidence in myself. I've been feeling more confident the past few days and it feels great. I want to be confident like this more often. I want to feel my worthwhile and courageous. I want to be able to let loose more. I want to let my impulsive side roam free more often. I want to stop being so scared and worried. I just want to learn to appreciate myself more. I want to say what I think without worrying about what people will think. It doesn't seem like it should be so hard, but it is. I'm making progress though, mostly thanks to Nikki, Matt, and Rachel. They've been helping me a lot with my confidence problem. And of course Jennifer, without her helping me keep myself calm and helping me not get so depressed I know I wouldn't be getting better. Thank you, all of you. I don't know what I'd do without such great friends. And I should thank Kenny for being a sounding board when I needed to release my frustration about things, and just for being a good friend for so long. Of course, I don't know if anyone except maybe Nikki will actually read this, but I'll be sure to thank you all personally too. It might help if I didn't get so serious and intense about life, but I really can't help that. I'm so lucky to have my friends and family in my life. I love you all.

Poem: Tides

2007-08-15T20:36:00.000-04:00

Tides by Scott Barnes
-=-=-

The past is gaining ground,
The memories flooding though,
Wiping away everything inside,
And destroying my mind.

It's a constant struggle,
to keep myself intact,
to keep myself together,
bracing for impact.

The waters of time recede,
The tides of misery subside,
I'm left all alone,
In the wasteland left behind.

The wasteland slowly regrows,
Into a lush and fertile land,
of ideas and thoughts and feelings,
Overgrowing and absorbing me.

The process begins again,
The tides rush in anew,
I slowly remember everything,
I begin to remember you.

Memory

2007-08-13T21:49:00.000-04:00

I usually have almost no memory. The few times I start remembering I realize why I usually don't. It makes me miserable. The past is a horrible blur of terrifying and sickening images. I'm not saying I don't have any happy memories, just that my happy memories only serve to remind me how much I've lost and what I fear I'll never find again. It's better when I don't remember. Things seem brighter, happier, more hopeful when I forget. I'd like to think the future will be better than the past, but unfortunately I find it difficult to be optimistic sometimes. The only time I'm really happy anymore is when I'm with my friends forgetting all about these things. I don't know though, part of me wants to just embrace my depression with open arms and let it consume me. Part of me wishes the mania would start up again and never end. Part of me doesn't know what to think or say or do anymore. All of me wishes things would change. I'm trying my hardest to change, and I have, but changing what I want without changing myself completely is so difficult. Nothing is really enjoyable anymore unless someone I care about is involved. I'm tired and moody most of the time, but the moment I'm with my friends I start getting hyper and excited. I never want to be alone again. It's not a real solution, but it's the only thing I can find. These mood swings and episodes are killing me. I don't even know if I can blame this on the bipolar disorder anymore, it's become far too frequent for that. It's like my entire feelings, mood, and outlook change drastically from day to day, sometimes more than once a day. I don't understand it. I shouldn't be like this. I know I'll never make it if I don't figure this out and fix it. I can't live the rest of my life like this. The bipolar episodes I can deal with, these recent violent mood swings I can't. It's driving me to madness. Don't get me wrong, whatever this problem is, I have no doubt that it's no one's fault but my own. I accept that. I just wish I knew why. I just wish I could put an end to it. I feel like I'm destroying what little life I ever had every moment of every day. I put on a smile for my family, my coworkers, my friends, and sometimes it's a real smile, but mostly it's just for show. My closest friends and family can still pull out a real smile occasionally, but mostly it's an act. I just don't want to whine or bring anyone else down with me. And it scares me that a lot of people see me as overemotional and dramatic, but I hold back so much as it is, I can't even imagine holding any more in. I swear I feel like a drama queen, but it's not like I do it intentionally. These feelings are real, for the most part I'm not exaggerating them either. In fact, as I said, I usually hold back and try to be more reserved about it. I just can't seem to do it anymore, and I really wish I could just let go and say what I feel all the time, but no one would ever want to be anywhere near me ever again. I've been trying to find a balance, letting it out without overdoing it, but it's proving far more difficult than I anticipated. It's like opening up a dam, once it starts pouring out there's no stopping it. I'm so confused, I'm not even sure what's real anymore. Most of the time I'm not sure anything is. Most of the time it just feels like life is a movie and I'm just watching, not really part of it. I don't know how to really explain it, just a vague sense like everything is a dream, or more appropriately, a nightmare. I can't stand it anymore, I want to feel real again. I want to feel like I'm actually alive. I'm just a ghost trapped inside my own walking corpse. Once in a while I'll have a short period of being real, but it's just enough to make me recall the life I'm missing. It's actually a deeply frightening feeling, not being real. It's terrifying actually, but I can't even show my fear because I'm not even connected to my self enough to control it. If you've ever had that sense of panic and disorientation that can only be caused by a loss of self, then you can imagine what I'm dealing with all the time. If you have never found yourself disconnected like that, if you've managed to keep your consciousness and the rest of you linked at all times, then you couldn't possibly understand what I mean, but you should consider yourself lucky for that. That's one of the reasons I keep this journal, to get these things out during my sporadic moments of connection. Luckily it's easier to stay "connected", or at least to not panic so much, when other people are around. Which is one of the reasons I hate being alone. I disconnect much more easily when I'm alone. But enough explaining to myself for now.

Venting.

2007-08-09T16:04:00.000-04:00

I am seriously not in a good mood and I'm so fucking sick of everybody's bullshit. For every honest person I've ever met, there's a ocean of fucking self-absorbed hateful liars. Fuck them all. What the fuck is wrong with all these goddamn people. Goddamn fakers and liars, all of them. Why in the hell can't all those goddamn bastards just fuck off and leave me the hell alone. The worst ones are the ones that got the closest. The ones that pretended to be decent people just so they could fucking abuse me. Shit, they're still pretending, they still won't fucking admit what heartless selfish greedy egocentric assholes they are, they still think they can fucking convince me to let them keep fucking walking all over me. It's not even worth telling them off, they'd probably enjoy knowing how much they fucking hurt me. They'd probably just laugh about with each other like the goddamn heartless bastards they are. Fuck it all, people are so goddamn fucked up, how the hell do people like that live with themselves? If I ever treated someone the way they treated me I'd fucking kill myself. What the fuck is wrong them? Part of me just wants to tell them both to go the fuck to hell and die in a fire, but that's just because I'm in a really bitchy mood right now. Goddamn it. Fuck it all. Goddamn stupid self-absorbed greedy manipulative hateful sadistic evil mother fuckers. I fucking hate this shit. I'm sorry for all the hostility, and I'm normally not this angry, even at them, I'm just in a really fucking shitty mood right now and thinking about this shit was pissing me the fuck off, and me getting pissed off doesn't happen often, so I needed to vent. I know once I cool down and I'm in a better mood it'll be fine and I won't feel like this, but I needed to get it out just to help me regain my calm and composure. Sorry for the hostile angry rant, it's very unlike me to think like this, so it's best that I don't bottle it up. By tomorrow I'll probably have calmed down and they'll just mildly irritate me again, instead of full-out pissing me off. So it's all good.

I've been tagged.

2007-08-08T15:17:00.000-04:00

I don't even know how to start. I'm supposed to put ten things about me that most people don't know, but I'm not sure if there are that many that I don't openly admit to. Where to begin...

1. I have a running competition with my friend Bob to see which of us is more feminine.

2. I think girly guys and tomboyish girls are really cute.

3. When I'm around a lot of people who aren't talking directly to me I feel invisible. I don't mean that in the sense of feeling ignored, I mean I literally forget that they know I'm there.

4. I'm a lot more impulsive than I seem. I almost never plan ahead or prepare because life is more exciting when I have no idea what could happen.

5. I act embarrassed by things sometimes when I feel like I should be embarrassed, but I'm actually almost never embarrassed by anything I say or do.

6. I tend not to admit when I'm irritated, not because I'm afraid to, but because I don't want to ruin someone else's day just because I'm in a bad mood.

7. I usually try to play off my quietness as just being shy, but in reality I'm quiet because I'm terrified that people will think I'm insane.

8. I actually like kids most of the time, but I'm always nervous around them because I can never bring myself to tell a little kid "no" to anything.

9. I pretend not to care how I look but really I worry constantly that I'm fat or ugly.

10. My sense of touch is so sensitive that being touched by other people actually slightly hurts, but I love it anyway because it makes me feel closer to them.

Hugs.

2007-08-08T00:07:00.000-04:00

Note to self: Invent device to make it possible to hug people over the internet. The world needs more hugging.

Moodiness.

2007-08-07T22:58:00.000-04:00

I hate this. I've been really moody and irritable, and not just a little bit bitchy today. I don't like being like that, I like to be the nice, even-tempered type that I usually am. Why the hell am I so emotionally unstable? I mean, I know, the bipolar thing, but even so, it seems like I shouldn't mood swing this much. I know part of it is because I've just always had quick, frequent, mild mood swings, but not like today. They haven't been mild, they've been incredibly strong. As in, going from "about to cry" to "beating my head against the wall" to "cursing to myself about everything" in the course of five minutes type of moody. It sucks.

Adderall is evil

2007-08-05T21:24:00.000-04:00

I have come to this realization. I haven't had my Adderall in a week and I'm starting to remember why I didn't want to start taking in the first place. I feel more energetic, more awake, more alive. I know I need it to function in normal society, but seriously, I don't want to. I like being the real me. The sporadic spontaneous random ridiculous crazy confusing energized eccentric me. The me that apparently alliterates a lot. I don't want to be stuffy and locked into one train of thought. I don't want a train of thought. I love my bouncy ball of thought. So many thoughts and ideas and feelings and sensations and random images and sounds racing through my head with blazing speed and when I take the Adderall they're all still there I just can't keep up with them. I want to keep up. It's not my fault I can't express my thoughts as fast as I can have them. My lack of attention span is mine damn it, and I finally have it back, I want to keep it. But I know my bosses at work aren't too happy with it. And I really don't want to lose my job. But is holding a job worth losing my self? I shouldn't even have to ask myself these questions. Why do I have to be stuck in a world that can't appreciate my unique state of mind? Oh well, it's okay though. I'm just happy to be me again, at least for now. I don't like medications. Fuck medications. Stupid pills changing my brain, forget it. I'm much happier this way, and I feel my useful and social without the stupid Adderall. I just wish everyone else didn't think I was unreliable and impulsive without it. I admit I get distracted really easily and lose track of what I'm doing and end up not doing things I was supposed to do, but still I do a lot and I'll eventually come back around to whatever it was I was supposed to be doing, it just might take a while. And I feel less anxious and freaked out. That's always a plus. Anxiety sucks. I just like it because I feel more at home inside my head now. I don't feel like a stranger to my own mind anymore. I love that. Of course, don't get me wrong, a lot of this happiness could also be because I just got over being depressed a few days ago and when the depressed episodes end is usually when the manic or hypomanic episodes start, but I feel really good about myself right now and I don't want to ruin it with those stupid pills. No pills. Ever. Pills = bad. I just wanna live and be myself without people raining on my parade damn it. Why is that so hard? Why can't real life just leave me be and let me enjoy my mind. Why does everyone want me to be something else, why can't I just be the force of creative randomness I am naturally? I have a million ideas in my brain and I don't want to live my life with them racing circles around me, scaring me and threatening to consume my tortured psyche because some stupid pills slow me down. I want to embrace my madness. I want to free myself and stop trying to anchor down with pills, just let the currents and tides of the chaos of my thoughts sweep me away. Drifting aimlessly in a stormy ocean of ideas is the life for me. Besides, maybe one day someone will come along to anchor me. I'd rather be anchored by love than by chemicals. I'm reminded of "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails. I love that song. It's so forceful. You know what other Nine Inch Nails song really moves me? "Hurt". I cry every time I hear that song, it's just beautiful and powerful. Kinda like what I want in a relationship. Someone emotionally beautiful and powerful, someone who is on the outside as I am on the inside. That would be my dream come true. Too bad my ex was more the first part, she just made me cry. But she was powerful. Oh did she ever have power over me. I hate to admit it but that was one of the things I loved about her. I hate being bossed around, but somehow I didn't mind when she did it. I'll never understand that. And there aren't many things I can't understand. I'm very good at figuring things out, what with my hyperactive mind and all. Anyway, I suppose I should end this post eventually shouldn't I? Yeah, I probably should end it now that I've starting asking myself questions in writing. So yeah, end transmission.

Getting better.

2007-08-02T13:41:00.000-04:00

Depression sucks. Thankfully my latest "episode" is going away, and I'm starting to feel more spirited. I need to do something with myself at this point, make some progress in my life, before the next episode starts and messes it all up again. I'm in a better place, and I'd like to make the most of it. It still feels strange to me that I always get like this when the depression starts to fade, this phase where I'm not as down anymore but I still haven't reached my normal state of high-spirited idealism. Sometimes I think I'm most productive at times like this, when I'm getting over the depression but my head hasn't quite floated back into the clouds yet. Analyzing myself like this makes me feel like a crazy person, but I suppose in a way I am. It's okay though, being crazy keeps things interesting. Personal psychological drama for the win. This is what I don't understand about people that whine and complain about their mental problems (or the ones they claim to have). I'm perfectly okay with keeping it to my blog and occasionally talking to a good friend about it, I see no reason to make a big public spectacle of it. I guess I'm just not as attention starved as they are. Oh well, to each their own.

Sanity

2007-07-27T22:23:00.000-04:00

I've come to the realization that I make far less sense than I thought. I'm not sure how much of what I say or write comes out as I intend it, but I have come to the rather disturbing realization that my words are not always an appropriate expression of what I mean. It's especially frightening because it all makes perfect sense to me when I say or write it, and, in the case of writing, will usually make sense when I read over it later. To others however, I have doubts as to how much of even this entry will be interpreted as what I actually intend to say. Maybe that's why so few people will listen to me. What worries me more is that occasionally my words aren't just mistaken, they genuinely make no sense to others. I used to think it was just the fact that I use a lot of words most people don't, but I've been keeping track of the times that people seemed confused by my words lately, and I now realize the problem isn't the words themselves, it's my usage of them. Namely, I tend to use words that "sound right" to me, but aren't appropriate for the thought I'm expressing. Which would seem to imply that I don't realize what the words mean, but that's the unsettling part. I do understand them perfectly well, I just use them incorrectly without realizing it. Not in writing usually, since I can revise my writing, but in speech I do it frequently. It's deeply frustrating now that I've started carefully observing it and noticing just how much I end up being misunderstood because of my word approximation. Of course, it's not that I never realized this before, it's just that I used to be perfectly fine with not talking much, so it wasn't such a problem. Now I'm starting to wish I could be more vocal, and having this kind of difficulty is rather inhibiting. Also, for the first time in my life I'm thankful that I learned to control my palilalia. For anyone who doesn't know, palilalia is a condition where the person will repeat or mouth the last few words they said. I used to be horrible about that, I would constantly finish talking then repeat the last few words under my breath. The worst part was that I didn't even know I was doing it unless someone pointed it out. As far as I know I haven't done that in a long time though, thankfully. The worst is when I'm under a lot of stress though, I've had a few occasions where I'd get into "word salad", which as funny as it sounds that's actually the clinical term for it. "Word salad" is basically nonsense, but with real words and normal grammar, like "You seem shiny, maybe tomatoes are turquoise!". I've only done that a few times though, and only a tiny bit because I realized as soon as I started doing it that I wasn't making any sense. That makes me sound really crazy doesn't it? I'm not crazy though, it's just a weird problem with my ability to express my thoughts. That's why I prefer expressing feelings, I can usually express those properly. Keep in mind though, I'm not trying to complain or make excuses for anything or whatever this may sound like, if it does sound like that, I'm not sure, but I'm just explaining all of this because I want to make some record of it, so others might understand me better, and so I'll have a reminder if I forget all of this, which is rather likely given my memory problems.