Wheeee!

I'm in a super-ultra-awesome-tastic mood right now and I don't even know why but it's soooooo great I love everything and I just wish I could dance around and sing and throw my arms around someone and make them dance with me and show them how amazingly awesome everything is oh my god it's so wonderful I just want to scream at the top of my lungs how much I love everybody and yay! :) I think it's probably the Adderall and massive quantities of caffeine talking but everything is so shiny and beautiful and incredible!

Rain.

I love the rain. So many times I've found myself hiding outside somewhere, crying my eyes out, and it'll start to rain, and for just a second it'll make me feel better. For just a second I'll feel like the sky is sympathizing with me, crying for me. I know that sounds pathetic, but sometimes it's all I have.

Boredom.

God I need somewhere to go, something to do, someone to talk to, anything. I'm going to go fucking insane if I sit here any longer. I can't take it. I know I'm going out soon, but I don't want to wait, it's driving me nuts. Gah. It's not as bad as it was before I got back on Adderall, but it's still really bad. I definitely need to talk to the doctor about increasing my dosage.

ADD: An odd little story.

There's a button in my brain, labeled "reality."
If I hold it I can see and hear and feel these things around me.
But the moment I let go I get so lost inside my head.
And that button is just so hard to press.
There's this oil I can put on the button called "medication."
It makes it easier to push, but I still have hold it down,
or it pops right back out, and lost I am again.
I get so tired of holding that button.

Hate.

The world is a pile of rot and decay. All life is based on opportunistic destruction. Profiting from the death of other living things. Happiness is not created, it's stolen. We all kill everything around us in the pathetic hopes of delaying our own inevitable demise. I can't stand it. Just waiting my turn die. Surviving off the suffering and death of other living things. Surviving through destroying this world piece by piece. I used to wish I could save the world. Now I can only hope that when this universe falls into oblivion it will be replaced by one less dark. One where creation outweighs destruction. But I'll never see such a place.

New meds

Well, I went to my new psych for the first time today, I'm back on meds. He gave me Trileptal and Adderall XR. Hopefully it'll help. I'm a little apprehensive about the Trileptal, but I'll give it a try. The Adderall XR I'm a little unsure about, it's a much lower dose than the normal Adderall I used to be on. Oh well. Hopefully it'll work. I guess I'll know tomorrow when I take it. As for the Trileptal, to start really working it takes like five days, so I won't know for a while. My next appointment is in a month, I should know before then if it's working luckily, so if it doesn't I can try something else. Ah, back to being a crazy person on behavioral meds. I'm already dreading the onslaught of "did you forget your pills?" whenever I do something weird.