Meh.

I'm so lost. I just feel like my entire life is hopeless, pathetic, useless. I'm so weak. I'm ashamed of everything about myself, especially the sorry, worthless way I handle things. I can't deal with anything, all I can ever do is try to run away, and it never works. One day my lamentable attempts to cope will destroy me, and I'm almost waiting for it. It's just too much, I can't take it. Everyone else survives it perfectly fine, I know, but I just can't. I'm broken, damaged, a complete failure as a human being. I don't understand how people carry on like this, yet I'm falling apart. It's not like I have such a horrible life, people deal with far worse than I do and make it, why am I so feeble that I can't deal with anything? People would be better off if they'd just accept how pitiful and inferior I am and leave me to die. Don't misunderstand me, I don't want to die. I just don't think I deserve life. I should never have existed in the first place. I'm defective, a waste of flesh. Why anyone even cares, I can't even begin to understand. I just wish everyone knew how profoundly sorry I am for wasting their time by being.

I don't know anymore.

I don't know how to go on. Everyone thinks I need medication. I know they're right. But I don't want to, I hate it. It makes me feel like I'm not me anymore. I don't want to depend on pills just to keep myself from feeling these things, no matter how much it destroys me. I just want to be me, why the hell do I have to be this way? Why can't I just be okay, and not need anything to alter my mind to keep me from slipping like this? I guess I deserve it, I'm a horrible worthless excuse for a human being anyway. I don't deserve to exist, I should just let the doctors stick me on whatever they decide to and take away everything I am, so maybe whatever is left will be worthy of living. But I don't want to. It's like it kills a part of me. I know it would make me better, but is it worth losing myself? I just don't know anymore... Sometimes I just wish I was dead so none of this would matter anymore.