Strange...

This day has been strange. It's been (mostly) a really good day. Work was actually fun, we did all kinds of weird fun stuff for the company's anniversary. Plus I got my new room mostly set up, it's pretty nice. Other than the news I got about my friend Lauren, it's been a really good day. But for some reason I feel bad about it. There's something wrong. This day shouldn't be. It's almost like I feel guilty for being okay. I guess it's not so much guilt, as it feels like a lie. Like by having a good day I'm betraying myself. I'm not supposed to have good days. I'm supposed to be miserable. I get like this a lot when I'm coming out my depression, this weird feeling like I don't want to let it go, like I want to be depressed again. I really wish I could figure out why I do this to myself and how to stop.

Poem: Mirror

Mirror by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=
Who the hell are you?
Why won't you leave me alone?
I'm so tired of your face.
Every time I look, there you are.
Every pool, every puddle
Every plate on metal,
In every mirror I find you.
I hate you.

Congestion.

I need a new outlet. My creativity is being stifled by my inability to express it adequately. All these ideas and feelings piling up, consuming my mind, because I can't find the right way to get them out. It's driving me insane... I need a change. I need new inspiration to feed these ideas, so they won't become so singularly themed. I need a lot of things, but mostly I need to something new. Something different. A new muse, and a new outlet. I need to get this out of my head so I can actually think again. So every moment of every day can be more than a vague sense of life fogged over, obscured, by a million points of darkness and light, like static inside my brain, a veil of thoughts and feelings carefully separating me from reality. So I can be part of this world, not just an observer. So I can feel real again. That or I need to be able to totally disconnect, to stop worrying myself sick about everyone and everything else so I can work myself out of this slump. So I can clear the noise. So I can lift this mist from my senses and live again. Or at least so someone can understand that my world is more than just what exists, what we see and hear and feel... So someone else can enter my world and see the things I've seen. Feel what I've felt. So someone can understand me. I feel so isolated, and it's my own fault. I can't escape it, my own little internal hell. It's more real to me than the "real" world. I'm tired of being lost in it. I need to find my way back to the land of the living. I need to get back to reality and find a way to show people the world I've seen. The place that lives inside my head. It's tearing me apart.

I am nothing.

I don't exist.

Lost.

I really wish I could see someone right now. I hate this. I'm sitting here, completely alone, with all the dark thoughts I try so hard to fight closing in on me and I have no way out. My own mind is trying to kill me, I swear. It hates me. It tortures me. The little voices telling me I'm stupid and I'm worthless and no one will ever care about me. Even though I know people do care it just gets so hard to ignore that little voice that makes me feel worthless. That voice that says everyone else would be better off if I was dead. And it scares me because sometimes it makes sense. Sometimes I start to believe it. I just don't know what I can do anymore...