Much better.

No offense to MySpace (well okay, maybe a little offense) but I've decided to start using a real blog now. I'll probably repost some of my old entries from the MySpace blog here shortly.

Medication

I give up on this crap. If I'm miserable, fine. If I'm "impulsive", so be it. If I lose interest too easily and my mind wanders a lot, I'll deal with it. I'm sick of being medicated to "fix" me. Hell, if the medication really worked, if it really "fixed it" instead of just delaying it and having fucked up side effects, maybe I'd feel differently. Maybe I'd still take them. But as it is, it's useless. I am what I am, any problems I have, I'll figure out how to fix them myself. This drugging me into sanity bullshit isn't cutting it anymore. I know the doctors just want to help, I know they think these pills are supposed to make me "better" and sometimes, just sometimes, they do make me feel better. But even when they do, it doesn't feel right. I can't say I refuse to take any of it though. At least when I'm going to work I still take the amphetamines for my ADD. Without them I get too restless and it irritates my bosses/coworkers. So unless I wanted to be unemployed I'm kinda stuck with that much. Mostly I just need to get the hell away. I'm not the type to settle in. Constantly moving, adapting, evolving, changing, learning, growing, that's the only thing that keeps me from completely losing my mind, and I right now I'm just too constrained. I don't need pills, I need a way out. I need to get loose, I need someone to drag me out of this rut so I can start actually living again instead popping pills and being a good little walking zombie. And if no one else will help, I'll just have to find a way to drag myself out, but that's going to be tough. You try being a social butterfly when your mind is so cluttered that you can barely remember your own name half the time. You try relying on yourself when you have no way of knowing whether you're going to wake up feeling like the world is perfect and wonderful, or feeling completely depressed, numb, like nothing in existence matters. Sure, most days it's okay, most days I wake up feeling however I should feel. But I've learned not to rely too much on anything, especially not myself. I've been told I'm dependable, trustworthy, loyal, and so on, by a lot of different people. But not for me. I'm reliable to others because no matter how I'm feeling I still respect and appreciate the people around me. Just not me. It's not that I hate myself or anything, I just really don't give a crap about me. I don't really see much reason to, it's not like I belong, here or anywhere else. The best use I can make of myself is to help others achieve something worthwhile. If I wasn't so critical I'd probably find a nicer way to put it, like "I inspire and uplift people" or something. Either way the point is that making life better for the people around me is the only thing I actually feel motivated to do most of the time, and when I spend too much time alone, I start to feel too useless even for that. And the drugs do nothing for that kind of issue. So I'm just saying fuck it, I'll work through these problems myself, with people who care, not with pills from some doctor that talks to me for five minutes four times a year.

Poem: Silence

Silence by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-

I just wanted to tell you we had,
A great conversation today,
You'll never remember it though,
You weren't there anyway.

It happens all the time you know,
I tell you my hopes and fears,
Sharing everything I think about,
Though it never reaches your ears.

Sometimes I forget that you can't hear me.
Sometimes I forget you're not really there.

I'm so quiet when you're near,
You probably never knew,
That I spend so much of my time,
Telling myself to you.

I wish that I could speak to you,
But quickly our time slips away,
I'd rather spend it listening,
To what you have to say.

So for now I'll just settle,
For these talks inside my head,
Until one day we have more time,
So I can speak aloud instead.

Poem: A Simple Message

A Simple Message by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Uncertain of what I should do,
Unsure of what I can say,
Unable to tell you these words,
Inside of me, locked away.

They hide inside my mind,
Tearing me apart,
The silence that I give you,
Lies about my heart.

I wish I could set them free,
I wish I could shout it out,
I wish I wasn't so filled with,
Uncertainty and doubt.

If only things were different,
If I could say it another way,
I would announce it to the world,
I would tell everyone, today.

I love you.

Poem: Maelstrom

Maelstrom by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-=-

A beautiful tempest of light and sound,
Cascading and swirling around,
Millions of points moving too quickly,
I can't even see the ground.

Torrents of sensations captivate,
Drawing me into the sea,
I'm losing sight of where I began,
And losing sight of me.

It's a wonderful place to visit,
I only wish I could get away,
This is my Eden, my home, and my prison,
My mind, and I'm here to stay.

The stars don't shine like they used to

This is not right. Looking up at the night sky shouldn't make me feel so alone. But all I can think about is how much I wish I had someone here to look at the stars with me. It sucks being a romantic sometimes. Honestly, I wish I could be perfectly happy alone, but I can't. Nothing really feels worth it without someone to share it with. It's not that I *need* someone, just I can't help but feel like life itself is less vibrant, less real when I'm alone. I'd hoped by now I'd be getting better about this, but it still just all seems... fake somehow. Oh well, another night alone, another night wasted. I'll just hope tomorrow will be better.

Rambling is more fun with an audience

I wish I had someone to talk to more often. I get very bored of talking to myself. (In my head, not out loud. Usually.) More importantly, I wish I knew more people who would actually enjoy listening to my random psychological and philosophical rants. Posting them on a blog just isn't the same. For that matter, typing them isn't the same. I need to actually speak, and hear people respond, at least occasionally. Of course, it might help if I wasn't always so damn quiet around people. I just have trouble starting a conversation, since my mind tends to get ahead of me. I'm working on it though, despite the fact that I usually get a lot of really odd looks the moment I start talking. As if I didn't get enough of that from my behavior, body language, and general appearance. Oh well, I'm fine with being abnormal, so I guess it's not that big of a deal.