Back to okay

Well, I've managed to reach an okay state of mind now, mostly thanks to Rachel even though she doesn't know it. My friends are great. All these posts today are mostly so I'll have a record of just how wildly my mood changes sometimes. While I was at work, for the first couple hours I was horribly depressed, after that I was pissed off for no apparent reason for a while, then I saw Rachel and talking to her got me to smile and brought my mood back up to okay. That's one of the reasons I love being with my friends, they have this amazing knack for fixing my mood without even knowing it.

Numbness

Fuck it all. I don't even care anymore. I give up. The world can save itself, I'm through. Love can bite my ass. I don't want anything to do with any of it. I just want to find a way to forget I exist. Everything can just go the fuck to hell, I'm sick and tired of all this bullshit. I hate everything.

Crying

I hate crying. At least I hate crying for no reason. It's so frustrating when I can't stop crying but I don't even know why I'm crying to begin with. God I hate being so unstable. Hopefully I'll be better by the time I go to work, but it doesn't look likely since I've only got three hours. *sigh* I need help.

I hate mood swings

Well isn't this fun, I've been pissed off, happy, depressed, back to angry, and now just horribly bitter. God I love being bipolar. *grumble* I hope this doesn't keep up all day, this sucks. I really need to just not associate with my ex anymore, her and her boyfriend are such complete assholes. Seriously, they're self-absorbed hateful idiots, I don't know why I still try to be nice to them. No, I take that back, I know exactly why. I didn't want the rest of my friends that have been friends with them to have to "pick a side". If only the two of them could at least try to be civil this wouldn't be such a problem, but they're both to caught up in themselves to care about things like that, so honestly I need to just say fuck it and tell them I never want to see them again. I hate saying that, because it feels like just avoiding the problem, but I know those two idiots will never be willing to work through it with me, so this is pretty much the only way. Why the hell do they have to be so stupid?

On the edge.

I'm a little on edge today. Maybe I'm just in that kind of mood today, or maybe the combination of a lot of things has finally gotten to me, I'm not sure. But either way I'm about to fucking lose it. Damn it, I fucking hate this shit. Now is the time when I think over the very short mental list of people that have ever truly pissed me off and remind myself that violence never solved anything. But god damn there's a few people that need the hell beaten out of them right now. I swear if I saw those people right now I don't think I could resist the urge to kick the living shit out of them. I don't get like this often, and I know myself too well to think I'd ever actually do it, but god damn it would feel good to make them bleed. Like I said, I honestly don't know why I'm like this today, but rest assured I know I wouldn't actually do anything like that. Just dreaming of burning a certain someone's house down with them still inside. God damn it. I hate feeling like this. I just have a lot of fucking unresolved issues, and I'm probably having an episode, and certain people just need to fucking die. Fuck it all. It's probably a good thing that I know I could never go through with any of the horrifying things I can imagine doing to relieve the pain. I'm just imagining a specific person with a rather large knife embedded in his eye socket while I drive my heel into his throat. I am so fucked up...

Poem: Muse

Muse by Scott Barnes
-=-=

I write these words to try,
to help me understand,
why I treat myself this way,
with my heart in my hand.

The pain is never ending,
The grief will stay with me,
In sadness I'm forgiven,
For what I can never be.

My muse is a sadist,
It feeds on my pain,
Only when hopeless,
Can I really explain.

I can never escape it,
I will always be,
Enslaved to the darkness,
My heart never free.

Through torment, through torture,
In fear, and in pain,
Forever this prison,
Will drive me insane.

I will not give up,
I will not give in,
The loneliness drives me,
Though I will never win.

Poem: Rubble

Rubble by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=

I fear I've fallen to pieces,
Lying cold and lonely on the floor,
Battered, broken, beaten down,
I fear I cannot take much more.

But with the rubble of my heart,
I'll build a brand new wall,
Stronger, better than before,
To protect me from it all.

This fortress of misery and lies,
Will protect me from the pain,
Built on broken oaths and vows,
Safe inside I shall remain.

Nightmares.

I very rarely have dreams I can remember. So why is it that lately I've been waking up remembering horrible nightmares? *sigh* At least it's a good indicator of the mood I'll be in. Too bad it's not a good mood. And of course most of these nightmares involve my ex and her boyfriend. I swear, I thought I was past this by now. Apparently my dreams aren't. Mostly the dreams involve them continuing to torture me and make me miserable, while I keep right on trying to be their friend. Because even in my dreams I'm a sucker. The worst thing about it is that the reality isn't that different, except that in reality it's mostly my own mind torturing me, and them just being selfish idiots. I swear, why do I have to be like this? I'm normally so good and the whole "forgive and forget" deal. I guess they managed to find something I can't forgive. So of course now I'm in a shitty mood, and that's not good since I've been having a mild manic episode lately, which makes emotional control rather difficult. On the plus side, it means this mood won't last long, since I mood swing a lot when I'm like this. (Yeah, still with the mood swings, it's a bitch...) At least I'm not as depressed as I have been, hopefully I won't lapse back into that too soon. Oh well, one good thing about it all, my life won't get too boring since my brain is a freakin' roller coaster. Well, I guess that's enough written introspection for now, back to just thinking it.

"Me"

I don't know if there is a real "me" anymore. I think I'm just a product of everything everyone tells me I should be. There is no "me", just a lot of faces with no meaning or depth. I'm turning into a hollow shell, waiting to be filled with whatever people tell me. I think I'm losing the will to be a real person anymore.

War.

So much conflict inside my head, and it's driving me mad. I've been mood swinging violently, and I'm not sure if it's ever going to end. There are just so many things racing through my head, battling for control, I feel like I'm just sitting by the wayside, trying to stay out of the crossfire between my feelings. Love versus hate, joy versus sadness, humility versus hubris, good versus evil. I'm not sure who's winning, but I have a sinking feeling that good is losing ground. I don't want to lose control, but that's very obviously where I seem to be headed. It's terrifying sometimes, how I can just completely lose myself, trapped so deep inside my own head that I'm not even me anymore, I'm just a lost voice screaming for freedom, chained in the back of my own mind, while all the darkest parts of my psyche take the reigns. All I can do is keep fighting it, but it's so hard sometimes. Sometimes I just want to give up, to let them win. *sigh*

Poem: Comfortable

Comfortable by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-=-=-

Sometimes I just can't live inside my skin,
Can't deal with all the demons in my mind,
Unstable and uncertain
bleeding breathless in this bed,
Losing and confusing
everything I am,
I'm just desperate to escape from my head.

Let me just slip out of my mind,
and into something more comfortable,
Then I'll be ready to live again.

Weighing heavy on my mind
are all the worries of this life,
Dragging heavy on my heart
are all the pains and sins,
Seeking clarity through confusion
is not the way to go,
But it's the path I follow now and then.

Live, love, learn, and grow,
get old, get tired, and die,
I just can't do it sometimes,
Struggling with these ties,

Binds that hold me to promises,
I never said I'd keep,
Lies of hopes and dreams and misses,
Now sinking in too deep.

Hate me like I hate myself,
or love me like I'm kin,
Bring me down and break me,
or save me from this sin,

No matter what you do just don't
leave me on my own,
You can't imagine what I will do
whenever I'm alone.

By myself I'm just a step away
from leaping off the ledge,
Breaking down and giving up,
Racing quickly over the edge.

Binds that hold me to promises,
I never said I'd keep,
Lies of hopes and dreams and misses,
Now sinking in too deep.

Hate me like I hate myself,
or love me like I'm kin,
Bring me down and break me,
or save me from this sin,

Let me just slip out of my mind,
and into something more comfortable,
Then I'll be ready to live again.

Friends.

I am so thankful for my friends. I'm much better than I was earlier thanks to Jennifer. I am so glad I have all the people in my life that support me through the hard times, and that show me the good times. Thank you all so much, I don't know what I'd do without you.

Confused.

I'm so scared... I've been crying, laughing, and feeling sick all day... It's not like I'm actually sick though, it's more like nausea from the constant mood swings... Nothing has even been happening today, I've been sitting here alone all day... I feel so worthless... I just want to die... I can't take it... Somebody help me...

Edit: I don't know why I wrote this, I should probably just delete it, but I don't want to.

Giggles.

I am very very happy all of a sudden. There is no reason for it, I'm just giggling uncontrollably and feeling very odd. I want to run around in circles and scream and laugh and fall to the ground and leap up and run around more. Somewhere, part of me wants to cry too, but I'm ignoring it. I wish I had something to do though, I want to enjoy this. I should be out with friends, having fun and loving life. I need to go shopping. I need new clothes, and I had some ideas for things I'd like to get for my friends. I miss my friends. I'm sitting here all alone and it's boring. Get me out of here!!! No really, I'm bored out of my mind, dadadada, going crazy. Something like that. Yeah. I'm not sure what I'm talking about anymore. Oh wait, I'm not talking, I'm typing. Hehehehehe. Breathing is funny. It makes me laugh sometimes. I guess it's not really that funny is it. Oh well, I don't care, it's awesome. I think I should stop this "stream-of-consciousness" writing now, my train of thought seems to be passing through a very strange land.

Bisexuality.

I've been thinking/worrying a lot lately about "coming out" to my parents. I know they aren't exactly open to the idea of homosexuality, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't really see any difference when it comes to being bisexual. I refuse to try to keep it a secret anymore, but I'm really worried about how they'll react when they find out. I've been reading a lot of other people's "coming out" stories, and it's given me a bit of hope that maybe they wouldn't take it that badly, but I'm still worried. I don't want them to completely freak out about it. I don't think they'd go as far as disowning me or anything, but I'm pretty sure they'd be extremely upset and/or angry. *sigh* But I know eventually it's going to come out/get back to them, and I'd prefer telling them myself over them hearing it from somewhere else, but I just can't bring myself to face that. So for now I guess I'll just keep avoiding the subject with them until I can work up the nerve to say it.