The best cat ever.

R.I.P. Bobbie
I'll miss you so much.

Overcome

I'm being crushed by the weight of everything... One of my medications has been really messing me up so I had to work myself off of it, I've been having seizures a lot lately, I've been having trouble at work, I've been having a lot of financial problems, my family has too, which might result in even more problems, some of my old problems have resurfaced from all the stress, and just a lot of other things... It's overwhelming.

Side effects.

Apparently, I stagger a lot now. It's a side effect of the Trileptal I think. Maybe the Lamictal. Or the Pristiq. I really don't know. But I've been told I stagger like I'm drunk. One person even thought I was drunk because of it. Luckily the lack of any other "drunk-like" effects makes it easy for people to realize I'm not. It really doesn't bother me too much, it's just kind of weird. Oh well.

Medication

My meds are making me feel disoriented and drugged up all the time... And I'm not sure I care anymore. Maybe it's better this way. At least it's better than all the pain, all the ups and downs, all the panic and worry and fear, all the reckless abandon and complete carelessness, maybe it's better than being crazy. They've been making me binge eat and sleep all the time, but maybe that's better than starving myself and never sleeping. Maybe this is all for the best. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm not sure I can form a coherent thought anymore. I don't know if I'm even making any sense. The words seem to transform as I read them. I'm so confused. I see my doctor soon, I'll talk to him about it. I don't know what's happening to me. I can't think anymore. I can barely feel anything but pain. So much pain. Why is there never a cure for the pain, but always a cure for the highs. There's a million ways to stop me from feeling amazing, but nothing to stop me from spiralling down into the depths of hell. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what any of this means. I'm just letting my hands type words without much thought. My brain hurts so much. I think it's dying. My thoughts are jumbled and broken, my memories are disorganized and random, my feelings are jaded and confusing, my senses are showing me things that aren't really there, and I can't seem to get back to what I consider "normal." I've gotten so disconnected that I can't even remember how I'm supposed to feel anymore. This strange foggy incomprehensible excuse for reality is all I've got, my memories are so clouded that it's like I've always been this way. I'm scared. I don't want my brain to die.

Depersonalization

Depersonalization is like your brain fracturing into many pieces, separated, partitioned off. The pieces can still communicate, but the messages are broken, disjointed, distant. You, the conscious, self-aware part of you, is lost in the back, a million miles away from your feelings, your senses, your memories. Reality becomes nothing more than a series of images, sounds, just distant sensations, not really your own. You've lost yourself in the void growing between the disconnected segments of your brain. All alone inside the back of your head with your muddled, chaotic thoughts, senseless and yet so profound, clarity in the madness of the nothingness you find yourself surrounded and fogged by. The illusion of existence that serves only to make you feel insane, to remind you that all you are experiencing is more than the dream it's become, yet you cannot feel it. The hazy messages from your senses make the world seem so phantasmal, so surreal. You go on with your routine, trying your best not to let your dementia show to those around you. The messages from your feelings come through, vague but discernible. Fear. Terror. Panic. You can't feel it, but you know. The horror of losing your mind. Losing yourself. The anxiety of worrying that others will know your insanity, lock you away. Eventually it passes, eventually the pieces rejoin and your mind is whole again. But the fear lingers.

If you've felt this, fear not. You are not going crazy, and you are not alone.

Sleep

is for the weak. And the tired. But not for me. Never for me. NEVER.

Scared.

I'm not comfortable writing about it on here much, but I'm really afraid of myself right now. Strange and terrifying things have been going on, nothing that has never happened before, but it's gotten more frequent and alarming. Sometimes I wonder if I really am just completely out of my mind.

Cynicism

My rose-colored glasses were run over by a bus, and I'm not sure where to get new ones. Plus they're probably pretty expensive. I guess for now I'll have to settle for the world being drawn in grays and blues.

Cycles

There is a fire in my heart, that starts from an ember,
and slowly grows, getting brighter and brighter, drawing

inspiration and beauty

to it, growing brighter, until the light is blinding.
Then, one day, it burns out,
leaving me once again

cold and alone

in the darkness.
I stumble, and eventually manage to relight one small ember,
and the cycle starts again.

Other times...

... I feel like I'm already dead.

Sometimes...

... I just want to die.

Sleep cycles

I'll never understand it... Sometimes for weeks on end I can sleep normally and be horribly tired, then other times for a week or two I'll only sleep like an hour or two a night and still be energetic and awake and ready for anything. This past week has most definitely been the latter. It's insanity. Plain and simple. God bless bipolar disorder. :-P

Pride '08 in DC

That was so awesome! The parade was amazing, and the festival was pretty cool. Didn't walk around too much at the festival because we were tired, but the performances at the main stage were great. I cheered at the top of my lungs for the Bloom float in the parade. :)

Distant.

I feel so detached. Nothing is real right now, and I don't know why. It's very unsettling. I hate this feeling... It's like I'm stuck in a horrible nightmare. I'm not even sure if any of this is really happening right now. I think it is, but it doesn't feel like it. I wish there was some way to make it stop, to reconnect and make things feel real again. At least to feel like I'm real again. *sigh*

And back again.

That was odd. I was really down yesterday morning and got better later, and now I'm back to feeling pretty good. Crazy mood swings. :)

...

The world is a dark, horrible place.

Wheeee!

I'm in a super-ultra-awesome-tastic mood right now and I don't even know why but it's soooooo great I love everything and I just wish I could dance around and sing and throw my arms around someone and make them dance with me and show them how amazingly awesome everything is oh my god it's so wonderful I just want to scream at the top of my lungs how much I love everybody and yay! :) I think it's probably the Adderall and massive quantities of caffeine talking but everything is so shiny and beautiful and incredible!

Rain.

I love the rain. So many times I've found myself hiding outside somewhere, crying my eyes out, and it'll start to rain, and for just a second it'll make me feel better. For just a second I'll feel like the sky is sympathizing with me, crying for me. I know that sounds pathetic, but sometimes it's all I have.

Boredom.

God I need somewhere to go, something to do, someone to talk to, anything. I'm going to go fucking insane if I sit here any longer. I can't take it. I know I'm going out soon, but I don't want to wait, it's driving me nuts. Gah. It's not as bad as it was before I got back on Adderall, but it's still really bad. I definitely need to talk to the doctor about increasing my dosage.

ADD: An odd little story.

There's a button in my brain, labeled "reality."
If I hold it I can see and hear and feel these things around me.
But the moment I let go I get so lost inside my head.
And that button is just so hard to press.
There's this oil I can put on the button called "medication."
It makes it easier to push, but I still have hold it down,
or it pops right back out, and lost I am again.
I get so tired of holding that button.

Hate.

The world is a pile of rot and decay. All life is based on opportunistic destruction. Profiting from the death of other living things. Happiness is not created, it's stolen. We all kill everything around us in the pathetic hopes of delaying our own inevitable demise. I can't stand it. Just waiting my turn die. Surviving off the suffering and death of other living things. Surviving through destroying this world piece by piece. I used to wish I could save the world. Now I can only hope that when this universe falls into oblivion it will be replaced by one less dark. One where creation outweighs destruction. But I'll never see such a place.

New meds

Well, I went to my new psych for the first time today, I'm back on meds. He gave me Trileptal and Adderall XR. Hopefully it'll help. I'm a little apprehensive about the Trileptal, but I'll give it a try. The Adderall XR I'm a little unsure about, it's a much lower dose than the normal Adderall I used to be on. Oh well. Hopefully it'll work. I guess I'll know tomorrow when I take it. As for the Trileptal, to start really working it takes like five days, so I won't know for a while. My next appointment is in a month, I should know before then if it's working luckily, so if it doesn't I can try something else. Ah, back to being a crazy person on behavioral meds. I'm already dreading the onslaught of "did you forget your pills?" whenever I do something weird.

Strange...

This day has been strange. It's been (mostly) a really good day. Work was actually fun, we did all kinds of weird fun stuff for the company's anniversary. Plus I got my new room mostly set up, it's pretty nice. Other than the news I got about my friend Lauren, it's been a really good day. But for some reason I feel bad about it. There's something wrong. This day shouldn't be. It's almost like I feel guilty for being okay. I guess it's not so much guilt, as it feels like a lie. Like by having a good day I'm betraying myself. I'm not supposed to have good days. I'm supposed to be miserable. I get like this a lot when I'm coming out my depression, this weird feeling like I don't want to let it go, like I want to be depressed again. I really wish I could figure out why I do this to myself and how to stop.

Poem: Mirror

Mirror by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=
Who the hell are you?
Why won't you leave me alone?
I'm so tired of your face.
Every time I look, there you are.
Every pool, every puddle
Every plate on metal,
In every mirror I find you.
I hate you.

Congestion.

I need a new outlet. My creativity is being stifled by my inability to express it adequately. All these ideas and feelings piling up, consuming my mind, because I can't find the right way to get them out. It's driving me insane... I need a change. I need new inspiration to feed these ideas, so they won't become so singularly themed. I need a lot of things, but mostly I need to something new. Something different. A new muse, and a new outlet. I need to get this out of my head so I can actually think again. So every moment of every day can be more than a vague sense of life fogged over, obscured, by a million points of darkness and light, like static inside my brain, a veil of thoughts and feelings carefully separating me from reality. So I can be part of this world, not just an observer. So I can feel real again. That or I need to be able to totally disconnect, to stop worrying myself sick about everyone and everything else so I can work myself out of this slump. So I can clear the noise. So I can lift this mist from my senses and live again. Or at least so someone can understand that my world is more than just what exists, what we see and hear and feel... So someone else can enter my world and see the things I've seen. Feel what I've felt. So someone can understand me. I feel so isolated, and it's my own fault. I can't escape it, my own little internal hell. It's more real to me than the "real" world. I'm tired of being lost in it. I need to find my way back to the land of the living. I need to get back to reality and find a way to show people the world I've seen. The place that lives inside my head. It's tearing me apart.

I am nothing.

I don't exist.

Lost.

I really wish I could see someone right now. I hate this. I'm sitting here, completely alone, with all the dark thoughts I try so hard to fight closing in on me and I have no way out. My own mind is trying to kill me, I swear. It hates me. It tortures me. The little voices telling me I'm stupid and I'm worthless and no one will ever care about me. Even though I know people do care it just gets so hard to ignore that little voice that makes me feel worthless. That voice that says everyone else would be better off if I was dead. And it scares me because sometimes it makes sense. Sometimes I start to believe it. I just don't know what I can do anymore...

Randomness.

So I randomly decided to cut my bangs. I think it looks kinda good. I cut them a little too short but it's okay. It's really a non-event, not worth writing about, but I felt like posting something and it's the only thing I could think of that I'm willing to write about. Oh, and I'm going back to the doctor, hopefully soon. I've already started the process, I just have to wait for an actual appointment at this point. I guess it's a good thing. I'm still really hesitant about taking medication, but apparently I need it more than I realize, according to everyone else. *sigh* I know I need the help, but I still don't have to like it. It's okay though, I guess I'll get used to it eventually. My sister's dog passed away too. I'm trying not to think about it too much. Oh, and I got a bunch of new shirts and some new shoes. It's nice to update my style occasionally. I'm not looking forward to summer though. It's gonna be really hot. Oh well, maybe I'll sweat off a few pounds. I tried that B12 dietary supplement stuff today, it made me kinda tired. It made everyone else hyper. Story of my life I suppose, if it gets everyone else going it won't do crap for me. It's okay though. I'm in an oddly serene mood at the moment. It's kinda nice after all the intense mood swings lately. I know it won't last but at least I know I'm still occasionally capable of calmness. I normally put up a calm front to hide whatever intense mood swings I'm going through, but for once I'm actually somewhat peaceful. It's a really odd sensation. I wonder what kind of medication I'll end up on this time. I think I'm going to get them to re-evaluate me too, I have reason to believe bipolar disorder may not be my sole problem, plus I think they might have me diagnosed as the wrong type of bipolar. Who knows, I try not to self-diagnose. Incidentally, I think my theme song at the moment is "Sleep" by My Chemical Romance. It's a pretty accurate depiction of how I've felt for quite a while now. Speaking of sleep, I hope I can actually sleep decently tonight. It's been at least a week since the last real sleep I've gotten. I've been waking up every hour or so all night from horrible nightmares. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I'm asleep or not. I hate not being able to sleep decently, I start disconnecting from myself. Everything is like snapshots, bits and pieces of perception, interrupted and delayed. Oh well, maybe the doctors will give me something to help that too. *sigh*

Emo.

Well shit. Looking over everything I've written here and in my actual journal, I feel so emo. When did this happen? When did I turn into the pathetic loser the rest of the world laughs at? I guess I always have been, it just sucks realizing that some things never change.

Losing it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. After that last post I spent an hour crying my eyes out. I just don't know. I can't even keep up with my feelings any more. I'm so confused. I wish I could just stabilize for once. I wish I didn't keep jumping from one deep end to another. Why can't my emotions ever just hit a middle ground, even for a little while. It's all love or hate, depression or euphoria, anger or sadness, there's no medium. I really don't know how much more I can take.

Fuck.

I fucking hate everything. I don't even know why. I just really want to fucking break shit. I want to pick up my goddamn lamp and chuck it through the fucking window. I want to slam my fucking head into the mirror until it shatters into little pieces. I want to go get a sledgehammer and smash everything in sight. I want the world to feel broken like me. I want to wreck everything, I want to ruin everything. I want to just fucking leave a trail of destruction in my wake and kill anything that stands in my way. I hate this fucking universe. Luckily I won't do any of this because instead I'll resort to destroying the only thing that has ever truly been mine, just like I always do. Sometimes I wish I'd get up the fucking nerve to just let this shit out on the rest of the world instead of always destroying myself. No, really I just wish I could stop feeling like this. What the hell is wrong with me... I was fine earlier today. Yesterday I could barely get up, I just felt so lost, by night I was fine and perfectly happy, ecstatic even. This morning I was happy, it was a good morning, I had some interesting conversations and a lot of fun. By four in the afternoon I was desperately lonely and miserable, by seven I started feeling like I do now. What the hell... I wish my brain would shut the fuck up, all the goddamn thoughts and noise are driving me insane. I need a release. I need help. I want this shit to stop, forever. Can't anything just make all the noise go away? It never ends, I can't even keep my mind straight, it's just a barrage of shit inside my head, torturing me. Why won't it go away? I can't keep fucking doing this. I can't live like this. I don't even want to live, not because I'm depressed but just because it seems like the only way to make all this go away. Fuck it, I hate my fucking brain. I hate everything.

Screw it.

Why the hell does everyone think they know who I should be? Why can't anyone just accept me for who I am? Yes I have my problems, but that doesn't give everyone the right to tell me I'm wrong. I really just don't give a shit what anyone thinks anymore. You know what? Yes, I fucking hurt myself. I admit it. And no, I don't think it's horrible and wrong. And I really don't give a shit if you do. I wish everyone would just leave me the fuck alone about it. I'm not trying to kill myself, I'm actually rather careful about it. It just helps me get by. It's my skin to destroy if I want to, and if that upsets you, too bad. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I've spent my whole goddamn life apologizing for every fucking little thing I do because someone will inevitably tell me it upsets them or hurts them or whatever, but not this time. I refuse to apologize for coping. I refuse to apologize for doing what I need to do to keep sane. I'm not sorry. I really wish I didn't have to sound so belligerent about this, so uncaring, but I can't help it. Because when it comes right down to it, I don't care. It's my life. If you can't accept me as I am, then don't. I refuse to keep trying to accommodate everyone but myself. I'm a cutter. Deal with it.

Meh.

I'm so lost. I just feel like my entire life is hopeless, pathetic, useless. I'm so weak. I'm ashamed of everything about myself, especially the sorry, worthless way I handle things. I can't deal with anything, all I can ever do is try to run away, and it never works. One day my lamentable attempts to cope will destroy me, and I'm almost waiting for it. It's just too much, I can't take it. Everyone else survives it perfectly fine, I know, but I just can't. I'm broken, damaged, a complete failure as a human being. I don't understand how people carry on like this, yet I'm falling apart. It's not like I have such a horrible life, people deal with far worse than I do and make it, why am I so feeble that I can't deal with anything? People would be better off if they'd just accept how pitiful and inferior I am and leave me to die. Don't misunderstand me, I don't want to die. I just don't think I deserve life. I should never have existed in the first place. I'm defective, a waste of flesh. Why anyone even cares, I can't even begin to understand. I just wish everyone knew how profoundly sorry I am for wasting their time by being.

I don't know anymore.

I don't know how to go on. Everyone thinks I need medication. I know they're right. But I don't want to, I hate it. It makes me feel like I'm not me anymore. I don't want to depend on pills just to keep myself from feeling these things, no matter how much it destroys me. I just want to be me, why the hell do I have to be this way? Why can't I just be okay, and not need anything to alter my mind to keep me from slipping like this? I guess I deserve it, I'm a horrible worthless excuse for a human being anyway. I don't deserve to exist, I should just let the doctors stick me on whatever they decide to and take away everything I am, so maybe whatever is left will be worthy of living. But I don't want to. It's like it kills a part of me. I know it would make me better, but is it worth losing myself? I just don't know anymore... Sometimes I just wish I was dead so none of this would matter anymore.

Dreaming in red.

Sometimes, I just don't know about myself. I look back on the the things I've said and done and can't believe it was me. How did I ever think things were okay? What made me think anything was getting better? Everything is so bleak, yet the grayness is oddly soothing. I just want something beautiful, something real, to break this spirit I'm falling into. The world seemed so magical, so amazing just days ago. Where did it go? Why has it abandoned me? I just want to feel like this means something again. I'm starting to hit that old, familiar feeling, like I'm just going through the motions, numb and listless, half-heartedly pretending to enjoy things so people won't hate me for bringing them down. It's just not worth explaining it anymore, it's better to just fake it than have to try to talk about it sometimes. Everyone wants to know why and just can't accept the fact that I don't even know what's wrong. This feeling comes and goes, but I just can't shake it for long. Everyone wants to fix it, but I don't want them to fix it, I just want them to understand. I deserve it, it's my punishment, my burden to bear, and I'm fine with that. Let me die in pain like I should. Stop trying to make me something I'm not. I'm never going to just be "okay". I just wish I had people I could talk to about it without them trying to tell me I'm fucked up and I need help. That I need to change. That being what I am is wrong somehow. Just let me deal with it the best way I know how, and listen when I need to talk. I wish someone could just be there and not always try to fix me when I'm broken. I can fix myself, in my own way. Just let me be me.

Lovely.

I love everything. How did everything get so beautiful and amazing all of a sudden? I'm not sure, but I love it. I feel amazing, I've been enjoying life so much. Even work was fun today! Everyone has been so amazing to me lately, it's like life said "hey, give him a break." *grin* I'm bouncy and happy and excited and everything is awesome. Go me! This has just been an amazing past week. Everything has been awesome and amazing and wonderful and I just love it soooooo much! I've gotten to see my friends, play games, have fun, and even though I do that stuff normally anyway, it's just been so awesome. Plus I've gotten to hang out with Rachel and Lauren, which I missed. And I've just felt so much more amazing and cute and sure of myself. It's incredible, I'm so glad this year is looking up so far. *grin*

Invincible

That's how I feel right now. I am impervious, indestructible, and incredible. I'm still manic I think, but either way this is the greatest I've felt in a long time. It's been a long time since I've been so... unafraid. I can do anything, and nothing can stop me. I love everything so much. :)