New Years

*sigh* I don't even know where to start. This New Year's Eve is horrible. I just want this year to be over, I just want to let it all go and get over it. I just want things to get better. I want to be alive again. I wanted to hang out with Eric or Rachel tonight, but it didn't turn out that way. Instead I'm at home writing this. At least I'm alive, sort of. I haven't really been alive in a long time. *sigh* I need an escape. I miss when I used to be surrounded by friends this time of year. I miss when I looked forward to New Years Eve. Now I'm not even sure I want to live to see next year. Part of me really just wants to wait till midnight then end it. I won't do it, but the thought has been crossing my mind all night. It just sucks, I didn't want to start the year alone and miserable. Sad part is I'm not even particularly depressed, I'm just tired of trying. I just want to live without everything I build up getting torn down. Without everything I love being destroyed. Without all my hopes and dreams being ripped from me. Without this feeling inside me, the feeling that pain is starting to be my only pleasure in life. This feeling like I've learned to love being hurt. Because at least pain never disappoints me. At least I can't fail at suffering. I'm just tired of life sometimes.

Narcissism

What the hell is with me today? I've been mostly depressed and worried for days, and today, despite still being depressed, I feel like I'm freakin' gorgeous. I mean really, just so amazingly cute. I feel so narcissistic. It's a really odd feeling, but I almost wish I was someone else just so I could make out with me :) God I sound egotistical. Oh well, it'll pass. For right now I'll just enjoy the sudden random bout of self-esteem from thinking I'm a sexy guy, since by tomorrow I'll probably be back to feeling ugly.

I hate mood swings, anxiety, and panic attacks.

The subject says it all. The past week has been filled with constant mood swings, horrible anxiety and fear, stress from all the emotional swaying, and a couple of severe panic attacks, most recently this morning at work. It was one of the worst I've had in a while, after it stopped it took me a minute to even remember where I was, I was just so overwhelmed. I'm still a bit shaken up from it. Honestly, the last time I had a panic attack that bad was about 6 months ago. I'm not sure why I had it either, I was perfectly fine last night, and nothing happened this morning to set it off either. It just kind of happened. The ones that just happen like that always scare me the most. Just thinking about it is giving me shivers.

Moody

I hate this time of year. I used to love it, but I'm finding this year I'm just reminded of where I stood this time last year and I hate it. I don't even want to think about it anymore. I'm a different person, and that was a different lifetime. I want to just forget it all, start over. Never think about who I used to be, what I used to be, ever again. I've changed, my entire perspective has changed, my entire situation has changed. Everything from back then is dead and gone, buried, and I never want to be reminded of it. I want to just forget about it forever, never look back. *sigh*

Oh wow

I think I've finally realized that all those people that claim I'm attractive are telling the truth. Or maybe it's just because I'm having one of those days where I'm just in love with myself. Not literally mind you, I'm not like a narcissist or anything. I just mean I actually really like who I am right now, and I feel amazing. Now I just need to get out of the house so I can make use of this incredible mood. I feel a bit arrogant thinking about myself like this but seriously how do I not normally realize how awesome I am? Normally I don't like myself, at all, but now I see why everyone else tells me I'm too hard on myself. I kick ass. I wish I didn't already know this feeling isn't going to last, but oh well. At least for now I feel like an astoundingly wonderful person, it's a nice change of pace.

A gentle repose

Like a corpse, I lie still and silent. Sadly, this is only in my dreams. In reality I lay awake, restless, wondering, hoping, screaming out for a break in this diseased madness we call life. I need a reason to hope again, a reason to dream again, a reason to breath again. Bring me back from the dead, so I may once again walk among the living, so I may grow and learn and dream of a life not broken. A life not shattered by the still-bleeding lacerations on my wounded and dying body. A life not torn apart by fear and uncertainty, by a morbid lust for the release of red pooling on my skin. Save me from myself, for I fear I cannot continue on my own. This man was not meant to be, this soul was not created for a life such as this. Revive me before I decompose further. I am lost, but if only you would find me there could still be a way out. I am dead, but your tears could return life to this carcass. I am nothing, but your love could create something from this void. I know not who you are, but I am waiting.

Complicated

Why is everything always so complicated? Life has been weird lately. To top it off, I've started into a depressed episode, so right now I don't even feel like I'm alive at all. Existence is so hard sometimes. Sometimes I just wish I didn't exist. But I just have to remind myself that no matter what comes, I just need to press on and do my best to make the world a better place for everyone. I just wish it wasn't so hard to bring myself to do anything when I get like this. *sigh*

Energy

I feel like running in circles around my house. I want to dance and sing and hug people and spin in circles and bounce around like a crazy person. I have so much energy today and I need something to do with it! Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Oddity

I've noticed something strange. Every career aptitude test, personality test with career suggestions, and career suggestions based on astrology or anything like that, all of them agree that my ideal career would be counselor, psychologist, or priest. Kinda cool considering I've given serious thought to becoming a counselor or psychologist.

Party

That was great. Went to a Halloween party last night, where a few of us got the great idea to fake someone's death. Long story short, we almost convinced the rest of the people at the party that I'd been hit by a car. It was so awesome, and I'm still red from all the fake blood. That's going to be fun to explain to my coworkers tomorrow. :)

Manic

Okay, I've definitely been manic for a couple of days now. I've barely been able to sleep, I've been eating more than usual, and the way I've been feeling can only be described as "indestructible". I really need to remind myself not to drink when I'm like this, even though it does give me an excuse for my behavior that doesn't require telling people that I'm manic. People just assume I'm drunk instead. Unfortunately having that excuse isn't always good since not wanting to tell people I'm manic can help me control myself sometimes. But it's so much fun. I just know by the time this is over I'm going to have pissed someone off.

!!!!!! :)

It's 4am, I'm wired, happy, singing, and just generally awesome and excited. Weeeeeeeee! I had a weird dream. In it, a bunch of people including Cathi, Jade, and myself were staying at a haunted mansion, and to make a long story short I fought off the evil-spirit-demon-thing (which was invisible) with a katana that for some reason I just happened to have with me. It was pretty nifty, and made me feel very good about myself. I want that katana in real life though, it was awesome. :)

Confusion

I hate it when this happens. I've been randomly giggling or crying all day, but not because I've been happy or sad. As in, I'll just be sitting there doing something and tears will start pouring out, even though I'm not upset. Or likewise I'll start giggling for no reason. I can't help but wonder what the hell causes that. It doesn't seem like a bipolar symptom, though I guess it could be. It usually happens just before I have an episode, so there's probably some connection there.

Tarot is fun

Wow, I got a tarot reading, and my "core cards", the ones the represent the fundamental aspects of who I am, are "The Lovers" and "The Fool". So once again I'm just being told that I'm a hopeless romantic. It's slightly odd that pretty much everything that's supposed to determine personality traits, regardless of validity, ends up telling me that.

Self-help

I'm beginning to wonder if there is any hope for me living without medication. I've been managing for these past several months, but I wonder if it's worth it. I just don't like things messing with my mind, it's messed up enough as it is, and I don't want to spend years finding the "right" combination of pills just to function. I wish there was a good therapist I could see around here, but unfortunately I've yet to find one that wouldn't just tell me to get back on the pills. *sigh* Then again, the medication wasn't working before, and from everything I've read there's a VERY high chance that the pills won't ever work, because of how quickly my episodes cycle.

Up, up and no where to go.

I'm in a very good mood today. Jennifer got herself a new job, which is awesome and a great relief for her, which in turn means I'm less worried. Matt got a job back at Bloom too, so that's more good news. My day has been pretty good, and things are pretty calm right now. Now I just wish I had something fun to do with my time. Not that sitting here singing isn't fun, just I wish I was out with friends. Oh well, still nice to be in a good mood.

Poem: Knight

Knight by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=

I'd love to be your knight in shining armor,
But I'm afraid my breastplate's rusted,
My sword and shield broken to pieces,
In a battle with a demon disguised as a damsel.

I'm not perfect, lacking in luster and shean,
But if you would look past the scars,
Underneath still beats the heart of a hero,
Waiting for his happily ever after.

Relief

Wow, this is an odd realization. My post, "Well Well" didn't sound at all how I'd meant it. I hadn't reread it until it was mentioned to me, but yeah, wow. I know why it sounded so much more negative than I'd intended though. I was really worried, because the last time someone was interested in me then said "let's just be friends first", they stopped even speaking to me. I didn't think that was the case here, and it's not, but apparently it worried me more than I'd known. So yeah, that post was supposed to be more upbeat, as the whole "friends first" is actually a good thing to me. Of course, the only person that really needed to know that I've already explained it to, but just so when I'm rereading this blog I'll have this clarification in here.

Birthday

*sigh* If I could drive, I would go out and buy myself a cupcake and party hat, put on the hat, stick a candle in the cupcake, light it, blow out the candle and wish to not be alone anymore. Maybe I'd buy myself a present too. At least it would be something.

Another one down

I'm 25 today. I remember when birthdays were happy and fun. This one is worthless. I'm sitting around alone, with nothing to do, and the only people that have said happy birthday to me today are a few people on MySpace and my mom. No calls, no visits, no one asking if I'm doing anything, no body really cares how I am today. I'm just sitting around thinking about all the time lost, and wondering if things are ever going to get better, if I'm ever going to feel like anything is worth it. I failed the driving test this morning, because I'm a nervous wreck all the time. Even if I passed it I don't know that I'd trust myself driving. Not that it even matters, it's not like I'd ever have anywhere to go. I don't want to sound like an attention whore, but I used to love the fact that my birthday meant people would actually gather around and show that they actually had some interest in me. Now I feel like I'd have to run around screaming just to get someone to notice me. I really didn't want to be alone today.

Well well.

As to my last post, regarding the healthiness of trying to stay happy by thinking about how well things were going with Cathi and I, turns out yes, unhealthy. We're going to just be friends, at least for now. It's okay though, I can perfectly well understand, and honestly it made me realize I'm probably not ready for an actual relationship right now anyway. *sigh* I need to figure out some way to change the way I am, or at least a way to use my strengths, instead of constantly having to play against them. Unfortunately, the things that make use of my talents aren't viable ways to make a living.

Real life should leave me alone

I'm disappointed in myself for not getting my license yet. I was determined to have it before my birthday, and now that's not going to happen. *sigh* Plus I've been under a lot of stress at work because one of the managers and the new office girl are both looking for excuses to get me in trouble. Add to that my financial situation, and the fact that I need to find some professional assistance in treating my condition. I've been at home all day today, which always gets me thinking too much and criticizing myself, so all these things have been bearing down on my mind today. I refuse to let myself slip down though, because I need to stay focused on improving the situation. While I suppose the healthiness of it is debatable, I've managed to keep myself from getting down by reminding myself that things have been going very well with Cathi and I, which makes me happy. I wish I could stop taking life so seriously. I really need to spend more time doing more physical things, to help me be less caught up in my thoughts. That and I need to get back into school and start taking more creative classes, like art or drama. I think that would help me a lot, and I really want to learn more ways of expressing my creativity.

Amazed

Cathi and I went out again yesterday. She is so incredible, that was easily one of the best days of my life. We went to see Resident Evil: Extinction, which was good in it's own B-movie way. Then we got lunch at Ruby Tuesday's, and climbed the rocks over on River Road a bit. I haven't climbed since I was little, it was so much fun. We talked, joked around, had some romantic moments, it was great.

Swooning

Last night was a lot of fun, and the start of something amazing. Cathi is wonderful, and really cute. :)

My state of being

My current state of mind is defined very well by the Jimmy Eat World song, "A Praise Chorus". Listen to it :)

Birthdays

Just one of the many reasons I love October. So many birthdays to celebrate. So far, it was my mom's on the 6th, it was also my friend Bob's on the 6th, then it was my friend Adam's on the 8th, and one of coworkers, Ashley, her birthday was also the 8th. Still coming up are many more, including mine. Go Go Libra! Hehe. Oh wow, now that I think about it my birthday is only a week from today! And Cathi's is one day earlier. And my sister's is three days after. Wow, that really snuck up on me.

Up, up, and away

Happy to report my recent depressed spell seems to be coming to a close, and things are starting to look brighter again. This past year has been hell, but I'm starting to really believe that things are getting better, and that I'll be able to better control the bipolar disorder eventually, after all I'm still learning more about it, and I've made impressive progress considering that I've been mostly unable to get any decent professional help. And all the other problems are starting to be resolved as well, and I think once all of this is done I will be a stronger, better person for it. In short, bring it on world, I'm ready.

A little thing from Blogthings

Saw this on my new friend's MySpace page and thought is was interesting.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Disillusioned.

Nothing feels real anymore. My life has become an illusion, devoid of meaning or substance. Maybe it's not life, maybe it's me. Perhaps I have become so confused and jaded that I'm not even myself anymore. It's an odd feeling, like I'm not really a part of things, not even a part of myself, like I'm some foreign entity silently observing the decline of a pathetic, worthless human being. I've always had a lot of times that I've felt this way, but lately it's been almost constant. I'm not even faking it well anymore, people have started to notice my total disengagement from my surroundings, and myself. I'm not sure what makes this happen, but I just desperately want something to feel real again. I'm starting to forget what "real" feels like, and it's really scaring me. I don't want to end up like this forever, I'm terrified that I'll never be able to bring myself back to reality, that I'll slip further and further into my head and never escape, that I'll become nothing, an empty shell. All I want is to curl up in a little ball and cry. I just want someone to tell it's all going to be okay, and really mean it. I just want something to give me some hope, something to cling to, something to anchor me so I won't drift further and further into this nightmare. I want to be okay again, it feels like it's been forever since I've really felt right. Please, just make this all go away.

Back to okay

Well, I've managed to reach an okay state of mind now, mostly thanks to Rachel even though she doesn't know it. My friends are great. All these posts today are mostly so I'll have a record of just how wildly my mood changes sometimes. While I was at work, for the first couple hours I was horribly depressed, after that I was pissed off for no apparent reason for a while, then I saw Rachel and talking to her got me to smile and brought my mood back up to okay. That's one of the reasons I love being with my friends, they have this amazing knack for fixing my mood without even knowing it.

Numbness

Fuck it all. I don't even care anymore. I give up. The world can save itself, I'm through. Love can bite my ass. I don't want anything to do with any of it. I just want to find a way to forget I exist. Everything can just go the fuck to hell, I'm sick and tired of all this bullshit. I hate everything.

Crying

I hate crying. At least I hate crying for no reason. It's so frustrating when I can't stop crying but I don't even know why I'm crying to begin with. God I hate being so unstable. Hopefully I'll be better by the time I go to work, but it doesn't look likely since I've only got three hours. *sigh* I need help.

I hate mood swings

Well isn't this fun, I've been pissed off, happy, depressed, back to angry, and now just horribly bitter. God I love being bipolar. *grumble* I hope this doesn't keep up all day, this sucks. I really need to just not associate with my ex anymore, her and her boyfriend are such complete assholes. Seriously, they're self-absorbed hateful idiots, I don't know why I still try to be nice to them. No, I take that back, I know exactly why. I didn't want the rest of my friends that have been friends with them to have to "pick a side". If only the two of them could at least try to be civil this wouldn't be such a problem, but they're both to caught up in themselves to care about things like that, so honestly I need to just say fuck it and tell them I never want to see them again. I hate saying that, because it feels like just avoiding the problem, but I know those two idiots will never be willing to work through it with me, so this is pretty much the only way. Why the hell do they have to be so stupid?

On the edge.

I'm a little on edge today. Maybe I'm just in that kind of mood today, or maybe the combination of a lot of things has finally gotten to me, I'm not sure. But either way I'm about to fucking lose it. Damn it, I fucking hate this shit. Now is the time when I think over the very short mental list of people that have ever truly pissed me off and remind myself that violence never solved anything. But god damn there's a few people that need the hell beaten out of them right now. I swear if I saw those people right now I don't think I could resist the urge to kick the living shit out of them. I don't get like this often, and I know myself too well to think I'd ever actually do it, but god damn it would feel good to make them bleed. Like I said, I honestly don't know why I'm like this today, but rest assured I know I wouldn't actually do anything like that. Just dreaming of burning a certain someone's house down with them still inside. God damn it. I hate feeling like this. I just have a lot of fucking unresolved issues, and I'm probably having an episode, and certain people just need to fucking die. Fuck it all. It's probably a good thing that I know I could never go through with any of the horrifying things I can imagine doing to relieve the pain. I'm just imagining a specific person with a rather large knife embedded in his eye socket while I drive my heel into his throat. I am so fucked up...

Poem: Muse

Muse by Scott Barnes
-=-=

I write these words to try,
to help me understand,
why I treat myself this way,
with my heart in my hand.

The pain is never ending,
The grief will stay with me,
In sadness I'm forgiven,
For what I can never be.

My muse is a sadist,
It feeds on my pain,
Only when hopeless,
Can I really explain.

I can never escape it,
I will always be,
Enslaved to the darkness,
My heart never free.

Through torment, through torture,
In fear, and in pain,
Forever this prison,
Will drive me insane.

I will not give up,
I will not give in,
The loneliness drives me,
Though I will never win.

Poem: Rubble

Rubble by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=

I fear I've fallen to pieces,
Lying cold and lonely on the floor,
Battered, broken, beaten down,
I fear I cannot take much more.

But with the rubble of my heart,
I'll build a brand new wall,
Stronger, better than before,
To protect me from it all.

This fortress of misery and lies,
Will protect me from the pain,
Built on broken oaths and vows,
Safe inside I shall remain.

Nightmares.

I very rarely have dreams I can remember. So why is it that lately I've been waking up remembering horrible nightmares? *sigh* At least it's a good indicator of the mood I'll be in. Too bad it's not a good mood. And of course most of these nightmares involve my ex and her boyfriend. I swear, I thought I was past this by now. Apparently my dreams aren't. Mostly the dreams involve them continuing to torture me and make me miserable, while I keep right on trying to be their friend. Because even in my dreams I'm a sucker. The worst thing about it is that the reality isn't that different, except that in reality it's mostly my own mind torturing me, and them just being selfish idiots. I swear, why do I have to be like this? I'm normally so good and the whole "forgive and forget" deal. I guess they managed to find something I can't forgive. So of course now I'm in a shitty mood, and that's not good since I've been having a mild manic episode lately, which makes emotional control rather difficult. On the plus side, it means this mood won't last long, since I mood swing a lot when I'm like this. (Yeah, still with the mood swings, it's a bitch...) At least I'm not as depressed as I have been, hopefully I won't lapse back into that too soon. Oh well, one good thing about it all, my life won't get too boring since my brain is a freakin' roller coaster. Well, I guess that's enough written introspection for now, back to just thinking it.

"Me"

I don't know if there is a real "me" anymore. I think I'm just a product of everything everyone tells me I should be. There is no "me", just a lot of faces with no meaning or depth. I'm turning into a hollow shell, waiting to be filled with whatever people tell me. I think I'm losing the will to be a real person anymore.

War.

So much conflict inside my head, and it's driving me mad. I've been mood swinging violently, and I'm not sure if it's ever going to end. There are just so many things racing through my head, battling for control, I feel like I'm just sitting by the wayside, trying to stay out of the crossfire between my feelings. Love versus hate, joy versus sadness, humility versus hubris, good versus evil. I'm not sure who's winning, but I have a sinking feeling that good is losing ground. I don't want to lose control, but that's very obviously where I seem to be headed. It's terrifying sometimes, how I can just completely lose myself, trapped so deep inside my own head that I'm not even me anymore, I'm just a lost voice screaming for freedom, chained in the back of my own mind, while all the darkest parts of my psyche take the reigns. All I can do is keep fighting it, but it's so hard sometimes. Sometimes I just want to give up, to let them win. *sigh*

Poem: Comfortable

Comfortable by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-=-=-

Sometimes I just can't live inside my skin,
Can't deal with all the demons in my mind,
Unstable and uncertain
bleeding breathless in this bed,
Losing and confusing
everything I am,
I'm just desperate to escape from my head.

Let me just slip out of my mind,
and into something more comfortable,
Then I'll be ready to live again.

Weighing heavy on my mind
are all the worries of this life,
Dragging heavy on my heart
are all the pains and sins,
Seeking clarity through confusion
is not the way to go,
But it's the path I follow now and then.

Live, love, learn, and grow,
get old, get tired, and die,
I just can't do it sometimes,
Struggling with these ties,

Binds that hold me to promises,
I never said I'd keep,
Lies of hopes and dreams and misses,
Now sinking in too deep.

Hate me like I hate myself,
or love me like I'm kin,
Bring me down and break me,
or save me from this sin,

No matter what you do just don't
leave me on my own,
You can't imagine what I will do
whenever I'm alone.

By myself I'm just a step away
from leaping off the ledge,
Breaking down and giving up,
Racing quickly over the edge.

Binds that hold me to promises,
I never said I'd keep,
Lies of hopes and dreams and misses,
Now sinking in too deep.

Hate me like I hate myself,
or love me like I'm kin,
Bring me down and break me,
or save me from this sin,

Let me just slip out of my mind,
and into something more comfortable,
Then I'll be ready to live again.

Friends.

I am so thankful for my friends. I'm much better than I was earlier thanks to Jennifer. I am so glad I have all the people in my life that support me through the hard times, and that show me the good times. Thank you all so much, I don't know what I'd do without you.

Confused.

I'm so scared... I've been crying, laughing, and feeling sick all day... It's not like I'm actually sick though, it's more like nausea from the constant mood swings... Nothing has even been happening today, I've been sitting here alone all day... I feel so worthless... I just want to die... I can't take it... Somebody help me...

Edit: I don't know why I wrote this, I should probably just delete it, but I don't want to.

Giggles.

I am very very happy all of a sudden. There is no reason for it, I'm just giggling uncontrollably and feeling very odd. I want to run around in circles and scream and laugh and fall to the ground and leap up and run around more. Somewhere, part of me wants to cry too, but I'm ignoring it. I wish I had something to do though, I want to enjoy this. I should be out with friends, having fun and loving life. I need to go shopping. I need new clothes, and I had some ideas for things I'd like to get for my friends. I miss my friends. I'm sitting here all alone and it's boring. Get me out of here!!! No really, I'm bored out of my mind, dadadada, going crazy. Something like that. Yeah. I'm not sure what I'm talking about anymore. Oh wait, I'm not talking, I'm typing. Hehehehehe. Breathing is funny. It makes me laugh sometimes. I guess it's not really that funny is it. Oh well, I don't care, it's awesome. I think I should stop this "stream-of-consciousness" writing now, my train of thought seems to be passing through a very strange land.

Bisexuality.

I've been thinking/worrying a lot lately about "coming out" to my parents. I know they aren't exactly open to the idea of homosexuality, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't really see any difference when it comes to being bisexual. I refuse to try to keep it a secret anymore, but I'm really worried about how they'll react when they find out. I've been reading a lot of other people's "coming out" stories, and it's given me a bit of hope that maybe they wouldn't take it that badly, but I'm still worried. I don't want them to completely freak out about it. I don't think they'd go as far as disowning me or anything, but I'm pretty sure they'd be extremely upset and/or angry. *sigh* But I know eventually it's going to come out/get back to them, and I'd prefer telling them myself over them hearing it from somewhere else, but I just can't bring myself to face that. So for now I guess I'll just keep avoiding the subject with them until I can work up the nerve to say it.

Poem: I Want My Heart Back

I Want My Heart Back by: Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I said goodbye and walked away,
Tired of being used and lied to,
And left behind so much there,
Lost so many things to you,

You can keep the clothes,
You can keep the toys,
You can keep all of it,
Except for one thing,

I want my heart back, please,
I'm sure you don't want it now,
Just hand me the bloody pieces,
So I can try to fix it, somehow,

I'm finding it hard to live,
With the hollow hole in my chest,
Where you tore me to shreds,
I just want to be able to rest,
And feel my heart beat again.

I don't want you back,
I just want you gone,
I don't need the pain,
I just need to move on,

I want my heart back, please,
I'm sure you don't want it now,
Just hand me the bloody pieces,
So I can try to fix it, somehow.

You don't need to love me,
You don't need to be there,
You don't need to lie to me,
You don't need to say you care,

I want my heart back, please,
I'm sure you don't want it now,
Just hand me the bloody pieces,
So I can try to fix it, somehow.

Weekly World News

Well, an era ends with a whimper. Weekly World News, the greatest paper ever written, has ceased publication. I always kinda wished I could have been a writer for them. Please take a moment of silence for the world's only reliable newspaper.

Potential.

All my life, I've been told I had so much potential and I could be this and I could be that, and I still hear it constantly. I've tried my whole life to remind myself that I can't possibly be everything to everyone, I can't possible live up to all of their expectations. Even though I know that, and remind myself all the time, it still haunts me. Disappointment. No matter what I do, no matter how I try, I'll always feel like a failure, because I can't possibly succeed at the goals that have been set before me. I know I shouldn't worry about it, that I should just let it go and not let myself fall into that trap, but as hard as I try I can't forget about it. It always comes back to that feeling, like no matter what I do it's wrong. No matter what I do I'm a disappointment and a failure. I hate potential. I would be so much more motivated if all the talk of my "potential" throughout my life didn't make it seem so futile to even try. It's incredibly difficult to get yourself to act when you know that in some way you've already failed no matter what. I just wish I could forget about all these things I'm "supposed to be" so I wouldn't know what a screw-up I am. I used to try to be everything I was told I could be, but once I realized that I can't be everything, it all just stopped seeming worth it. And I can't figure out how to make it right again, how to make myself stop feeling that way, how to make it mean anything again. *sigh*

Change.

I'm glad I'm me. My ability to deal with things, to turn the other cheek, to forgive and forget never ceases to surprise me. I came to the realization today that I no longer harbor any negative feelings toward my ex and her new boyfriend. It's all good. I was never that upset with them (except when I was in a bad mood anyway) but now it honestly doesn't bother me anymore. I just hope they both can get past it and we can still be friends. I know he can, and I think he has, but I'm not so sure about her. I think she still has a lot of repressed feelings there, and it seems to create some tension. I'm sure part of it is her strangely skewed view of me, and part of it is just her normal tendency to repress everything and let her feelings slowly destroy her. I just hope one day she'll get better at dealing with her feelings and get past them. There's so much good in her, if only she wasn't so bitter and resentful at the world, and she could get over the hate and be the good person she really is if she could just learn to deal with things instead of lying to herself. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do, it's something she'll have to face on her own.
On a different note, I've been doing much better at being confident. I'm slowly learning to like myself, instead of always focusing on my shortcomings. I've noticed people are responding very positively to the change as well, which helps encourage me. Now I just need to get out more. :)

Confidence.

I need more confidence in myself. I've been feeling more confident the past few days and it feels great. I want to be confident like this more often. I want to feel my worthwhile and courageous. I want to be able to let loose more. I want to let my impulsive side roam free more often. I want to stop being so scared and worried. I just want to learn to appreciate myself more. I want to say what I think without worrying about what people will think. It doesn't seem like it should be so hard, but it is. I'm making progress though, mostly thanks to Nikki, Matt, and Rachel. They've been helping me a lot with my confidence problem. And of course Jennifer, without her helping me keep myself calm and helping me not get so depressed I know I wouldn't be getting better. Thank you, all of you. I don't know what I'd do without such great friends. And I should thank Kenny for being a sounding board when I needed to release my frustration about things, and just for being a good friend for so long. Of course, I don't know if anyone except maybe Nikki will actually read this, but I'll be sure to thank you all personally too. It might help if I didn't get so serious and intense about life, but I really can't help that. I'm so lucky to have my friends and family in my life. I love you all.

Poem: Tides

Tides by Scott Barnes
-=-=-

The past is gaining ground,
The memories flooding though,
Wiping away everything inside,
And destroying my mind.

It's a constant struggle,
to keep myself intact,
to keep myself together,
bracing for impact.

The waters of time recede,
The tides of misery subside,
I'm left all alone,
In the wasteland left behind.

The wasteland slowly regrows,
Into a lush and fertile land,
of ideas and thoughts and feelings,
Overgrowing and absorbing me.

The process begins again,
The tides rush in anew,
I slowly remember everything,
I begin to remember you.

Memory

I usually have almost no memory. The few times I start remembering I realize why I usually don't. It makes me miserable. The past is a horrible blur of terrifying and sickening images. I'm not saying I don't have any happy memories, just that my happy memories only serve to remind me how much I've lost and what I fear I'll never find again. It's better when I don't remember. Things seem brighter, happier, more hopeful when I forget. I'd like to think the future will be better than the past, but unfortunately I find it difficult to be optimistic sometimes. The only time I'm really happy anymore is when I'm with my friends forgetting all about these things. I don't know though, part of me wants to just embrace my depression with open arms and let it consume me. Part of me wishes the mania would start up again and never end. Part of me doesn't know what to think or say or do anymore. All of me wishes things would change. I'm trying my hardest to change, and I have, but changing what I want without changing myself completely is so difficult. Nothing is really enjoyable anymore unless someone I care about is involved. I'm tired and moody most of the time, but the moment I'm with my friends I start getting hyper and excited. I never want to be alone again. It's not a real solution, but it's the only thing I can find. These mood swings and episodes are killing me. I don't even know if I can blame this on the bipolar disorder anymore, it's become far too frequent for that. It's like my entire feelings, mood, and outlook change drastically from day to day, sometimes more than once a day. I don't understand it. I shouldn't be like this. I know I'll never make it if I don't figure this out and fix it. I can't live the rest of my life like this. The bipolar episodes I can deal with, these recent violent mood swings I can't. It's driving me to madness. Don't get me wrong, whatever this problem is, I have no doubt that it's no one's fault but my own. I accept that. I just wish I knew why. I just wish I could put an end to it. I feel like I'm destroying what little life I ever had every moment of every day. I put on a smile for my family, my coworkers, my friends, and sometimes it's a real smile, but mostly it's just for show. My closest friends and family can still pull out a real smile occasionally, but mostly it's an act. I just don't want to whine or bring anyone else down with me. And it scares me that a lot of people see me as overemotional and dramatic, but I hold back so much as it is, I can't even imagine holding any more in. I swear I feel like a drama queen, but it's not like I do it intentionally. These feelings are real, for the most part I'm not exaggerating them either. In fact, as I said, I usually hold back and try to be more reserved about it. I just can't seem to do it anymore, and I really wish I could just let go and say what I feel all the time, but no one would ever want to be anywhere near me ever again. I've been trying to find a balance, letting it out without overdoing it, but it's proving far more difficult than I anticipated. It's like opening up a dam, once it starts pouring out there's no stopping it. I'm so confused, I'm not even sure what's real anymore. Most of the time I'm not sure anything is. Most of the time it just feels like life is a movie and I'm just watching, not really part of it. I don't know how to really explain it, just a vague sense like everything is a dream, or more appropriately, a nightmare. I can't stand it anymore, I want to feel real again. I want to feel like I'm actually alive. I'm just a ghost trapped inside my own walking corpse. Once in a while I'll have a short period of being real, but it's just enough to make me recall the life I'm missing. It's actually a deeply frightening feeling, not being real. It's terrifying actually, but I can't even show my fear because I'm not even connected to my self enough to control it. If you've ever had that sense of panic and disorientation that can only be caused by a loss of self, then you can imagine what I'm dealing with all the time. If you have never found yourself disconnected like that, if you've managed to keep your consciousness and the rest of you linked at all times, then you couldn't possibly understand what I mean, but you should consider yourself lucky for that. That's one of the reasons I keep this journal, to get these things out during my sporadic moments of connection. Luckily it's easier to stay "connected", or at least to not panic so much, when other people are around. Which is one of the reasons I hate being alone. I disconnect much more easily when I'm alone. But enough explaining to myself for now.

Venting.

I am seriously not in a good mood and I'm so fucking sick of everybody's bullshit. For every honest person I've ever met, there's a ocean of fucking self-absorbed hateful liars. Fuck them all. What the fuck is wrong with all these goddamn people. Goddamn fakers and liars, all of them. Why in the hell can't all those goddamn bastards just fuck off and leave me the hell alone. The worst ones are the ones that got the closest. The ones that pretended to be decent people just so they could fucking abuse me. Shit, they're still pretending, they still won't fucking admit what heartless selfish greedy egocentric assholes they are, they still think they can fucking convince me to let them keep fucking walking all over me. It's not even worth telling them off, they'd probably enjoy knowing how much they fucking hurt me. They'd probably just laugh about with each other like the goddamn heartless bastards they are. Fuck it all, people are so goddamn fucked up, how the hell do people like that live with themselves? If I ever treated someone the way they treated me I'd fucking kill myself. What the fuck is wrong them? Part of me just wants to tell them both to go the fuck to hell and die in a fire, but that's just because I'm in a really bitchy mood right now. Goddamn it. Fuck it all. Goddamn stupid self-absorbed greedy manipulative hateful sadistic evil mother fuckers. I fucking hate this shit. I'm sorry for all the hostility, and I'm normally not this angry, even at them, I'm just in a really fucking shitty mood right now and thinking about this shit was pissing me the fuck off, and me getting pissed off doesn't happen often, so I needed to vent. I know once I cool down and I'm in a better mood it'll be fine and I won't feel like this, but I needed to get it out just to help me regain my calm and composure. Sorry for the hostile angry rant, it's very unlike me to think like this, so it's best that I don't bottle it up. By tomorrow I'll probably have calmed down and they'll just mildly irritate me again, instead of full-out pissing me off. So it's all good.

I've been tagged.

I don't even know how to start. I'm supposed to put ten things about me that most people don't know, but I'm not sure if there are that many that I don't openly admit to. Where to begin...

1. I have a running competition with my friend Bob to see which of us is more feminine.

2. I think girly guys and tomboyish girls are really cute.

3. When I'm around a lot of people who aren't talking directly to me I feel invisible. I don't mean that in the sense of feeling ignored, I mean I literally forget that they know I'm there.

4. I'm a lot more impulsive than I seem. I almost never plan ahead or prepare because life is more exciting when I have no idea what could happen.

5. I act embarrassed by things sometimes when I feel like I should be embarrassed, but I'm actually almost never embarrassed by anything I say or do.

6. I tend not to admit when I'm irritated, not because I'm afraid to, but because I don't want to ruin someone else's day just because I'm in a bad mood.

7. I usually try to play off my quietness as just being shy, but in reality I'm quiet because I'm terrified that people will think I'm insane.

8. I actually like kids most of the time, but I'm always nervous around them because I can never bring myself to tell a little kid "no" to anything.

9. I pretend not to care how I look but really I worry constantly that I'm fat or ugly.

10. My sense of touch is so sensitive that being touched by other people actually slightly hurts, but I love it anyway because it makes me feel closer to them.

Hugs.

Note to self: Invent device to make it possible to hug people over the internet. The world needs more hugging.

Moodiness.

I hate this. I've been really moody and irritable, and not just a little bit bitchy today. I don't like being like that, I like to be the nice, even-tempered type that I usually am. Why the hell am I so emotionally unstable? I mean, I know, the bipolar thing, but even so, it seems like I shouldn't mood swing this much. I know part of it is because I've just always had quick, frequent, mild mood swings, but not like today. They haven't been mild, they've been incredibly strong. As in, going from "about to cry" to "beating my head against the wall" to "cursing to myself about everything" in the course of five minutes type of moody. It sucks.

Adderall is evil

I have come to this realization. I haven't had my Adderall in a week and I'm starting to remember why I didn't want to start taking in the first place. I feel more energetic, more awake, more alive. I know I need it to function in normal society, but seriously, I don't want to. I like being the real me. The sporadic spontaneous random ridiculous crazy confusing energized eccentric me. The me that apparently alliterates a lot. I don't want to be stuffy and locked into one train of thought. I don't want a train of thought. I love my bouncy ball of thought. So many thoughts and ideas and feelings and sensations and random images and sounds racing through my head with blazing speed and when I take the Adderall they're all still there I just can't keep up with them. I want to keep up. It's not my fault I can't express my thoughts as fast as I can have them. My lack of attention span is mine damn it, and I finally have it back, I want to keep it. But I know my bosses at work aren't too happy with it. And I really don't want to lose my job. But is holding a job worth losing my self? I shouldn't even have to ask myself these questions. Why do I have to be stuck in a world that can't appreciate my unique state of mind? Oh well, it's okay though. I'm just happy to be me again, at least for now. I don't like medications. Fuck medications. Stupid pills changing my brain, forget it. I'm much happier this way, and I feel my useful and social without the stupid Adderall. I just wish everyone else didn't think I was unreliable and impulsive without it. I admit I get distracted really easily and lose track of what I'm doing and end up not doing things I was supposed to do, but still I do a lot and I'll eventually come back around to whatever it was I was supposed to be doing, it just might take a while. And I feel less anxious and freaked out. That's always a plus. Anxiety sucks. I just like it because I feel more at home inside my head now. I don't feel like a stranger to my own mind anymore. I love that. Of course, don't get me wrong, a lot of this happiness could also be because I just got over being depressed a few days ago and when the depressed episodes end is usually when the manic or hypomanic episodes start, but I feel really good about myself right now and I don't want to ruin it with those stupid pills. No pills. Ever. Pills = bad. I just wanna live and be myself without people raining on my parade damn it. Why is that so hard? Why can't real life just leave me be and let me enjoy my mind. Why does everyone want me to be something else, why can't I just be the force of creative randomness I am naturally? I have a million ideas in my brain and I don't want to live my life with them racing circles around me, scaring me and threatening to consume my tortured psyche because some stupid pills slow me down. I want to embrace my madness. I want to free myself and stop trying to anchor down with pills, just let the currents and tides of the chaos of my thoughts sweep me away. Drifting aimlessly in a stormy ocean of ideas is the life for me. Besides, maybe one day someone will come along to anchor me. I'd rather be anchored by love than by chemicals. I'm reminded of "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails. I love that song. It's so forceful. You know what other Nine Inch Nails song really moves me? "Hurt". I cry every time I hear that song, it's just beautiful and powerful. Kinda like what I want in a relationship. Someone emotionally beautiful and powerful, someone who is on the outside as I am on the inside. That would be my dream come true. Too bad my ex was more the first part, she just made me cry. But she was powerful. Oh did she ever have power over me. I hate to admit it but that was one of the things I loved about her. I hate being bossed around, but somehow I didn't mind when she did it. I'll never understand that. And there aren't many things I can't understand. I'm very good at figuring things out, what with my hyperactive mind and all. Anyway, I suppose I should end this post eventually shouldn't I? Yeah, I probably should end it now that I've starting asking myself questions in writing. So yeah, end transmission.

Getting better.

Depression sucks. Thankfully my latest "episode" is going away, and I'm starting to feel more spirited. I need to do something with myself at this point, make some progress in my life, before the next episode starts and messes it all up again. I'm in a better place, and I'd like to make the most of it. It still feels strange to me that I always get like this when the depression starts to fade, this phase where I'm not as down anymore but I still haven't reached my normal state of high-spirited idealism. Sometimes I think I'm most productive at times like this, when I'm getting over the depression but my head hasn't quite floated back into the clouds yet. Analyzing myself like this makes me feel like a crazy person, but I suppose in a way I am. It's okay though, being crazy keeps things interesting. Personal psychological drama for the win. This is what I don't understand about people that whine and complain about their mental problems (or the ones they claim to have). I'm perfectly okay with keeping it to my blog and occasionally talking to a good friend about it, I see no reason to make a big public spectacle of it. I guess I'm just not as attention starved as they are. Oh well, to each their own.

Sanity

I've come to the realization that I make far less sense than I thought. I'm not sure how much of what I say or write comes out as I intend it, but I have come to the rather disturbing realization that my words are not always an appropriate expression of what I mean. It's especially frightening because it all makes perfect sense to me when I say or write it, and, in the case of writing, will usually make sense when I read over it later. To others however, I have doubts as to how much of even this entry will be interpreted as what I actually intend to say. Maybe that's why so few people will listen to me. What worries me more is that occasionally my words aren't just mistaken, they genuinely make no sense to others. I used to think it was just the fact that I use a lot of words most people don't, but I've been keeping track of the times that people seemed confused by my words lately, and I now realize the problem isn't the words themselves, it's my usage of them. Namely, I tend to use words that "sound right" to me, but aren't appropriate for the thought I'm expressing. Which would seem to imply that I don't realize what the words mean, but that's the unsettling part. I do understand them perfectly well, I just use them incorrectly without realizing it. Not in writing usually, since I can revise my writing, but in speech I do it frequently. It's deeply frustrating now that I've started carefully observing it and noticing just how much I end up being misunderstood because of my word approximation. Of course, it's not that I never realized this before, it's just that I used to be perfectly fine with not talking much, so it wasn't such a problem. Now I'm starting to wish I could be more vocal, and having this kind of difficulty is rather inhibiting. Also, for the first time in my life I'm thankful that I learned to control my palilalia. For anyone who doesn't know, palilalia is a condition where the person will repeat or mouth the last few words they said. I used to be horrible about that, I would constantly finish talking then repeat the last few words under my breath. The worst part was that I didn't even know I was doing it unless someone pointed it out. As far as I know I haven't done that in a long time though, thankfully. The worst is when I'm under a lot of stress though, I've had a few occasions where I'd get into "word salad", which as funny as it sounds that's actually the clinical term for it. "Word salad" is basically nonsense, but with real words and normal grammar, like "You seem shiny, maybe tomatoes are turquoise!". I've only done that a few times though, and only a tiny bit because I realized as soon as I started doing it that I wasn't making any sense. That makes me sound really crazy doesn't it? I'm not crazy though, it's just a weird problem with my ability to express my thoughts. That's why I prefer expressing feelings, I can usually express those properly. Keep in mind though, I'm not trying to complain or make excuses for anything or whatever this may sound like, if it does sound like that, I'm not sure, but I'm just explaining all of this because I want to make some record of it, so others might understand me better, and so I'll have a reminder if I forget all of this, which is rather likely given my memory problems.

Suggestibility

I like being open-minded, but I wish I didn't believe people so easily. Gullible isn't quite the word, but it's the first one that comes to mind. "Too trusting" might be a better way to put it. It's not even that I just assume people are telling me the truth, it's just that without evidence to the contrary I see no reason to think otherwise. I just seem to give everything the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes I wish I didn't, it tends to make me rather easily manipulated. I can't help it though, I really have tried to be a skeptical person, but I just can't. I have to admit though, sometimes I'm glad not to be skeptical, it's part of why I learn and understand things so easily. I just wish it didn't make me so easily suggestible. That's why I have such a strong disdain for being lied to for any reason. But as I've always said, I'd rather be taken advantage of occasionally than end up not being there for someone who really needed me.

Poem: Frozen

Frozen by Scott Barnes
------

Caged in ice, trapped inside,
Unable to break loose,
Suspended in a frozen cage,
I fear there is no use,

Too long have I been frozen,
With no heat to revive,
I need someone to warm me,
And make me feel alive.

A warm place, a warm face,
A warm heart, a warm body to hold,
A soft touch, a soft gaze,
A soft voice, so I won't feel so cold.

Melt away this cage,
Free me from my chains,

Give me something real,
Hold me so I can feel,

I just can't stand to be,
Frozen, inside of me.

Communication

That's all I really want. Why is it so hard to find someone I can discuss deep topics with? I need to find more people that want to talk about life, philosophy, literature, spirituality, psychology, theology, just anything truly meaningful. I get so tired of talking to myself (so to speak). I need someone that I can stay up until the wee hours of the morning discussing serious topics with. Not just a "sounding board" mind you, someone that will actually talk to me too. Though someone that would just be interested in hearing my thoughts would be great too. I'm a lonely philosopher and poet, living in a world where it seems like all anyone wants to think about is physical reality. I live in a world of thoughts, feelings, ideas. I wish I could find someone to live there with me.

A better man.

I'm feeling a lot better. It might be a hypomanic episode, but I'm in a damn good mood today. I feel like I could take on the world, and win. I wish I could go out somewhere, this feeling is too good to waste at home. I wish I could feel this way all the time. I need to get myself a vehicle, and find some place to hang out. I can't wait for Otakon this weekend, it's gonna kick so much ass. I hope I'm feeling good this weekend. I'm looking forward to meeting some people there, plus the 4chan panel should be pretty awesome.

Hopeless.

Sometimes I think about my life, my future, about living, and I realize I just don't want to do it. I'm not talking about suicide, I would never do that to the people that care about me. I just don't feel like living sometimes. I wish I could just escape from myself and never turn back. Everyone always told me how when I was a kid I never stopped smiling, they couldn't even imagine how anyone could smile so much. I don't even remember how to smile most of the time anymore. I'm not trying to say my life is horrible, and I know there are people in the world far worse off than I am. That's part of the problem, I know all too well how bad things can be for people, and I feel so useless because I can't make it better. If I can't make anyone happy, if I can't even be happy, then what good am I? All I've ever wanted out of this life is two things: True love, and to make a difference. Someone to love, and a chance to make the world a better place. I'm no closer to either one than I was when I was a dumb smiling kid. I'm failing miserably at the only things that matter to me, and I just don't understand why it has to be this way. I don't think I really deserve to be happy anyway, considering that I'm worthless. I try to help people, to do the right thing, to be a good person, but it all just ends up crumbling before my eyes, crashing down on me and crushing what little hope I cling to. And then I start to wonder why I even bother. If the world isn't meant for good people, why keep trying. I start to think I should just give in and become something horrible. If all my struggling has gotten me nowhere, why shouldn't I just give up? But I know I can't give up, I don't have it in me to become a spiteful, self-absorbed, heartless person. Still, sometimes I wish I could, sometimes it seems like they're the only ones that ever get to feel anything but pain and misery. I know if I ever did become like that I would hate myself though. I don't hate people who are like that, but I hold myself to different standards. The only person I'm even capable of hating is myself. Which just makes me feel even more pathetic and useless. But none of it matters anyway, eventually this will be over one way or another. I just wish I had someone to comfort me. I can sit here and explain everything or talk to a friend, but it just doesn't help sometimes. What I really need most times, especially now, is just someone that I can curl up, lay my head on their chest, and just cry while they hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Someone to make me feel like I'm not so alone, to make the world not seem so cold and dark. But I don't know if I'll ever have that, if I'll ever find someone who can do that for me. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to, it's pathetic of me to need that. Some man I am. Sorry mom, sorry dad, your son is worthless pathetic crybaby.

Closure.

I feel like a fool for dwelling on things like this, but it's been driving me insane. The night I broke up with my ex-fiance, when we pulled up at her house, her biological mother was waiting there and made a huge scene about money and such because she's a greedy bitch, and as a result we never finished that conversation. It's been driving me out of my mind because I don't think she understood why I had to leave her, and I just wish I could talk to her again, one on one, and explain to her exactly what happened. I know that will never happen though, because she would never really talk about things while I was with her, much less now. It seems so crazy, I usually have no difficulty just letting things go. I guess I'll just continue to be haunted by this, possibly for the rest of my life. *sigh*

Frustration

This is so confusing and frustrating. I want to find someone to love, I need someone to be with, but I've lost all faith in love. I'm starting to wonder if I'm wrong in thinking that people are, at heart, good. Everyone seems so narrow and self-centered sometimes, but I just can't bring myself to think the whole world is really like that. That's one of the reasons I want to meet new people, because right now the people with vision and compassion seem so few and far between. I'm not talking about how some people are selfish and put themselves before others, I'm talking about how some people just don't seem to really comprehend the fact that others are real, that others have thoughts and feelings and minds and lives of their own. How some people act like no one else matters, that anything outside of their own narrow experiences and views is meaningless. It just worries me that I seem to find these people so easily. I know in my heart that humanity is by nature caring, and I have seen so much to remind me that people are basically good, it just feels like it's been so long since I've had a reminder like that. More than that though, it just frustrates me thinking about all the people who have let bitterness and anger and hatred turn them into something horrible, and knowing I can't possibly help them all. Especially when I think of the ones that I've had the chance to help and failed. Failing myself is nothing, but failing someone else like that just makes me feel so useless. I don't think I'll ever be able to get used to that, but I'm not letting it stop me, I just have to try hard to remind myself that I gave it my best, and for some cases, remind myself that when people refuse to be helped, I can't keep beating myself up about it, I need to just move on and hope that those people will open up and seek the help they need some day. I don't mean that to sound self-righteous, I don't want to make anyone do anything, I just want everyone to find the strength to be their true selves, and to open themselves to the world, so they can understand that reality is more than what they perceive. I want people to truly understand, deep in their hearts, that they are not alone, and that when it all comes down to it all we as people really have is each other.

Loneliness

There's nothing like a holiday to remind you how alone and miserable you are. It's my fault of course, if I wasn't so fucked up, I might be able to make some friends. I might have a life. I might not be stuck at home just desperately wishing I could end this tortured restlessness. I might mean something. I try to be better, I try to fix myself, but it just isn't working. I've tried therapy, I've tried medication, I've tried just doing it myself, nothing works. I'm not giving up, but it just feels like I'm running in circles. Why is it so hard to make myself better? I don't think it's hopeless, but it feels that way sometimes. All I can really do is keep trying, since the alternative would be to just let it consume me until nothing mattered anymore. It's not even that I care for myself, I just wish I could be less overwhelmed and muddled in my interactions with people. I can barely stand to speak for fear that it'll give away the chaotic mess inside my head. I'm constantly worried that people can see through my attempts at being "okay" and realize that I'm insane. Not in a psychopathic mass-murderer kind of way, in a sitting on the side of the street rambling incoherently with a sign that says "the end is near" kind of way. Sometimes I think it'd be easier just to make myself on of those signs and do exactly that.

Restlessness

I can't even explain how much I wish I wasn't sitting at home right now. I hate sitting around bored. I should be out somewhere, interacting with people, hanging out with friends, meeting new people, whatever. Just to be anywhere but here. I need to get out, get away. It's not that I mind my house so much, it's just that I can't stand the tedium.

Much better.

No offense to MySpace (well okay, maybe a little offense) but I've decided to start using a real blog now. I'll probably repost some of my old entries from the MySpace blog here shortly.

Medication

I give up on this crap. If I'm miserable, fine. If I'm "impulsive", so be it. If I lose interest too easily and my mind wanders a lot, I'll deal with it. I'm sick of being medicated to "fix" me. Hell, if the medication really worked, if it really "fixed it" instead of just delaying it and having fucked up side effects, maybe I'd feel differently. Maybe I'd still take them. But as it is, it's useless. I am what I am, any problems I have, I'll figure out how to fix them myself. This drugging me into sanity bullshit isn't cutting it anymore. I know the doctors just want to help, I know they think these pills are supposed to make me "better" and sometimes, just sometimes, they do make me feel better. But even when they do, it doesn't feel right. I can't say I refuse to take any of it though. At least when I'm going to work I still take the amphetamines for my ADD. Without them I get too restless and it irritates my bosses/coworkers. So unless I wanted to be unemployed I'm kinda stuck with that much. Mostly I just need to get the hell away. I'm not the type to settle in. Constantly moving, adapting, evolving, changing, learning, growing, that's the only thing that keeps me from completely losing my mind, and I right now I'm just too constrained. I don't need pills, I need a way out. I need to get loose, I need someone to drag me out of this rut so I can start actually living again instead popping pills and being a good little walking zombie. And if no one else will help, I'll just have to find a way to drag myself out, but that's going to be tough. You try being a social butterfly when your mind is so cluttered that you can barely remember your own name half the time. You try relying on yourself when you have no way of knowing whether you're going to wake up feeling like the world is perfect and wonderful, or feeling completely depressed, numb, like nothing in existence matters. Sure, most days it's okay, most days I wake up feeling however I should feel. But I've learned not to rely too much on anything, especially not myself. I've been told I'm dependable, trustworthy, loyal, and so on, by a lot of different people. But not for me. I'm reliable to others because no matter how I'm feeling I still respect and appreciate the people around me. Just not me. It's not that I hate myself or anything, I just really don't give a crap about me. I don't really see much reason to, it's not like I belong, here or anywhere else. The best use I can make of myself is to help others achieve something worthwhile. If I wasn't so critical I'd probably find a nicer way to put it, like "I inspire and uplift people" or something. Either way the point is that making life better for the people around me is the only thing I actually feel motivated to do most of the time, and when I spend too much time alone, I start to feel too useless even for that. And the drugs do nothing for that kind of issue. So I'm just saying fuck it, I'll work through these problems myself, with people who care, not with pills from some doctor that talks to me for five minutes four times a year.

Poem: Silence

Silence by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-

I just wanted to tell you we had,
A great conversation today,
You'll never remember it though,
You weren't there anyway.

It happens all the time you know,
I tell you my hopes and fears,
Sharing everything I think about,
Though it never reaches your ears.

Sometimes I forget that you can't hear me.
Sometimes I forget you're not really there.

I'm so quiet when you're near,
You probably never knew,
That I spend so much of my time,
Telling myself to you.

I wish that I could speak to you,
But quickly our time slips away,
I'd rather spend it listening,
To what you have to say.

So for now I'll just settle,
For these talks inside my head,
Until one day we have more time,
So I can speak aloud instead.

Poem: A Simple Message

A Simple Message by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Uncertain of what I should do,
Unsure of what I can say,
Unable to tell you these words,
Inside of me, locked away.

They hide inside my mind,
Tearing me apart,
The silence that I give you,
Lies about my heart.

I wish I could set them free,
I wish I could shout it out,
I wish I wasn't so filled with,
Uncertainty and doubt.

If only things were different,
If I could say it another way,
I would announce it to the world,
I would tell everyone, today.

I love you.

Poem: Maelstrom

Maelstrom by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-=-

A beautiful tempest of light and sound,
Cascading and swirling around,
Millions of points moving too quickly,
I can't even see the ground.

Torrents of sensations captivate,
Drawing me into the sea,
I'm losing sight of where I began,
And losing sight of me.

It's a wonderful place to visit,
I only wish I could get away,
This is my Eden, my home, and my prison,
My mind, and I'm here to stay.

The stars don't shine like they used to

This is not right. Looking up at the night sky shouldn't make me feel so alone. But all I can think about is how much I wish I had someone here to look at the stars with me. It sucks being a romantic sometimes. Honestly, I wish I could be perfectly happy alone, but I can't. Nothing really feels worth it without someone to share it with. It's not that I *need* someone, just I can't help but feel like life itself is less vibrant, less real when I'm alone. I'd hoped by now I'd be getting better about this, but it still just all seems... fake somehow. Oh well, another night alone, another night wasted. I'll just hope tomorrow will be better.

Rambling is more fun with an audience

I wish I had someone to talk to more often. I get very bored of talking to myself. (In my head, not out loud. Usually.) More importantly, I wish I knew more people who would actually enjoy listening to my random psychological and philosophical rants. Posting them on a blog just isn't the same. For that matter, typing them isn't the same. I need to actually speak, and hear people respond, at least occasionally. Of course, it might help if I wasn't always so damn quiet around people. I just have trouble starting a conversation, since my mind tends to get ahead of me. I'm working on it though, despite the fact that I usually get a lot of really odd looks the moment I start talking. As if I didn't get enough of that from my behavior, body language, and general appearance. Oh well, I'm fine with being abnormal, so I guess it's not that big of a deal.

Poem: White Noise

White Noise by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-=-=-

I'm awake, I don't think I ever slept,
My mind and heart racing, thinking too much,
Keenly aware of the damage, the hurt,
My heart bleeding in a place I can't touch.

Forgetting is the hardest part tonight,
Ignoring the pain is an impossible dream,
I can't even dream, still awake and alone,
Losing my mind and my soul, so it seems.

Sobbing with frustration, anger, sadness,
I can barely breathe through the tears,
These waking nightmares keep torturing me,
My demons formed out of pains and fears.

I wish my mind could be put to rest,
You know my heart has been put to the test.

Thoughts, fears, hopes, tears, losing my poise,
Thoughts, fears, hopes, tears, in the white noise.

An essay on Bipolar Disorder

These are the thoughts of someone suffering from depression.

I feel so empty. I'm not sad, I just can't seem to feel anything but complete emptiness. It makes existence seem pointless. I just want to change everything. I don't want to be me, I don't want the life I'm living. I can't even justify calling it living. I'm a hollow shell, going through the motions. I have no sense of purpose. I have nothing to call my own. Everything I have is simply borrowed or rented from the world. Even my body and my mind. My heart, my soul, and my mind are broken, shattered into pieces. I can barely convince myself to do simple necessary things, like eating. My life is meaningless, and I am worthless. Nothing matters. In this state, I could do anything, but I don't want to do anything. There's no point to doing anything. It's all ultimately for nothing anyway. I can find no contentment, no peace, no comfort. Disquietude. Tired and unmotivated, yet restless and yearning. I can't seem to stop thinking, but I don't want to think. I don't want to be aware. I don't want to be. I want nothing. I want to be as non-existent on the outside as I feel on the inside. I don't want to die, I just wish I had never existed. Soon, however, this shall pass. Soon, my mind will start to work correctly again, my feelings will return, and I will have purpose again. For now, however, I wish I wasn't here. I wish I wasn't anywhere.

I know these thoughts all too well. I have been in that state of mind more times than I can remember. Eventually I'll try to post the opposite side of my bipolar disorder, the manic state. I say I'll try because unless I'm in a manic state, it's incredibly difficult to remember what it feels like. Many times I can't even remember what I did in that state of mind. I can remember though, that it is an indescribably wonderful feeling, euphoric bliss. I long so badly to feel that way, but I know I can't. I need to continue my treatment, even though it means I may never feel like that again, because the problems it causes, as well as the depressive times that come with it are simply too destructive. This is why bipolar disorder is absolutely horrible, it's like being a drug addict, but the drug is your own mind, hopelessly broken by malformed genetic code. Yes, bipolar disorder is genetic, and hereditary. Which also means it can never be fixed, medicine can only partially relieve the symptoms. I will be tortured by this for the rest of my life, and if I ever have children I would quite possibly pass it on to them. All these things of course make the depression all the worse. However, with the medicine I am taking, the episodes are much less severe and less frequent, so it's more tolerable. A part of me will always want to just stop taking the medicine though. I struggle with myself every day when I take it. Somewhere in the back of my mind, that longing for the manic state makes it difficult. Sometimes I worry that I'm not the same person I was without the medication. I worry that my creativity will suffer because of it. That it will weaken me, make me less passionate. However, I know I must take the pills, without them my disorder would slowly overwhelm me, my condition would worsen.

I am not crazy, I have a very real illness, and wish more people understood just what it is, and what it does to the people who have it, like me. I hope at least someone reads this, learns from it, and gains some insight into this sickness of the soul.

Poem: A Beautiful Day

A Beautiful Day by: Scott Barnes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Gently you hear it, the moans and the cries,
the pain and the torment, of all of your lies.
Louder it grows, more angry the sound,
A piercing scream follows, as I drop to the ground,
The viscera and gore, they cover the dirt,
I laugh and I shout, "but this doesn't hurt,"
As I lay dying, face down in the mud,
My voice gurgling from a throat full of blood,
As the life bubbles out of the hole in my spine,
I continue to scream "I'll be just fine,"
I begin to stand up, half-dead though I rise,
And turn to face you, and look into your eyes,
With a grin and chuckle, still coughing up bile,
"I'm not done with you yet," I say, and I smile,
Your gaze falters slightly, confused and afraid,
As you realize at last the price to be paid,
Removing the knife you carelessly left in my back,
You can't even move to avoid the attack,
Just before the blade connects with the skin,
I halt and I drop it before it sinks in,
Without another word, I turn away,
And walk, and say softly, "have a beautiful day."

Philosophical rambling

Reality is an illusion created to help us conceive things that are impossible to truly understand. Things are never what they appear to be, but they are always exactly what they are perceived to be. Nothing makes sense, but it all connects in mysterious ways to create a fascinating and powerful tapestry of truth we call existence. You can only understand yourself by knowing that you are nothing more than what others perceive you to be, and your misguided beliefs about yourself make you weak. Leave behind the false messiah of your self-image and realize the truth of your being. We are all mistakes of the universe, trying desperately to make something of ourselves, to prove our worth. We are all worthwhile, valuable, and meaningful, if only we could learn to be ourselves instead of just a product of our past. Forget everything you think you know about yourself and the world, and just listen. You'd be surprised just how little you really know. This goes for every wandering soul, mind, and heart that calls itself a human being. No I am not on drugs right now.