Sanity

I've come to the realization that I make far less sense than I thought. I'm not sure how much of what I say or write comes out as I intend it, but I have come to the rather disturbing realization that my words are not always an appropriate expression of what I mean. It's especially frightening because it all makes perfect sense to me when I say or write it, and, in the case of writing, will usually make sense when I read over it later. To others however, I have doubts as to how much of even this entry will be interpreted as what I actually intend to say. Maybe that's why so few people will listen to me. What worries me more is that occasionally my words aren't just mistaken, they genuinely make no sense to others. I used to think it was just the fact that I use a lot of words most people don't, but I've been keeping track of the times that people seemed confused by my words lately, and I now realize the problem isn't the words themselves, it's my usage of them. Namely, I tend to use words that "sound right" to me, but aren't appropriate for the thought I'm expressing. Which would seem to imply that I don't realize what the words mean, but that's the unsettling part. I do understand them perfectly well, I just use them incorrectly without realizing it. Not in writing usually, since I can revise my writing, but in speech I do it frequently. It's deeply frustrating now that I've started carefully observing it and noticing just how much I end up being misunderstood because of my word approximation. Of course, it's not that I never realized this before, it's just that I used to be perfectly fine with not talking much, so it wasn't such a problem. Now I'm starting to wish I could be more vocal, and having this kind of difficulty is rather inhibiting. Also, for the first time in my life I'm thankful that I learned to control my palilalia. For anyone who doesn't know, palilalia is a condition where the person will repeat or mouth the last few words they said. I used to be horrible about that, I would constantly finish talking then repeat the last few words under my breath. The worst part was that I didn't even know I was doing it unless someone pointed it out. As far as I know I haven't done that in a long time though, thankfully. The worst is when I'm under a lot of stress though, I've had a few occasions where I'd get into "word salad", which as funny as it sounds that's actually the clinical term for it. "Word salad" is basically nonsense, but with real words and normal grammar, like "You seem shiny, maybe tomatoes are turquoise!". I've only done that a few times though, and only a tiny bit because I realized as soon as I started doing it that I wasn't making any sense. That makes me sound really crazy doesn't it? I'm not crazy though, it's just a weird problem with my ability to express my thoughts. That's why I prefer expressing feelings, I can usually express those properly. Keep in mind though, I'm not trying to complain or make excuses for anything or whatever this may sound like, if it does sound like that, I'm not sure, but I'm just explaining all of this because I want to make some record of it, so others might understand me better, and so I'll have a reminder if I forget all of this, which is rather likely given my memory problems.