Hopeless.

Sometimes I think about my life, my future, about living, and I realize I just don't want to do it. I'm not talking about suicide, I would never do that to the people that care about me. I just don't feel like living sometimes. I wish I could just escape from myself and never turn back. Everyone always told me how when I was a kid I never stopped smiling, they couldn't even imagine how anyone could smile so much. I don't even remember how to smile most of the time anymore. I'm not trying to say my life is horrible, and I know there are people in the world far worse off than I am. That's part of the problem, I know all too well how bad things can be for people, and I feel so useless because I can't make it better. If I can't make anyone happy, if I can't even be happy, then what good am I? All I've ever wanted out of this life is two things: True love, and to make a difference. Someone to love, and a chance to make the world a better place. I'm no closer to either one than I was when I was a dumb smiling kid. I'm failing miserably at the only things that matter to me, and I just don't understand why it has to be this way. I don't think I really deserve to be happy anyway, considering that I'm worthless. I try to help people, to do the right thing, to be a good person, but it all just ends up crumbling before my eyes, crashing down on me and crushing what little hope I cling to. And then I start to wonder why I even bother. If the world isn't meant for good people, why keep trying. I start to think I should just give in and become something horrible. If all my struggling has gotten me nowhere, why shouldn't I just give up? But I know I can't give up, I don't have it in me to become a spiteful, self-absorbed, heartless person. Still, sometimes I wish I could, sometimes it seems like they're the only ones that ever get to feel anything but pain and misery. I know if I ever did become like that I would hate myself though. I don't hate people who are like that, but I hold myself to different standards. The only person I'm even capable of hating is myself. Which just makes me feel even more pathetic and useless. But none of it matters anyway, eventually this will be over one way or another. I just wish I had someone to comfort me. I can sit here and explain everything or talk to a friend, but it just doesn't help sometimes. What I really need most times, especially now, is just someone that I can curl up, lay my head on their chest, and just cry while they hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Someone to make me feel like I'm not so alone, to make the world not seem so cold and dark. But I don't know if I'll ever have that, if I'll ever find someone who can do that for me. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to, it's pathetic of me to need that. Some man I am. Sorry mom, sorry dad, your son is worthless pathetic crybaby.