Side effects.

Apparently, I stagger a lot now. It's a side effect of the Trileptal I think. Maybe the Lamictal. Or the Pristiq. I really don't know. But I've been told I stagger like I'm drunk. One person even thought I was drunk because of it. Luckily the lack of any other "drunk-like" effects makes it easy for people to realize I'm not. It really doesn't bother me too much, it's just kind of weird. Oh well.

Medication

My meds are making me feel disoriented and drugged up all the time... And I'm not sure I care anymore. Maybe it's better this way. At least it's better than all the pain, all the ups and downs, all the panic and worry and fear, all the reckless abandon and complete carelessness, maybe it's better than being crazy. They've been making me binge eat and sleep all the time, but maybe that's better than starving myself and never sleeping. Maybe this is all for the best. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm not sure I can form a coherent thought anymore. I don't know if I'm even making any sense. The words seem to transform as I read them. I'm so confused. I see my doctor soon, I'll talk to him about it. I don't know what's happening to me. I can't think anymore. I can barely feel anything but pain. So much pain. Why is there never a cure for the pain, but always a cure for the highs. There's a million ways to stop me from feeling amazing, but nothing to stop me from spiralling down into the depths of hell. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what any of this means. I'm just letting my hands type words without much thought. My brain hurts so much. I think it's dying. My thoughts are jumbled and broken, my memories are disorganized and random, my feelings are jaded and confusing, my senses are showing me things that aren't really there, and I can't seem to get back to what I consider "normal." I've gotten so disconnected that I can't even remember how I'm supposed to feel anymore. This strange foggy incomprehensible excuse for reality is all I've got, my memories are so clouded that it's like I've always been this way. I'm scared. I don't want my brain to die.

Depersonalization

Depersonalization is like your brain fracturing into many pieces, separated, partitioned off. The pieces can still communicate, but the messages are broken, disjointed, distant. You, the conscious, self-aware part of you, is lost in the back, a million miles away from your feelings, your senses, your memories. Reality becomes nothing more than a series of images, sounds, just distant sensations, not really your own. You've lost yourself in the void growing between the disconnected segments of your brain. All alone inside the back of your head with your muddled, chaotic thoughts, senseless and yet so profound, clarity in the madness of the nothingness you find yourself surrounded and fogged by. The illusion of existence that serves only to make you feel insane, to remind you that all you are experiencing is more than the dream it's become, yet you cannot feel it. The hazy messages from your senses make the world seem so phantasmal, so surreal. You go on with your routine, trying your best not to let your dementia show to those around you. The messages from your feelings come through, vague but discernible. Fear. Terror. Panic. You can't feel it, but you know. The horror of losing your mind. Losing yourself. The anxiety of worrying that others will know your insanity, lock you away. Eventually it passes, eventually the pieces rejoin and your mind is whole again. But the fear lingers.

If you've felt this, fear not. You are not going crazy, and you are not alone.