Medication

My meds are making me feel disoriented and drugged up all the time... And I'm not sure I care anymore. Maybe it's better this way. At least it's better than all the pain, all the ups and downs, all the panic and worry and fear, all the reckless abandon and complete carelessness, maybe it's better than being crazy. They've been making me binge eat and sleep all the time, but maybe that's better than starving myself and never sleeping. Maybe this is all for the best. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm not sure I can form a coherent thought anymore. I don't know if I'm even making any sense. The words seem to transform as I read them. I'm so confused. I see my doctor soon, I'll talk to him about it. I don't know what's happening to me. I can't think anymore. I can barely feel anything but pain. So much pain. Why is there never a cure for the pain, but always a cure for the highs. There's a million ways to stop me from feeling amazing, but nothing to stop me from spiralling down into the depths of hell. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what any of this means. I'm just letting my hands type words without much thought. My brain hurts so much. I think it's dying. My thoughts are jumbled and broken, my memories are disorganized and random, my feelings are jaded and confusing, my senses are showing me things that aren't really there, and I can't seem to get back to what I consider "normal." I've gotten so disconnected that I can't even remember how I'm supposed to feel anymore. This strange foggy incomprehensible excuse for reality is all I've got, my memories are so clouded that it's like I've always been this way. I'm scared. I don't want my brain to die.