Sanity

I've come to the realization that I make far less sense than I thought. I'm not sure how much of what I say or write comes out as I intend it, but I have come to the rather disturbing realization that my words are not always an appropriate expression of what I mean. It's especially frightening because it all makes perfect sense to me when I say or write it, and, in the case of writing, will usually make sense when I read over it later. To others however, I have doubts as to how much of even this entry will be interpreted as what I actually intend to say. Maybe that's why so few people will listen to me. What worries me more is that occasionally my words aren't just mistaken, they genuinely make no sense to others. I used to think it was just the fact that I use a lot of words most people don't, but I've been keeping track of the times that people seemed confused by my words lately, and I now realize the problem isn't the words themselves, it's my usage of them. Namely, I tend to use words that "sound right" to me, but aren't appropriate for the thought I'm expressing. Which would seem to imply that I don't realize what the words mean, but that's the unsettling part. I do understand them perfectly well, I just use them incorrectly without realizing it. Not in writing usually, since I can revise my writing, but in speech I do it frequently. It's deeply frustrating now that I've started carefully observing it and noticing just how much I end up being misunderstood because of my word approximation. Of course, it's not that I never realized this before, it's just that I used to be perfectly fine with not talking much, so it wasn't such a problem. Now I'm starting to wish I could be more vocal, and having this kind of difficulty is rather inhibiting. Also, for the first time in my life I'm thankful that I learned to control my palilalia. For anyone who doesn't know, palilalia is a condition where the person will repeat or mouth the last few words they said. I used to be horrible about that, I would constantly finish talking then repeat the last few words under my breath. The worst part was that I didn't even know I was doing it unless someone pointed it out. As far as I know I haven't done that in a long time though, thankfully. The worst is when I'm under a lot of stress though, I've had a few occasions where I'd get into "word salad", which as funny as it sounds that's actually the clinical term for it. "Word salad" is basically nonsense, but with real words and normal grammar, like "You seem shiny, maybe tomatoes are turquoise!". I've only done that a few times though, and only a tiny bit because I realized as soon as I started doing it that I wasn't making any sense. That makes me sound really crazy doesn't it? I'm not crazy though, it's just a weird problem with my ability to express my thoughts. That's why I prefer expressing feelings, I can usually express those properly. Keep in mind though, I'm not trying to complain or make excuses for anything or whatever this may sound like, if it does sound like that, I'm not sure, but I'm just explaining all of this because I want to make some record of it, so others might understand me better, and so I'll have a reminder if I forget all of this, which is rather likely given my memory problems.

Suggestibility

I like being open-minded, but I wish I didn't believe people so easily. Gullible isn't quite the word, but it's the first one that comes to mind. "Too trusting" might be a better way to put it. It's not even that I just assume people are telling me the truth, it's just that without evidence to the contrary I see no reason to think otherwise. I just seem to give everything the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes I wish I didn't, it tends to make me rather easily manipulated. I can't help it though, I really have tried to be a skeptical person, but I just can't. I have to admit though, sometimes I'm glad not to be skeptical, it's part of why I learn and understand things so easily. I just wish it didn't make me so easily suggestible. That's why I have such a strong disdain for being lied to for any reason. But as I've always said, I'd rather be taken advantage of occasionally than end up not being there for someone who really needed me.

Poem: Frozen

Frozen by Scott Barnes
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Caged in ice, trapped inside,
Unable to break loose,
Suspended in a frozen cage,
I fear there is no use,

Too long have I been frozen,
With no heat to revive,
I need someone to warm me,
And make me feel alive.

A warm place, a warm face,
A warm heart, a warm body to hold,
A soft touch, a soft gaze,
A soft voice, so I won't feel so cold.

Melt away this cage,
Free me from my chains,

Give me something real,
Hold me so I can feel,

I just can't stand to be,
Frozen, inside of me.

Communication

That's all I really want. Why is it so hard to find someone I can discuss deep topics with? I need to find more people that want to talk about life, philosophy, literature, spirituality, psychology, theology, just anything truly meaningful. I get so tired of talking to myself (so to speak). I need someone that I can stay up until the wee hours of the morning discussing serious topics with. Not just a "sounding board" mind you, someone that will actually talk to me too. Though someone that would just be interested in hearing my thoughts would be great too. I'm a lonely philosopher and poet, living in a world where it seems like all anyone wants to think about is physical reality. I live in a world of thoughts, feelings, ideas. I wish I could find someone to live there with me.

A better man.

I'm feeling a lot better. It might be a hypomanic episode, but I'm in a damn good mood today. I feel like I could take on the world, and win. I wish I could go out somewhere, this feeling is too good to waste at home. I wish I could feel this way all the time. I need to get myself a vehicle, and find some place to hang out. I can't wait for Otakon this weekend, it's gonna kick so much ass. I hope I'm feeling good this weekend. I'm looking forward to meeting some people there, plus the 4chan panel should be pretty awesome.

Hopeless.

Sometimes I think about my life, my future, about living, and I realize I just don't want to do it. I'm not talking about suicide, I would never do that to the people that care about me. I just don't feel like living sometimes. I wish I could just escape from myself and never turn back. Everyone always told me how when I was a kid I never stopped smiling, they couldn't even imagine how anyone could smile so much. I don't even remember how to smile most of the time anymore. I'm not trying to say my life is horrible, and I know there are people in the world far worse off than I am. That's part of the problem, I know all too well how bad things can be for people, and I feel so useless because I can't make it better. If I can't make anyone happy, if I can't even be happy, then what good am I? All I've ever wanted out of this life is two things: True love, and to make a difference. Someone to love, and a chance to make the world a better place. I'm no closer to either one than I was when I was a dumb smiling kid. I'm failing miserably at the only things that matter to me, and I just don't understand why it has to be this way. I don't think I really deserve to be happy anyway, considering that I'm worthless. I try to help people, to do the right thing, to be a good person, but it all just ends up crumbling before my eyes, crashing down on me and crushing what little hope I cling to. And then I start to wonder why I even bother. If the world isn't meant for good people, why keep trying. I start to think I should just give in and become something horrible. If all my struggling has gotten me nowhere, why shouldn't I just give up? But I know I can't give up, I don't have it in me to become a spiteful, self-absorbed, heartless person. Still, sometimes I wish I could, sometimes it seems like they're the only ones that ever get to feel anything but pain and misery. I know if I ever did become like that I would hate myself though. I don't hate people who are like that, but I hold myself to different standards. The only person I'm even capable of hating is myself. Which just makes me feel even more pathetic and useless. But none of it matters anyway, eventually this will be over one way or another. I just wish I had someone to comfort me. I can sit here and explain everything or talk to a friend, but it just doesn't help sometimes. What I really need most times, especially now, is just someone that I can curl up, lay my head on their chest, and just cry while they hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Someone to make me feel like I'm not so alone, to make the world not seem so cold and dark. But I don't know if I'll ever have that, if I'll ever find someone who can do that for me. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to, it's pathetic of me to need that. Some man I am. Sorry mom, sorry dad, your son is worthless pathetic crybaby.

Closure.

I feel like a fool for dwelling on things like this, but it's been driving me insane. The night I broke up with my ex-fiance, when we pulled up at her house, her biological mother was waiting there and made a huge scene about money and such because she's a greedy bitch, and as a result we never finished that conversation. It's been driving me out of my mind because I don't think she understood why I had to leave her, and I just wish I could talk to her again, one on one, and explain to her exactly what happened. I know that will never happen though, because she would never really talk about things while I was with her, much less now. It seems so crazy, I usually have no difficulty just letting things go. I guess I'll just continue to be haunted by this, possibly for the rest of my life. *sigh*

Frustration

This is so confusing and frustrating. I want to find someone to love, I need someone to be with, but I've lost all faith in love. I'm starting to wonder if I'm wrong in thinking that people are, at heart, good. Everyone seems so narrow and self-centered sometimes, but I just can't bring myself to think the whole world is really like that. That's one of the reasons I want to meet new people, because right now the people with vision and compassion seem so few and far between. I'm not talking about how some people are selfish and put themselves before others, I'm talking about how some people just don't seem to really comprehend the fact that others are real, that others have thoughts and feelings and minds and lives of their own. How some people act like no one else matters, that anything outside of their own narrow experiences and views is meaningless. It just worries me that I seem to find these people so easily. I know in my heart that humanity is by nature caring, and I have seen so much to remind me that people are basically good, it just feels like it's been so long since I've had a reminder like that. More than that though, it just frustrates me thinking about all the people who have let bitterness and anger and hatred turn them into something horrible, and knowing I can't possibly help them all. Especially when I think of the ones that I've had the chance to help and failed. Failing myself is nothing, but failing someone else like that just makes me feel so useless. I don't think I'll ever be able to get used to that, but I'm not letting it stop me, I just have to try hard to remind myself that I gave it my best, and for some cases, remind myself that when people refuse to be helped, I can't keep beating myself up about it, I need to just move on and hope that those people will open up and seek the help they need some day. I don't mean that to sound self-righteous, I don't want to make anyone do anything, I just want everyone to find the strength to be their true selves, and to open themselves to the world, so they can understand that reality is more than what they perceive. I want people to truly understand, deep in their hearts, that they are not alone, and that when it all comes down to it all we as people really have is each other.

Loneliness

There's nothing like a holiday to remind you how alone and miserable you are. It's my fault of course, if I wasn't so fucked up, I might be able to make some friends. I might have a life. I might not be stuck at home just desperately wishing I could end this tortured restlessness. I might mean something. I try to be better, I try to fix myself, but it just isn't working. I've tried therapy, I've tried medication, I've tried just doing it myself, nothing works. I'm not giving up, but it just feels like I'm running in circles. Why is it so hard to make myself better? I don't think it's hopeless, but it feels that way sometimes. All I can really do is keep trying, since the alternative would be to just let it consume me until nothing mattered anymore. It's not even that I care for myself, I just wish I could be less overwhelmed and muddled in my interactions with people. I can barely stand to speak for fear that it'll give away the chaotic mess inside my head. I'm constantly worried that people can see through my attempts at being "okay" and realize that I'm insane. Not in a psychopathic mass-murderer kind of way, in a sitting on the side of the street rambling incoherently with a sign that says "the end is near" kind of way. Sometimes I think it'd be easier just to make myself on of those signs and do exactly that.

Restlessness

I can't even explain how much I wish I wasn't sitting at home right now. I hate sitting around bored. I should be out somewhere, interacting with people, hanging out with friends, meeting new people, whatever. Just to be anywhere but here. I need to get out, get away. It's not that I mind my house so much, it's just that I can't stand the tedium.