Oddity

I've noticed something strange. Every career aptitude test, personality test with career suggestions, and career suggestions based on astrology or anything like that, all of them agree that my ideal career would be counselor, psychologist, or priest. Kinda cool considering I've given serious thought to becoming a counselor or psychologist.

Party

That was great. Went to a Halloween party last night, where a few of us got the great idea to fake someone's death. Long story short, we almost convinced the rest of the people at the party that I'd been hit by a car. It was so awesome, and I'm still red from all the fake blood. That's going to be fun to explain to my coworkers tomorrow. :)

Manic

Okay, I've definitely been manic for a couple of days now. I've barely been able to sleep, I've been eating more than usual, and the way I've been feeling can only be described as "indestructible". I really need to remind myself not to drink when I'm like this, even though it does give me an excuse for my behavior that doesn't require telling people that I'm manic. People just assume I'm drunk instead. Unfortunately having that excuse isn't always good since not wanting to tell people I'm manic can help me control myself sometimes. But it's so much fun. I just know by the time this is over I'm going to have pissed someone off.

!!!!!! :)

It's 4am, I'm wired, happy, singing, and just generally awesome and excited. Weeeeeeeee! I had a weird dream. In it, a bunch of people including Cathi, Jade, and myself were staying at a haunted mansion, and to make a long story short I fought off the evil-spirit-demon-thing (which was invisible) with a katana that for some reason I just happened to have with me. It was pretty nifty, and made me feel very good about myself. I want that katana in real life though, it was awesome. :)

Confusion

I hate it when this happens. I've been randomly giggling or crying all day, but not because I've been happy or sad. As in, I'll just be sitting there doing something and tears will start pouring out, even though I'm not upset. Or likewise I'll start giggling for no reason. I can't help but wonder what the hell causes that. It doesn't seem like a bipolar symptom, though I guess it could be. It usually happens just before I have an episode, so there's probably some connection there.

Tarot is fun

Wow, I got a tarot reading, and my "core cards", the ones the represent the fundamental aspects of who I am, are "The Lovers" and "The Fool". So once again I'm just being told that I'm a hopeless romantic. It's slightly odd that pretty much everything that's supposed to determine personality traits, regardless of validity, ends up telling me that.

Self-help

I'm beginning to wonder if there is any hope for me living without medication. I've been managing for these past several months, but I wonder if it's worth it. I just don't like things messing with my mind, it's messed up enough as it is, and I don't want to spend years finding the "right" combination of pills just to function. I wish there was a good therapist I could see around here, but unfortunately I've yet to find one that wouldn't just tell me to get back on the pills. *sigh* Then again, the medication wasn't working before, and from everything I've read there's a VERY high chance that the pills won't ever work, because of how quickly my episodes cycle.

Up, up and no where to go.

I'm in a very good mood today. Jennifer got herself a new job, which is awesome and a great relief for her, which in turn means I'm less worried. Matt got a job back at Bloom too, so that's more good news. My day has been pretty good, and things are pretty calm right now. Now I just wish I had something fun to do with my time. Not that sitting here singing isn't fun, just I wish I was out with friends. Oh well, still nice to be in a good mood.

Poem: Knight

Knight by Scott Barnes
-=-=-=

I'd love to be your knight in shining armor,
But I'm afraid my breastplate's rusted,
My sword and shield broken to pieces,
In a battle with a demon disguised as a damsel.

I'm not perfect, lacking in luster and shean,
But if you would look past the scars,
Underneath still beats the heart of a hero,
Waiting for his happily ever after.

Relief

Wow, this is an odd realization. My post, "Well Well" didn't sound at all how I'd meant it. I hadn't reread it until it was mentioned to me, but yeah, wow. I know why it sounded so much more negative than I'd intended though. I was really worried, because the last time someone was interested in me then said "let's just be friends first", they stopped even speaking to me. I didn't think that was the case here, and it's not, but apparently it worried me more than I'd known. So yeah, that post was supposed to be more upbeat, as the whole "friends first" is actually a good thing to me. Of course, the only person that really needed to know that I've already explained it to, but just so when I'm rereading this blog I'll have this clarification in here.

Birthday

*sigh* If I could drive, I would go out and buy myself a cupcake and party hat, put on the hat, stick a candle in the cupcake, light it, blow out the candle and wish to not be alone anymore. Maybe I'd buy myself a present too. At least it would be something.

Another one down

I'm 25 today. I remember when birthdays were happy and fun. This one is worthless. I'm sitting around alone, with nothing to do, and the only people that have said happy birthday to me today are a few people on MySpace and my mom. No calls, no visits, no one asking if I'm doing anything, no body really cares how I am today. I'm just sitting around thinking about all the time lost, and wondering if things are ever going to get better, if I'm ever going to feel like anything is worth it. I failed the driving test this morning, because I'm a nervous wreck all the time. Even if I passed it I don't know that I'd trust myself driving. Not that it even matters, it's not like I'd ever have anywhere to go. I don't want to sound like an attention whore, but I used to love the fact that my birthday meant people would actually gather around and show that they actually had some interest in me. Now I feel like I'd have to run around screaming just to get someone to notice me. I really didn't want to be alone today.

Well well.

As to my last post, regarding the healthiness of trying to stay happy by thinking about how well things were going with Cathi and I, turns out yes, unhealthy. We're going to just be friends, at least for now. It's okay though, I can perfectly well understand, and honestly it made me realize I'm probably not ready for an actual relationship right now anyway. *sigh* I need to figure out some way to change the way I am, or at least a way to use my strengths, instead of constantly having to play against them. Unfortunately, the things that make use of my talents aren't viable ways to make a living.

Real life should leave me alone

I'm disappointed in myself for not getting my license yet. I was determined to have it before my birthday, and now that's not going to happen. *sigh* Plus I've been under a lot of stress at work because one of the managers and the new office girl are both looking for excuses to get me in trouble. Add to that my financial situation, and the fact that I need to find some professional assistance in treating my condition. I've been at home all day today, which always gets me thinking too much and criticizing myself, so all these things have been bearing down on my mind today. I refuse to let myself slip down though, because I need to stay focused on improving the situation. While I suppose the healthiness of it is debatable, I've managed to keep myself from getting down by reminding myself that things have been going very well with Cathi and I, which makes me happy. I wish I could stop taking life so seriously. I really need to spend more time doing more physical things, to help me be less caught up in my thoughts. That and I need to get back into school and start taking more creative classes, like art or drama. I think that would help me a lot, and I really want to learn more ways of expressing my creativity.

Amazed

Cathi and I went out again yesterday. She is so incredible, that was easily one of the best days of my life. We went to see Resident Evil: Extinction, which was good in it's own B-movie way. Then we got lunch at Ruby Tuesday's, and climbed the rocks over on River Road a bit. I haven't climbed since I was little, it was so much fun. We talked, joked around, had some romantic moments, it was great.

Swooning

Last night was a lot of fun, and the start of something amazing. Cathi is wonderful, and really cute. :)

My state of being

My current state of mind is defined very well by the Jimmy Eat World song, "A Praise Chorus". Listen to it :)

Birthdays

Just one of the many reasons I love October. So many birthdays to celebrate. So far, it was my mom's on the 6th, it was also my friend Bob's on the 6th, then it was my friend Adam's on the 8th, and one of coworkers, Ashley, her birthday was also the 8th. Still coming up are many more, including mine. Go Go Libra! Hehe. Oh wow, now that I think about it my birthday is only a week from today! And Cathi's is one day earlier. And my sister's is three days after. Wow, that really snuck up on me.

Up, up, and away

Happy to report my recent depressed spell seems to be coming to a close, and things are starting to look brighter again. This past year has been hell, but I'm starting to really believe that things are getting better, and that I'll be able to better control the bipolar disorder eventually, after all I'm still learning more about it, and I've made impressive progress considering that I've been mostly unable to get any decent professional help. And all the other problems are starting to be resolved as well, and I think once all of this is done I will be a stronger, better person for it. In short, bring it on world, I'm ready.

A little thing from Blogthings

Saw this on my new friend's MySpace page and thought is was interesting.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Disillusioned.

Nothing feels real anymore. My life has become an illusion, devoid of meaning or substance. Maybe it's not life, maybe it's me. Perhaps I have become so confused and jaded that I'm not even myself anymore. It's an odd feeling, like I'm not really a part of things, not even a part of myself, like I'm some foreign entity silently observing the decline of a pathetic, worthless human being. I've always had a lot of times that I've felt this way, but lately it's been almost constant. I'm not even faking it well anymore, people have started to notice my total disengagement from my surroundings, and myself. I'm not sure what makes this happen, but I just desperately want something to feel real again. I'm starting to forget what "real" feels like, and it's really scaring me. I don't want to end up like this forever, I'm terrified that I'll never be able to bring myself back to reality, that I'll slip further and further into my head and never escape, that I'll become nothing, an empty shell. All I want is to curl up in a little ball and cry. I just want someone to tell it's all going to be okay, and really mean it. I just want something to give me some hope, something to cling to, something to anchor me so I won't drift further and further into this nightmare. I want to be okay again, it feels like it's been forever since I've really felt right. Please, just make this all go away.