Medication

I give up on this crap. If I'm miserable, fine. If I'm "impulsive", so be it. If I lose interest too easily and my mind wanders a lot, I'll deal with it. I'm sick of being medicated to "fix" me. Hell, if the medication really worked, if it really "fixed it" instead of just delaying it and having fucked up side effects, maybe I'd feel differently. Maybe I'd still take them. But as it is, it's useless. I am what I am, any problems I have, I'll figure out how to fix them myself. This drugging me into sanity bullshit isn't cutting it anymore. I know the doctors just want to help, I know they think these pills are supposed to make me "better" and sometimes, just sometimes, they do make me feel better. But even when they do, it doesn't feel right. I can't say I refuse to take any of it though. At least when I'm going to work I still take the amphetamines for my ADD. Without them I get too restless and it irritates my bosses/coworkers. So unless I wanted to be unemployed I'm kinda stuck with that much. Mostly I just need to get the hell away. I'm not the type to settle in. Constantly moving, adapting, evolving, changing, learning, growing, that's the only thing that keeps me from completely losing my mind, and I right now I'm just too constrained. I don't need pills, I need a way out. I need to get loose, I need someone to drag me out of this rut so I can start actually living again instead popping pills and being a good little walking zombie. And if no one else will help, I'll just have to find a way to drag myself out, but that's going to be tough. You try being a social butterfly when your mind is so cluttered that you can barely remember your own name half the time. You try relying on yourself when you have no way of knowing whether you're going to wake up feeling like the world is perfect and wonderful, or feeling completely depressed, numb, like nothing in existence matters. Sure, most days it's okay, most days I wake up feeling however I should feel. But I've learned not to rely too much on anything, especially not myself. I've been told I'm dependable, trustworthy, loyal, and so on, by a lot of different people. But not for me. I'm reliable to others because no matter how I'm feeling I still respect and appreciate the people around me. Just not me. It's not that I hate myself or anything, I just really don't give a crap about me. I don't really see much reason to, it's not like I belong, here or anywhere else. The best use I can make of myself is to help others achieve something worthwhile. If I wasn't so critical I'd probably find a nicer way to put it, like "I inspire and uplift people" or something. Either way the point is that making life better for the people around me is the only thing I actually feel motivated to do most of the time, and when I spend too much time alone, I start to feel too useless even for that. And the drugs do nothing for that kind of issue. So I'm just saying fuck it, I'll work through these problems myself, with people who care, not with pills from some doctor that talks to me for five minutes four times a year.