New Years

*sigh* I don't even know where to start. This New Year's Eve is horrible. I just want this year to be over, I just want to let it all go and get over it. I just want things to get better. I want to be alive again. I wanted to hang out with Eric or Rachel tonight, but it didn't turn out that way. Instead I'm at home writing this. At least I'm alive, sort of. I haven't really been alive in a long time. *sigh* I need an escape. I miss when I used to be surrounded by friends this time of year. I miss when I looked forward to New Years Eve. Now I'm not even sure I want to live to see next year. Part of me really just wants to wait till midnight then end it. I won't do it, but the thought has been crossing my mind all night. It just sucks, I didn't want to start the year alone and miserable. Sad part is I'm not even particularly depressed, I'm just tired of trying. I just want to live without everything I build up getting torn down. Without everything I love being destroyed. Without all my hopes and dreams being ripped from me. Without this feeling inside me, the feeling that pain is starting to be my only pleasure in life. This feeling like I've learned to love being hurt. Because at least pain never disappoints me. At least I can't fail at suffering. I'm just tired of life sometimes.