I don't know anymore.

I don't know how to go on. Everyone thinks I need medication. I know they're right. But I don't want to, I hate it. It makes me feel like I'm not me anymore. I don't want to depend on pills just to keep myself from feeling these things, no matter how much it destroys me. I just want to be me, why the hell do I have to be this way? Why can't I just be okay, and not need anything to alter my mind to keep me from slipping like this? I guess I deserve it, I'm a horrible worthless excuse for a human being anyway. I don't deserve to exist, I should just let the doctors stick me on whatever they decide to and take away everything I am, so maybe whatever is left will be worthy of living. But I don't want to. It's like it kills a part of me. I know it would make me better, but is it worth losing myself? I just don't know anymore... Sometimes I just wish I was dead so none of this would matter anymore.