New Years

*sigh* I don't even know where to start. This New Year's Eve is horrible. I just want this year to be over, I just want to let it all go and get over it. I just want things to get better. I want to be alive again. I wanted to hang out with Eric or Rachel tonight, but it didn't turn out that way. Instead I'm at home writing this. At least I'm alive, sort of. I haven't really been alive in a long time. *sigh* I need an escape. I miss when I used to be surrounded by friends this time of year. I miss when I looked forward to New Years Eve. Now I'm not even sure I want to live to see next year. Part of me really just wants to wait till midnight then end it. I won't do it, but the thought has been crossing my mind all night. It just sucks, I didn't want to start the year alone and miserable. Sad part is I'm not even particularly depressed, I'm just tired of trying. I just want to live without everything I build up getting torn down. Without everything I love being destroyed. Without all my hopes and dreams being ripped from me. Without this feeling inside me, the feeling that pain is starting to be my only pleasure in life. This feeling like I've learned to love being hurt. Because at least pain never disappoints me. At least I can't fail at suffering. I'm just tired of life sometimes.

Narcissism

What the hell is with me today? I've been mostly depressed and worried for days, and today, despite still being depressed, I feel like I'm freakin' gorgeous. I mean really, just so amazingly cute. I feel so narcissistic. It's a really odd feeling, but I almost wish I was someone else just so I could make out with me :) God I sound egotistical. Oh well, it'll pass. For right now I'll just enjoy the sudden random bout of self-esteem from thinking I'm a sexy guy, since by tomorrow I'll probably be back to feeling ugly.

I hate mood swings, anxiety, and panic attacks.

The subject says it all. The past week has been filled with constant mood swings, horrible anxiety and fear, stress from all the emotional swaying, and a couple of severe panic attacks, most recently this morning at work. It was one of the worst I've had in a while, after it stopped it took me a minute to even remember where I was, I was just so overwhelmed. I'm still a bit shaken up from it. Honestly, the last time I had a panic attack that bad was about 6 months ago. I'm not sure why I had it either, I was perfectly fine last night, and nothing happened this morning to set it off either. It just kind of happened. The ones that just happen like that always scare me the most. Just thinking about it is giving me shivers.

Moody

I hate this time of year. I used to love it, but I'm finding this year I'm just reminded of where I stood this time last year and I hate it. I don't even want to think about it anymore. I'm a different person, and that was a different lifetime. I want to just forget it all, start over. Never think about who I used to be, what I used to be, ever again. I've changed, my entire perspective has changed, my entire situation has changed. Everything from back then is dead and gone, buried, and I never want to be reminded of it. I want to just forget about it forever, never look back. *sigh*

Oh wow

I think I've finally realized that all those people that claim I'm attractive are telling the truth. Or maybe it's just because I'm having one of those days where I'm just in love with myself. Not literally mind you, I'm not like a narcissist or anything. I just mean I actually really like who I am right now, and I feel amazing. Now I just need to get out of the house so I can make use of this incredible mood. I feel a bit arrogant thinking about myself like this but seriously how do I not normally realize how awesome I am? Normally I don't like myself, at all, but now I see why everyone else tells me I'm too hard on myself. I kick ass. I wish I didn't already know this feeling isn't going to last, but oh well. At least for now I feel like an astoundingly wonderful person, it's a nice change of pace.