Randomness.

So I randomly decided to cut my bangs. I think it looks kinda good. I cut them a little too short but it's okay. It's really a non-event, not worth writing about, but I felt like posting something and it's the only thing I could think of that I'm willing to write about. Oh, and I'm going back to the doctor, hopefully soon. I've already started the process, I just have to wait for an actual appointment at this point. I guess it's a good thing. I'm still really hesitant about taking medication, but apparently I need it more than I realize, according to everyone else. *sigh* I know I need the help, but I still don't have to like it. It's okay though, I guess I'll get used to it eventually. My sister's dog passed away too. I'm trying not to think about it too much. Oh, and I got a bunch of new shirts and some new shoes. It's nice to update my style occasionally. I'm not looking forward to summer though. It's gonna be really hot. Oh well, maybe I'll sweat off a few pounds. I tried that B12 dietary supplement stuff today, it made me kinda tired. It made everyone else hyper. Story of my life I suppose, if it gets everyone else going it won't do crap for me. It's okay though. I'm in an oddly serene mood at the moment. It's kinda nice after all the intense mood swings lately. I know it won't last but at least I know I'm still occasionally capable of calmness. I normally put up a calm front to hide whatever intense mood swings I'm going through, but for once I'm actually somewhat peaceful. It's a really odd sensation. I wonder what kind of medication I'll end up on this time. I think I'm going to get them to re-evaluate me too, I have reason to believe bipolar disorder may not be my sole problem, plus I think they might have me diagnosed as the wrong type of bipolar. Who knows, I try not to self-diagnose. Incidentally, I think my theme song at the moment is "Sleep" by My Chemical Romance. It's a pretty accurate depiction of how I've felt for quite a while now. Speaking of sleep, I hope I can actually sleep decently tonight. It's been at least a week since the last real sleep I've gotten. I've been waking up every hour or so all night from horrible nightmares. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I'm asleep or not. I hate not being able to sleep decently, I start disconnecting from myself. Everything is like snapshots, bits and pieces of perception, interrupted and delayed. Oh well, maybe the doctors will give me something to help that too. *sigh*

Emo.

Well shit. Looking over everything I've written here and in my actual journal, I feel so emo. When did this happen? When did I turn into the pathetic loser the rest of the world laughs at? I guess I always have been, it just sucks realizing that some things never change.

Losing it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. After that last post I spent an hour crying my eyes out. I just don't know. I can't even keep up with my feelings any more. I'm so confused. I wish I could just stabilize for once. I wish I didn't keep jumping from one deep end to another. Why can't my emotions ever just hit a middle ground, even for a little while. It's all love or hate, depression or euphoria, anger or sadness, there's no medium. I really don't know how much more I can take.

Fuck.

I fucking hate everything. I don't even know why. I just really want to fucking break shit. I want to pick up my goddamn lamp and chuck it through the fucking window. I want to slam my fucking head into the mirror until it shatters into little pieces. I want to go get a sledgehammer and smash everything in sight. I want the world to feel broken like me. I want to wreck everything, I want to ruin everything. I want to just fucking leave a trail of destruction in my wake and kill anything that stands in my way. I hate this fucking universe. Luckily I won't do any of this because instead I'll resort to destroying the only thing that has ever truly been mine, just like I always do. Sometimes I wish I'd get up the fucking nerve to just let this shit out on the rest of the world instead of always destroying myself. No, really I just wish I could stop feeling like this. What the hell is wrong with me... I was fine earlier today. Yesterday I could barely get up, I just felt so lost, by night I was fine and perfectly happy, ecstatic even. This morning I was happy, it was a good morning, I had some interesting conversations and a lot of fun. By four in the afternoon I was desperately lonely and miserable, by seven I started feeling like I do now. What the hell... I wish my brain would shut the fuck up, all the goddamn thoughts and noise are driving me insane. I need a release. I need help. I want this shit to stop, forever. Can't anything just make all the noise go away? It never ends, I can't even keep my mind straight, it's just a barrage of shit inside my head, torturing me. Why won't it go away? I can't keep fucking doing this. I can't live like this. I don't even want to live, not because I'm depressed but just because it seems like the only way to make all this go away. Fuck it, I hate my fucking brain. I hate everything.

Screw it.

Why the hell does everyone think they know who I should be? Why can't anyone just accept me for who I am? Yes I have my problems, but that doesn't give everyone the right to tell me I'm wrong. I really just don't give a shit what anyone thinks anymore. You know what? Yes, I fucking hurt myself. I admit it. And no, I don't think it's horrible and wrong. And I really don't give a shit if you do. I wish everyone would just leave me the fuck alone about it. I'm not trying to kill myself, I'm actually rather careful about it. It just helps me get by. It's my skin to destroy if I want to, and if that upsets you, too bad. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I've spent my whole goddamn life apologizing for every fucking little thing I do because someone will inevitably tell me it upsets them or hurts them or whatever, but not this time. I refuse to apologize for coping. I refuse to apologize for doing what I need to do to keep sane. I'm not sorry. I really wish I didn't have to sound so belligerent about this, so uncaring, but I can't help it. Because when it comes right down to it, I don't care. It's my life. If you can't accept me as I am, then don't. I refuse to keep trying to accommodate everyone but myself. I'm a cutter. Deal with it.