Adderall is evil

I have come to this realization. I haven't had my Adderall in a week and I'm starting to remember why I didn't want to start taking in the first place. I feel more energetic, more awake, more alive. I know I need it to function in normal society, but seriously, I don't want to. I like being the real me. The sporadic spontaneous random ridiculous crazy confusing energized eccentric me. The me that apparently alliterates a lot. I don't want to be stuffy and locked into one train of thought. I don't want a train of thought. I love my bouncy ball of thought. So many thoughts and ideas and feelings and sensations and random images and sounds racing through my head with blazing speed and when I take the Adderall they're all still there I just can't keep up with them. I want to keep up. It's not my fault I can't express my thoughts as fast as I can have them. My lack of attention span is mine damn it, and I finally have it back, I want to keep it. But I know my bosses at work aren't too happy with it. And I really don't want to lose my job. But is holding a job worth losing my self? I shouldn't even have to ask myself these questions. Why do I have to be stuck in a world that can't appreciate my unique state of mind? Oh well, it's okay though. I'm just happy to be me again, at least for now. I don't like medications. Fuck medications. Stupid pills changing my brain, forget it. I'm much happier this way, and I feel my useful and social without the stupid Adderall. I just wish everyone else didn't think I was unreliable and impulsive without it. I admit I get distracted really easily and lose track of what I'm doing and end up not doing things I was supposed to do, but still I do a lot and I'll eventually come back around to whatever it was I was supposed to be doing, it just might take a while. And I feel less anxious and freaked out. That's always a plus. Anxiety sucks. I just like it because I feel more at home inside my head now. I don't feel like a stranger to my own mind anymore. I love that. Of course, don't get me wrong, a lot of this happiness could also be because I just got over being depressed a few days ago and when the depressed episodes end is usually when the manic or hypomanic episodes start, but I feel really good about myself right now and I don't want to ruin it with those stupid pills. No pills. Ever. Pills = bad. I just wanna live and be myself without people raining on my parade damn it. Why is that so hard? Why can't real life just leave me be and let me enjoy my mind. Why does everyone want me to be something else, why can't I just be the force of creative randomness I am naturally? I have a million ideas in my brain and I don't want to live my life with them racing circles around me, scaring me and threatening to consume my tortured psyche because some stupid pills slow me down. I want to embrace my madness. I want to free myself and stop trying to anchor down with pills, just let the currents and tides of the chaos of my thoughts sweep me away. Drifting aimlessly in a stormy ocean of ideas is the life for me. Besides, maybe one day someone will come along to anchor me. I'd rather be anchored by love than by chemicals. I'm reminded of "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails. I love that song. It's so forceful. You know what other Nine Inch Nails song really moves me? "Hurt". I cry every time I hear that song, it's just beautiful and powerful. Kinda like what I want in a relationship. Someone emotionally beautiful and powerful, someone who is on the outside as I am on the inside. That would be my dream come true. Too bad my ex was more the first part, she just made me cry. But she was powerful. Oh did she ever have power over me. I hate to admit it but that was one of the things I loved about her. I hate being bossed around, but somehow I didn't mind when she did it. I'll never understand that. And there aren't many things I can't understand. I'm very good at figuring things out, what with my hyperactive mind and all. Anyway, I suppose I should end this post eventually shouldn't I? Yeah, I probably should end it now that I've starting asking myself questions in writing. So yeah, end transmission.