Memory

I usually have almost no memory. The few times I start remembering I realize why I usually don't. It makes me miserable. The past is a horrible blur of terrifying and sickening images. I'm not saying I don't have any happy memories, just that my happy memories only serve to remind me how much I've lost and what I fear I'll never find again. It's better when I don't remember. Things seem brighter, happier, more hopeful when I forget. I'd like to think the future will be better than the past, but unfortunately I find it difficult to be optimistic sometimes. The only time I'm really happy anymore is when I'm with my friends forgetting all about these things. I don't know though, part of me wants to just embrace my depression with open arms and let it consume me. Part of me wishes the mania would start up again and never end. Part of me doesn't know what to think or say or do anymore. All of me wishes things would change. I'm trying my hardest to change, and I have, but changing what I want without changing myself completely is so difficult. Nothing is really enjoyable anymore unless someone I care about is involved. I'm tired and moody most of the time, but the moment I'm with my friends I start getting hyper and excited. I never want to be alone again. It's not a real solution, but it's the only thing I can find. These mood swings and episodes are killing me. I don't even know if I can blame this on the bipolar disorder anymore, it's become far too frequent for that. It's like my entire feelings, mood, and outlook change drastically from day to day, sometimes more than once a day. I don't understand it. I shouldn't be like this. I know I'll never make it if I don't figure this out and fix it. I can't live the rest of my life like this. The bipolar episodes I can deal with, these recent violent mood swings I can't. It's driving me to madness. Don't get me wrong, whatever this problem is, I have no doubt that it's no one's fault but my own. I accept that. I just wish I knew why. I just wish I could put an end to it. I feel like I'm destroying what little life I ever had every moment of every day. I put on a smile for my family, my coworkers, my friends, and sometimes it's a real smile, but mostly it's just for show. My closest friends and family can still pull out a real smile occasionally, but mostly it's an act. I just don't want to whine or bring anyone else down with me. And it scares me that a lot of people see me as overemotional and dramatic, but I hold back so much as it is, I can't even imagine holding any more in. I swear I feel like a drama queen, but it's not like I do it intentionally. These feelings are real, for the most part I'm not exaggerating them either. In fact, as I said, I usually hold back and try to be more reserved about it. I just can't seem to do it anymore, and I really wish I could just let go and say what I feel all the time, but no one would ever want to be anywhere near me ever again. I've been trying to find a balance, letting it out without overdoing it, but it's proving far more difficult than I anticipated. It's like opening up a dam, once it starts pouring out there's no stopping it. I'm so confused, I'm not even sure what's real anymore. Most of the time I'm not sure anything is. Most of the time it just feels like life is a movie and I'm just watching, not really part of it. I don't know how to really explain it, just a vague sense like everything is a dream, or more appropriately, a nightmare. I can't stand it anymore, I want to feel real again. I want to feel like I'm actually alive. I'm just a ghost trapped inside my own walking corpse. Once in a while I'll have a short period of being real, but it's just enough to make me recall the life I'm missing. It's actually a deeply frightening feeling, not being real. It's terrifying actually, but I can't even show my fear because I'm not even connected to my self enough to control it. If you've ever had that sense of panic and disorientation that can only be caused by a loss of self, then you can imagine what I'm dealing with all the time. If you have never found yourself disconnected like that, if you've managed to keep your consciousness and the rest of you linked at all times, then you couldn't possibly understand what I mean, but you should consider yourself lucky for that. That's one of the reasons I keep this journal, to get these things out during my sporadic moments of connection. Luckily it's easier to stay "connected", or at least to not panic so much, when other people are around. Which is one of the reasons I hate being alone. I disconnect much more easily when I'm alone. But enough explaining to myself for now.